Telling Someone 'No'

[Karen]

First off, Pretty - LOVE the song! Can you imagine the video all of us could collectively put together with all the pr*cks we've had in our day? Ha ha!

And Cherry, I'm glad you found out now, and not then. I would have been incredibly shocked as well, and would have had very similar feelings that you're having, but in the end, it's just confirmation that he's a big 'ol D*ick. Just knowing that he was making a point to be sneaky and flirty with other women is awful enough, even if it was only that.

Yes, the assumed foundation of your relationship is gone, but I think we could all agree that the one that you have created all on your own is far stronger than the one he ever tried to create with you. The progress you've made in the last year is incredible, so yay for you!

[cherry]

Yay indeed! I agree about the foundation thing too, I feel confident these days because I'm building a self belief that is based in facts that I know and not maybes and doubts that someone else is feeding me.
I woke up this morning feeling resolved and to be honest, with a little closure on the whole thing too.
I no longer feel guilty for upsetting him so much when I ended it. This has proved to be that he was only crying for himself.
It'll be a very long time before I trust again but I will have the time of my life getting to that point

[hellsbells]

Love you!

[pretty]

yay! you are doing awesome cherry! now go do something fun! you deserve it girl!

[Karen]

Cheers to that!

Back to the original topic of the post, I'm sure it'll be much easier to tell him 'no' now if you have a reason to, eh? Silver lining!!

[cherry]

I'm not even gonna mention it to him, it's not open for discussion and telling him I know would be inviting discussion... no he's getting the phone put down and if I see him I'll look through him. I can't scrape enough respect together to even be decent towards him. And I'm one of those cowardly types who says hi to someone I'm supposed to be mad at... but that's how done I am with him.

[sunshine78]

Good for you, getting rid of him and his Douchebaggery, once and for all!

I know how it is when you think your relationship was based on something real and solid, only to find out that that wasn't the case. It makes it just a bit easier to deal with the "overness" of all of it, and easier to be the b*tch that he's always deserved the business end of.

[cherry]

Love you too Hels
Sunshine that's exactly how I feel now. The last of the self-doubting and misplaced feelings of being responsible for him have fallen away. I can't be arsed wishing anything bad on him, or even thinking about him any more. But I'd be happy not to see him ever again. He wouldn't like the new me. I'm like a toddler who's just learned the word 'no' haha.

[helinor]

CRIPES! I've just written you this essay, only to find that the computer wasn't finished loading so I've been reading posts, thinking they're recent and turns out the actual recent posts have you full of confidence and resolution! What terrific news. I won't delete my post though, you might still get something from it. Stoked to hear you're doing so well. I'm impressed. It took me absolute ages.



Hey Cherry,

I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through but stoked to know you're out. I grew up in an abusive household and my mother died when I was 13. After that my step-father had free rein to pretty much do whatever he wanted and this included and exceeded physical abuse. It took me until I was 15 to leave home (had to leave my little sister behind...loooong story) and then everything was brought up again at 18 & 20. Finally at 23, after having pressed charges and gone through the court system he went to prison for all sorts and he is maybe due for release this December.

So, I'm 29 years old now, in a happy and loving relationship with a very kind man. I am telling you this to give you hope. It does get better. You do stop looking over your shoulder. You do stop seeing them in every car. Be strong. I got threats against my life, that of my families, friends etc. Unfortunately in NZ there is only so much that can be done until the offender actually goes ahead and does something. Anyway, like I say, it gets better. I am at a point now where I still have nightmares but I am no longer frightened. I still wouldn't really be surprised if he turned up on my doorstep with a gun but if he does there's nothing I can do to stop him so I reconciled myself to this and decided to live my fullest life regardless. I feel that if I cower then he wins. But, as I've said this confidence has taken over a decade and a half to show up! You'll get there.

I want you to remember a few things that have helped me immensely.

1. His behaviour is HIS responsibility. Therefore you have the right to cut him out like a cancer and feel good about it.

2. You are brave, and you have done an incredibly brave thing. You may look back and think "what if" or "I should have" or "why didn't I think of x, y or z" but the vital thing to remember is that the person you were when you couldn't leave was not well enough or courageous enough at that point to make a move. You've done it now so try your best to forgive yourself. you deserve that forgiveness.

3. Start accepting that you ARE brave. By doing this you are accepting that what happened/is happening is an intolerable situation and a BIG deal, which can only be overcome with colossal amounts of bravery. The sooner you do this ( I had to tell myself for months every morning....'I have courage, I've done the right thing, this is a big deal, I deserve to be safe....') the sooner your poor battered self-esteem can make a come back to it's beautiful self. You feel silly as hell but it does work over time.

Lastly, if he is a copper and afraid of being outed in front of his friends and colleagues perhaps it is time for it all to come out. Of course this is a very personal decision but in my own situation I realised that taking away any guise my step-father could use (his was as struggling widowed father, upstanding community member and coach to several local sports teams) I took away his feeling of invisibility. Like doing the great reveal. Once people had seen his true colours and once they were shown to be so despicable he had nowhere to hide and the behaviour had to stop. I really hope you are soon able to try to take the sympathy out of the situation, he does not deserve it. Just as nobody, ABSOLUTELY NOBODY has the right to bully another human being.

Great, great good luck to you. Helinor.

[pretty]

helinor.... glad you're here girl! you seem wise and strong, glad you've joined us. I so agree with the bravery thing. well said!

[JC]

Yeah that was some amazing advice too!! Well said!

[cherry]

That advice was spot on
I know in myself that it has been a long road to this point of being able to tell him to bugger off out of my life, and I feel strong now and yes that I deserve to be away from him. But if someone calls me brave it doesn't ring true in my head because it really did take me that long for self-preservation to kick in. I can labour under an injustice for ages before I'll stand up for myself, and then when I do I overcompensate by being a total bitch. Old scars and bad reflexes.
I don't feel the right to be called brave, but I appreciate the pats on the back and the encouragement that have strengthened my resolve at times when in the aftermath I've felt so lonely and so wrecked by it. I don't want to undermine anyone else who is still in an abusive relationship or has successfully gotten out of one because I look to those women with great compassion and admiration, but at the same time I know there are some other women out there who think to themselves, just like I do 'it's about time girl!'
Helinor your story in itself was very inspiring

[hellsbells]

Will you accept being called strong then??

[cherry]

Only if you call me Conan.

[helinor]

Conan it is. Strong Conan.