Telling Someone 'No'

[cherry]

Okay so not a rant per se as I'm trying hard to keep a lid on this and not let it get to me too much.
I have just broken up with someone, having been with him for 5 years. In retrospect it was a pretty miserable time and the last straw was when he acted out violently, it came very close to him hitting me. even after that episode it took me 6 months and 2 very nasty arguments to work up the courage to end it once and for all, and I broke up with him 3 months ago.
Cue the apologies and 'I finally see what I did'. He calls me every so often to beg to talk and see me and ask for another chance. I honestly don't want to be with him again. I see that chapter of my life as over. As much as I feel I have a right to hate him for the emotional and mental abuse, I just want to move on and have been putting my life back together and finding a bit of peace within myself, and when he calls I answer as a gesture of goodwill and try very hard to hear him out and explain to him why it won't work.
Today was the final straw though. Things I have explained he seems to have forgotten or misunderstood, even things I explained to him during the call he's taking no notice of! I was late getting ready, and had an anxiety attack and can't stop crying. I haven't had one in a year, since I was very depressed and self harming.
I don't know how to tell him to f*ck off without setting off a nasty chain reaction. He's apt to act like out like a wilful child as he has some emotional problems that I have thought to be sociopathic traits, his doctors are working with him on these problems now. He scares me still, on some level. I've just had my network change my number and thankfully I've never had a landline in this house but I'm not sure whether something will happen once he realises that he can't call me.

[hellsbells]

Maybe, hopefully, he'll get the message? Have you got people down there to look after you?

[Karen]

First off, Cherry, bravo for coming to the realizations that you have! It sounds like he's quite good at manipulating people and your time away from him has done wonders to start to clear your head. So please, don't lose that through all of this! You've been with this man for years, I can understand how upsetting it'd be to hear from him and hear his remorse, then hear how he's still the same in many ways. It sucks and I'm sorry you've had anxiety attack over it!

That being said, he doesn't sound like the type to leave it alone unless you take the bull by the horns. But it sounds like it has to be done delicately, and it sounds like you can't project any of the blame or reasoning on him, that you have to put the focus on yourself and your needs or else he might blow up?...

So, if he does contact you, you can explain away the new phone number (I lost it, my cray relative got a hold of me, someone kept calling the wrong number and I got a gazillion calls a day asking for Jimmy, etc.)

As for getting him to stop contacting you, it'll be important to set boundaries. Perhaps you can ask him to stop calling for 6 (or some other number) months, tell him that you won't answer his calls or emails or whatever for that period of time. Tell him you need some time to clear your head and get a bit of your focus back, that it's in your best interest. If you told him 6 months, that might seem like a reasonable request to him (much more reasonable than you never want to speak with him again!), and I'd guess that at the end of 6 months, he probably wouldn't care anymore. Even if he does still care, by then, you'll be so far past it you won't even want to pick up the phone if he does call!

A good friend is actually doing something similar (only it's 3 months) with her soon to be ex-husband so she can actually go through with it. She knows she needs to, but it's so hard when they still spend time together. So, she and her therapist agreed to no contact for 3 months so she can get her head straight.

Anyway, I realize that take may not work for you, but figured I'd throw it out there! Whatever you do, I hope it leaves you happier and feeling free in the long run!!

[lizzylou]

Wow this is not only a stressful situation but also a potentially dangerous once since abuse only escalates (i speak from experiance). So you do need to be careful, although you also need to set boundaries. I agree with Karen, if he gets really pissed about the number, then use some excuse about how you had to change it and haven't gotten around to telling everyone yet. I'd program his number into your phone so you know it's him if he gets your number. Also, if saying the 6 month thing doesn't work, maybe just pick up every other call, then every 3 called, etc. Your moving on and your busy, your not around to pick up every single call and talk for an hour each time. Make it quick. You definatly don't want to make him madder than he might already be.

Also, DON'T open your door to him! Sorry, I probably seem paranoid but I so often see on tv, girls who let their ex in to "talk" and he snaps on her!!

[Karen]

Good ideas, Liz! And good advice - I wouldn't let him in the door, either!!

Of course another good solution, Cherry, would be to find the biggest, tallest, ass-kicking-looking kind of guy (with a super sweet heart and a healthy sex drive!) you can to date next. One glance at a guy like that and I have a feeling your ex wouldn't be paying you much more attention.

[lizzylou]

I should commend you by the way on your ability to break the cycle. Most women in it can't and it's great you got out now. Keep up the good work.

lol, if you find the guy Karen is talking about please send him my way when your done with him. lol

[cherry]

Helen my mum's half sister has recently got back in touch and she seems to have the family temper, she's saying she'll sort him out So funny but sweet and I'm grateful. Some of the most random people have rallied on facebook sending private messages of advice and support (I had a status about some people coming back like a bad penny) I hope he'll back off as he works for the police so any complaint would be seen by his colleagues and would affect his job.
This advice has been great girls thank you! I've flipped out at him, been angry and then deflated, blamed him and lately tried to just explain as objectively as possible. He's obsessed with my finding someone else who will make me happy.
I will most certainly have an excuse ready and tell him 6 months if he does get this new number. And during that 6 months I'll change my number again. I kept his number so that I'd know it was him, every time I've seen his name my stomach dropped. He called yesterday as it was exactly 3 months on from my ending it, and also this week was when he wanted to take me on a pilgrimage to Lourdes in France, it's a holy site to Catholics for the sick. That's the manipulation again right there!
I tried to tell him I was busy yesterday and yet he kept calling back, I was late for work and ended up not going cos I freaked out.
I know somewhere is someone who would find him to be the dream man, cos he wouldn't be a pig with her and she'd like that kind of relationship. I never want to go back to that. He would literally be the death of me. Either because things would have escalated or I would have completely lost it and done something rather permanent. I realise now I was THAT miserable.
I agree and don't think it's paranoia lizzylou, I would never let him in the house again never mind my flat. I was wrong to even speak to him face to face after the break up. Our last big argument, my little sister came in because I was crying, and they ended up in a confrontation that almost turned physical, she said later she was terrified. I feel sick thinking about it, he's this hugely muscled man facing down a young woman.
I'm so so glad I got out but we'll see in the long term. I'm looking over my shoulder, always. If I find that man I'm marrying him, ha! There aren't many tall men round here must be weirdness in the water. I'll have to go to Sweden.

[hellsbells]

Got a few hotties up here! You ready for a night in Newcastle yet??

[JC]

I love the advice that everyone gave you! I don't think I can come up with any better advice. I admire you Cherry. This isn't easy! I don't care what anyone says, people think it's so damn cut and dry to leave an abusive relationship but nobody understands unless they've been through it. Hell yeah cherry! be strong! Don't let that f*cker have any more control!

[pretty]

Cherry, you are one tough cookie, and I am glad you have a strategy. I agree with Jenaya, not much to add, just support and positive vibes comin' at ya!
P

[lizzylou]

PLEASE keep us updated. Even if it's "haven't heard anything, no news"

I'm sorry that your guard is up so high and your looking over your shoulder but for right now, maybe you should keep it up for a bit.

[cherry]

I really do love the good vibes, thanks guys
No backlash so far, he could still message me on facebook if he wanted and I felt it would be ok to leave that avenue open and not block him as I have complete control over whether I reply, and he won't be enraged by being blocked out and feel the need to come to my house. An illusion of control for him but really a control measure for me.
Janaya I think cos of the way I was raised with my mother, I was geared towards it and also highly aware of it, the abusive but trapped relationship. I can only liken it to Stockholm Syndrome. He genuinely cannot and will not believe that I was miserable, as I made an effort to make the best of it. Not even a conscious effort, I'm just programmed to it. And like when my mother moved out... I'm seeing the dark side of it all, in hindsight. Trying not to be crazy about it, but more objective and picking apart what I did wrong so I don't make the same mistakes again.
You know I don't feel brave. I am still running scared and hate that I can't tell him to grow a pair and f*ck off like I would want to, like I feel entitled to. I think I just had enough of it all. It was either get rid of him or snap. I see why women and men don't leave. It's so hard to explain but when you see it happening to someone else, it's plain as day and painful to see. The resounding message though not spoken was 'not good enough' and now I'm telling myself every morning 'your best is good enough'.

[hellsbells]

I think that's a really good idea, leaving some avenue open like that. If he's totall blocked then he could flip a bit. I know from experience when you've broken up with someone and they won't 'talk' it can drive you a bit bad. Having said that, this guy knows what the problem is, he knows why it's over, he's just not mature enough to walk away. I think the definition of 'brave' is being it even when you don't feel it :-)

[Karen]

Jun 26, 2010 19:37:52 GMT -5 cherry said:

You know I don't feel brave. I am still running scared and hate that I can't tell him to grow a pair and f*ck off like I would want to, like I feel entitled to.

Being brave doesn't just involve words. Even if you can't get those words out of your mouth (I never can!), no matter how bad you want to and no matter how much better you *think* you'll feel by saying them, your actions will speak way louder than a few words. Limiting contact with him is your way of telling him to f*ck off. It's not as dramatic, but I think in the end, it'll be much more effective. So, yes, you're brave!!!

[lizzylou]

Doing things like this is maybe being more brave than just telling him to stick it. You are being smart, and allowing the possibility of contact (when you know it's not the best), because you need to handle it in a way that you feel is best.