Pregnancy- It's a nasty rant- prepare yourself

[neina]

UGH! I am SO ANGRY! I have been trying for years to have a baby without ANY success. I feel so barren! It is like a slap in the face when one of my friends gets pregnant. It is now official... ALL of my friends are pregnant or have had a child (or children). Why can't I have a child? There is no one word to describe how I feel. I, of course, am happy for the mother-to-be. i always am. How exciting that they get to experience that amazing bundle of joy! I am just frustrated that I can't be the one to experience it too. I just can't stand the anticipation every month which is only ever followed by heartbreak and frustration. Then, the taunting from the pain REMINDING me of my inability to conceive.I have found myself TRYING to give up my dreams of becoming a mother and praying for menopause to come quick. Who knows? Maybe I will start at age 24? At least then I won't have to wonder every month.*sigh* It is even more frustrating when people are glowing with their happy little pregnant faces and then turn everyone's attention to me by asking when *I* am going to have one. While wanting to say, "Not that it's any of your business but I HAVE been trying, Jerk-face." I just smile and say "i dunno" and get out of the conversation as quickly as possible before I either punch someone in the face or start crying. If anyone does read this, do you have any "polite" ways to deflect that comment/question? I receive it regularly, so...Anyways, thanks for the rant, it was much better then breaking something (especially someone's nose) haha

[loveshoes]

Hi!
I can understand your situation completely. We tried for 2 years to get pregnant. I had been on the pill continual for 7 years previous. It took awhile for my periods to even come back and each month they were horrible. I was missing alot of work for the first 2 days and lost a ton of weight. We got pregnant finally but I miscarried at 6 weeks. We tried and tried even harder for almost 1 year after that but my pain got so horrible and I was getting so sick we decided that my health was much more important than to keep trying. I have 2 comments on this topic. First, yes, it's a sucky situation when you are surrounded with friends who seem to get pregnant when they sneeze and then we are trying so very hard and nothing. It is heartbreaking and discouraging. I remember crying for many many nights about this sheer frustration and realizing that it was probably not going to happen and that I was just doing more harm to my body continuing to have a period monthly. The complete joy of seeing the positive pregnancy test and then the utter disbelief when I started to bleed and was told that my levels were dropping and that I was actively miscarrying. I'm very upfront about my endo and when people ask me, I flat out tell them I have a medical condition and that I can't have kids, that usually shuts them up on the spot, I think it makes them feel ackward so that's usually what I say. Most of my friends/co workers have been with me on my endo journey when I went off the pill and saw how sick and how much pain I was in and saw it first hand so most of them were like we hate to see you feeling so bad so it made it easier for me that they saw me looking and feeling horrible first hand, I think that's when they finally GOT IT. Now, they are all hounding me about adoption and I'm like people, back off and leave me alone. Everyone is an expert on stuff when it relates to babies when they haven't got a clue. Neina, you're not broken or barren - this happens to so many women and I just feel that everything happens for a reason. I have been blessed with so many other things that I have made a choice to not dwell on the 1 thing that I wasn't able to have in my life. I think everything in life is about choices - I think it's just healthier to have that thought process and accept the cards I have been delt. I get what you are saying though, everyone has their opinions and I hate it that they force it down our throats and have all of these opinions. Oh, why can't you get IVF, why can't you do this? Uh, first, it's expensive, second, there are no guarantees, third, most of the drugs used for IVF grows endo and can cause alot of cancers so yeah, not a decision to just be made lightly moron. Just do what is right for you. Have you tried the endo diet? Alot of members have reported that it helped them to get pregnant. Just know you are not alone. Like I said, I haev come to accept certain things and I haven't looked back since going back on the pill. I feel good again, I have my life back again and to me, that's most important. If I don't feel good, there is certainly no way I could take care of a baby feeling awful in pain so I'm happy with my choice and am enjoying an amazing life with my husband. Keep your chin up, if you want to continue trying, go for it but do what is best for YOU. Don't worry about what other people think. I always say I'd love for them to be in my place on day 2 of my period when I literally couldn't move because the pain was so horrible and then get back to me and tell me how easy they thought it was! Jerks!

[JC]

I think loveshoes gave you a really nice perspective on this and it's really awesome that we can come here and talk about this. It's an extremely sensitive subject and I always have a hard time replying to this situation. I'm a pretty upfront person and I would be the type to just flat-out say I can't have children because that way they can just stop hounding. My best friend has been trying for 3 years and hasn't gotten pregnant and the rest of the girls in our friend circle have all gotten pregnant easily and have had children. We are a really close group of girls and are well aware of her struggle with infertility and they are really awesome about being sensitive toward her. I also think if people start throwing their opinions about adoption, IVF, etc. at you then I would put an end to it. They need to understand that the situation is complicated and to trust that you are trying your best. I feel like the more I try to explain things the more people seem to think they are experts and toss their ideas into your situation. That drives me nuts and I'd rather just end the conversation abruptly.

If you are a more private person and don't want to talk about personal things like your health then you can say something vague like," Oh, maybe some day." Smile, and then change the subject. This one has worked really well for me so far. lol.

I'm sorry you're struggling with having a baby. There are plenty of women here on the board that truly understand how you feel.

[loveshoes]

I was just thinking more about this and wanted to add that I think people do ask because they are coming from a genuine place meaning that they think we'd be great parents and are just asking. I don't think alot of people stop and think gee, maybe that person can't have kids and if I ask, maybe I'd be hurting their feelings. I think most just shoot from the hip and ask. I guess it depends how comfortable you are in talking about your health. I use the I have a medical condition and I can't have kids because I feel like it's almost like I am taking back control of the situation so instead of saying whatever, I just flat out say I can't hoping that maybe they will realize, oh gee, maybe I should have just minded my own business. I find it so shocking that people are so pushy and opinionated in telling another person what to do with their uterus! I think it's so nervy, we don't tell each other how to spend money or who to be friends with but people sure think they have a free pass to medle in such a personal sensitive topic such as starting a family. Even with the topic of adoption, it's a very grueling process and just as expensive as IVF, people just don't understand. sorry, bit of a tangent but I had some additional thoughts and wanted to share those as well.

[neina]

Thank you for the encouragement. I am sorry I went off like that... I will blame it on my period. lol I might just start telling people "I have a medical condition". It will answer many questions, and it sounds a lot easier than trying to explain to people why I am ALWAYS "sick" and why I can't eat out, etc. Again, not that it is anyone's business. lol

Loveshoes- YES! It does seem that they get pregnant when they sneeze! Especially since all of their (my friends) pregnancies (6, I believe) were not even planned! I wonder what they put in their water?

[loveshoes]

Don't be sorry at all! You have every right to feel how you feel. I cried for days and weeks - it's every girls dream to have a baby, to experience pregnancy and to feel that baby kick inside of you - that was my dream and though I always used to say I didn't care if it happened or not, when it really did happen, it shattered us to pieces. It's hard to deal with. I think as humans we want to know WHY all the time and in this case, it's just the body and there isn't necessarilly a WHY. Stranger things have happened, people have been told they can't have a baby, adopted and then whammo, they get pregnant. I was told I had ovarian failure and that there was no chance for me and I proved them wrong too. I think you could also just say I have some medical issues and it's unlikely that we can have children, and then if they push you for more details just say it's very painful for me to talk about and I'd rather not discuss it. Just shut them down, I say if they push it further they are in your territory and you don't owe anyone any answers and they should be respectful enough to back off.

It's tough though, I totally understand everything you said. There are so many of us here in the same boat as you are so please know you are definately NOT alone in this, we all understand!

[MustangGtGirl]

I found out when I was 21 that I could not have Children. It was hard at first and I was embarrassed to tell people. I felt it made me less of a women. So I would do the same when people asked I would smile and say I don't know. After a few years of the same people asking I started telling them I had a surgery that did damage to my ovaries and I can't have children. This did not stop the question though and it would upset me more because now they knew and were still asking. After a while of that my answer turned to when you husband gives birth so will I. Some people just don't care that every time they ask that question its a knife to the heart. When I turned 35 I had major baby fever and along with that major depression. It never gets easier you just have to be prepared to put people in their place if they know and for the people that don't know I found it easier to tell them I can't because the answer I don't know when just leads to more questions. The hardest one for me is when my nieces and nephews ask when they are going to have a baby cousin. I have 13 nieces and nephews and I still have not figured this one out. I tell them it's not my decision it's god's and it seems to work. seeing friends and family have babies I wish I could tell you it gets easier but it doesn't.

[neina]

MustangGtGirl- I am sorry about your not being able to have children. It IS like a knife to the heart. When I heard that my friend was pregnant (the last one that wasn't). I literally felt like someone reached in and grabbed by stomach and tried ripping it out by force. I think I lost it for a second (I am glad I didn't find out in person) I have 16 neices and nephews (my husband has a very large family) and I am glad that they haven't asked in awhile. It used to break my heart. It is easier with them to give an answer because I CAN say that it is God's decision. They accept it whole-heartedly, believing that I will get pregnant. When, in reality, I am not even sure it is in God's plan for me to have a child of my own. If I could adopt I would. But, it is so expensive and the American adoption system is really whacked. I have seen mothers (multiple cases)bring in a child and raise it, and once they try to adopt the state comes in (for no apparent reason) and takes the child from her and give it to someone else. I am not sure I could handle that. I did think that not having a child would get easier, but the not knowing whether I can or not has left me in a place of uncertainty and I can't let go. If I knew for sure one way or another that I would have a child (even if it was only one child 10 years from now) I think it would be easier. But, the possibility of my NEVER having a child is like a dark haunting ghost in the back of my mind. It just plain hurts.

[MustangGtGirl]

I wish I could tell you it gets easier but it doesn't. It becomes a weight on you because at times that's all you can think about. Why me I would be a great mom. I have Even had a recurring dream of a little girl with the most beautiful brown eye's, long brown hair, she is around 3 and me and my husband are sitting under the Christmas tree playing with her. I always wake up in tears but I don't want the dream to end. Adoption is out of the question for me as well I can't afford it and I get asked that question repeatedly. My family is the type that never stops so I have to get rude in order to make them understand so with that one I tell them after 100 times of being nice when you pay for it becomes my answer. My family has actually made this harder on me then I think it would be if they didn't always question me. Like you said it's god's plan who knows maybe he has something special planned. I will never give up hope even if I have a full hysterectomy maybe their is a child out there waiting for me and someday I will be able to afford it. Maybe I am meant to be with a specific child who hasn't been born yet. I think positive and I think that is what keeps me going. maybe God has a great plan for you as well.

[neina]

I know exactly what you mean. I have the most vivid dreams of a little boy. He looks almost exactly like my husband. I have been pregnant with him in my dreams and felt him move, and I have also nursed him. It is sad to wake up and to realize that it isn't real. I haven't told my mother yet about my endo or my infertility. I have only told my sister-in-law (and of course my husband). She is really considerate and she hasn't pushed anything on me or bombarded me (the reason I told her). However my mother is the complete opposite. First of all, every time I try to tell her, she interrupts and says that I will NOT have children yet and that I will ONLY have them in the FAR future.... I stay off of the baby/kid subject for a reason, but I feel bad that she doesn't know. I do hope that God has children for me, whether they come from me, or not. If not, I hope that He fills my life with something that will at least ease the pain and emptiness.

[loveshoes]

Neina & MustangGTGirl - I sent you both a PM with some info - hopefully it's helpful!
I am in the same boat as you both are and have made a very concious decision to be thankful for all the other blessings in my life. I think it's easy to get caught up in the things we don't have, but there are so many other blessings that we DO have. It sounds like you both have amazing, supportive, loving husbands and that is awesome! I hope the link I Pm'd you gives you both strength and encouragement - it has for me and I'm also a huge believer in the power of prayer.
@ Neina - I would encourage you to share your endo diagnosis with your mom - don't let this disease shame you or bog you down - be empowered, take control, YOU are in control, the endo does NOT control you. I find, the more I talk about it and educate others, the more empowered I feel, the less scared I am of endo. My big thing here is knowledge is power, keep learning, keep pressing on but also educate those around you so maybe they will understand more and be more sensitive to asking some of these questions. Tell them how it breaks your heart to be asked all the time. Give them articles to read about endo. There is a a link on the board to the spoon theory, maybe that will help them to understand - sorry, the search function on the board stinks so I can't pull it up right now.

[JC]

The spoon theory is in this thread along with other awesome articles about how to explain endo to others:
endo-resolved.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=4217

[MustangGtGirl]

Neina,

Maybe our dreams are a sign of what is to come for us. Maybe it's a look into the future. I hope so anyway. Stay strong and do not let people get to you.

[tigergirl10]

I hate when people tell me oh you can always adopt! It isn't the same! You don't get to experience the pregnancy, the kicks inside you. The baby won't look me or my husband. I may love that child but it is the same as with my stepdaughter it is diff kind of love. I haven't gave up hope because while I thought it was totally my endo. It wasn't. It was my husband's zero sperm count due to tesestrone replacement shots. It has been 3 months since he quit the shots so still have a very small shot still this month. Guess I will find out Friday. I turn 36 at the end of June so age is catching up. I may have had endo but fought the battle and I won.

[semicolon]

I hate the opposite, too, when I mention adoption and people look at it like we're giving up or not trying hard enough. People are clods, but I will say until I started going through this I had no idea the emotions that are really wrapped around fertility. People don't understand endo, and they don't understand infertility, so it's a double whammy unfortunately.