short and sweet... you thought

[cherry]

Don't you hate it when you think you have some negative aspect of your life under control, then life is like 'oh let's test that theory' and you're left with a lack of faith in your own judgement.
I thought I was starting to get over some family issues, once and for all, then the other day I saw my uncle and started having a panic attack. Can anyone say idiot?
Oh or depression, you feel you've made progress and sometimes something happens to show you that you've actually taken 2 steps back.
Life does throw spanners in the works but being proved wrong about your own self just sucks!

[Karen]

I hear you, I've been in similar (but completely different situations) that remind me I'm not where I want to be. BUT, the recovery, or the getting over an encounter like that, typically takes me less and less time each time. Don't think of it as taking 2 steps back - think of it as just a mere break from feeling recovered from it all! Start to take some of that control back!

[pamelaj]

I feel for you Cherry. I go through that as well. Its sometimes hard to gain control or feel that you have.
Just remember the old saying.."for every step forward, one must take 2 steps back"

[cherry]

I have little moments of enlightenment and try to take the hard truth in my stride, but unfortunately the depression means I take the setbacks hard and get doubly bummed out. Would that I could wave a wand!
There's not a lot that is positive in my life right now so it's very annoying to think that stuff I have been working on is not working!
*uni - thought I could go ahead and forge my career by finishing my HND this year, but finding that I now hate the damn subject
*depression - took control, came off drugs and blocked out certain negative influences. Cue family crap, boyfriend being horrible, and generally having depression get in the way
*money - not enough to go have fun but paying all my bills on time, then one date wrong and a bill comes out early, huge bank charges, and the delicate balance is upset
*family - my family is poo, always known that, but after having some bad news and feeling I had gotten over it well, see my pervy uncle and start crying like an arsehole
*work - I like the work, the colleagues, feel like I'm starting to do a great job of dealing with my crazy customers then get 3 very negative feedbacks in 2 weeks that prove that I'm actually messing up some peoples lives!
*self esteem - I talk about myself alllll the time, but literally the only good things I see about myself is that people like my 'kooky ways' which means that they are laughing at, rather than with me.
*sleep - well having to only work evenings is great, because I still sleep 12 hours a night and don't hear my alarms then wake up disoriented and p*ssed off/sad that I've wasted a lot of time. So then I want to go back to sleep so I can ignore the ness I make.

Feel free to add your disgruntlements ladies. This is not all about me!

[sunshine78]

OH MY GOD, I totally feel this.

I know it's a lot harder than it sounds, but sometimes it really is just as easy as: Don't let the things you have no control over upset your life, too much. We can only do what we can do.

That said, I would probably be a bigger mess than I am, right now, if my sh*thole job hadn't told me that I was "welcome to come back" in January. Mind you, I'm avoiding that like the goddamned plague, but it's something. Of course, I'll probably have to go back on Prozac, just to be able to go into the building without crying/punching people. So the past-due bills won't be too past-due for too long. What kills me is this: You tell the people you're trying to get work, and they'll get a payment when you find work... and they have the nerve to ask you if you can get the money from family. Are you f**king kidding me? First, I've already thought of that, and second, they help me out, enough, with my big bills. The jobs I've had were to take care of groceries, gasoline, and little bills, while attending classes. Plus, I talked to someone not 2 days before. One guy said he wanted to set up a payment date. When I told him no, because I didn't know when I'd have the money, he said, well I can set it up, then if you don't have it, give me a call. I said no, because duh, I just told you I didn't know when I was going to get the money, so what's the point in setting a payment date, just to have to call him back? Assh*les.

And lol, I just saw this ad on TV, touting my geographic area as having "the nation's lowest unemployment." ROFL. If that were true, I wouldn't be seeing that f**king ad, and I'm about as hire-able as you can get.

[hellsbells]

Ahh Cherry that sux. One little positive in there...........you have us bunch to turn to!

I've had a crappy week/10 days. My best mate's sister died after battling cancer for the 2nd time. Funeral was yesterday, which was wonderful cos sooo many people came. She was a lovely woman. It brought back a lot of memories though, of losing my own brother and my dad.

Why don't you think about going back on anti-depressants? I've been there myself in the past and they've worked well for me. Have you seen a counsellor at the same time as being on them? You gotta look after yourself girl..........xx

[osb]

Cherry, everything you're saying makes so much sense. Maybe we all deal with difficult things in life by compartmentalizing, walling off that bad bit in one's brain like an oyster with a nasty grain of sand. It's imperfect, though; the wall breaks every so often, but it doesn't mean you're not a strong person. Counselling is a great suggestion, an empathetic ear means so much.

They say you never 'get over' some things. I was raped a few thousand years ago. Thought I was very tough, had dealt with everything, walled it off... nope, not me, I'm a survivor. Only a couple of people knew. But it kept flashing back randomly..... anything that holds my head or body confined (maybe that's why I'm claustrophobic?)..... was dancing at a friend's wedding, realized some guys were watching me and decompensated.... Finally had a long chat with a friend who went through far worse than I did; maybe put some demons to rest. The memory may be lurking there, but (touch wood) it seems the flashbacks are over.

[Karen]

I get it - when you're in the thick of it, it all just sucks, and it's as good an opportunity as any to think about everything else that sucks. Totally been there, and it's hard as hell to get out of the funk. But, I'm realizing that there's never going to be a time in my life where everything is perfect, there's always going to be something I wish were different. I have to constantly remind myself to spend my energy on the things I can control and influence, and not spend as much energy on the things I can't.

I have some demons from my past that pop up every now and again, too, but have to remind myself that those things don't define me. And your demons don't define you, either. We've got your back and care about you no matter what, k?

[cherry]

You guys are all so right, thank you. I think because a certain person, with misplaced intentions has been on my back to fix everything at once, I have frozen like a rabbit in headlights, not knowing what to try and fix first.
I have made a little plan for tomorrow. My sister will drag me out of bed, I will brush my teeth and have a cup of tea to wake up, write a list, see my doc about the depression (prozac did some nasty things to me but I made need to medicate, agreed) and get a note to allow me to extend on my papers by a week, relax a little. I think that those 3 things will be the start of good things. Less sleep, get the ball rolling with the mental bad stuff, try and get my studies in a box before I give in to temptation and drop out of my course altogether.
I definitely need to get a counsellor. I didn't want to when I started the prozac in May as there was an open issue of abuse that I knew couldn't be resolved in 6 sessions. Even on the NHS it all comes down to money. Being poor sucks. I wouldn't be poor if I finished my HND and got the career started
Honestly, you guys have been the best. I can get a sensible answer no matter what. Reading back I always think I sound whiney but I'm just frustrated about these things and my reaction to them, rather than wanting to die (a previous nasty effect on Prozac) But I will re-compartmentaize my life and get onto a healthy track.
One big help would be if I slapped my mother with a rotten kipper as she's an unpleasant sort and the root of most evils
A sad thing is that I've wondered what my granddad would make of all this. He was a stern man, but lovely, and would be quite dismayed. But I just can't stop myself! So now will picture him looking a bit annoyed (strait-laced Caribbean man shaking his head, check) and will set upo some goals and better still, envision the good things to come my way if I can sort myself out. Can we say shoes and a dog? My big 2 year mark is to be suitable as a carer, but the faster I can be that person, the better

Helen I can sympathise with the loss of your friend's sister, though the feelings it brought up for you are something that I'm not familiar with and must be unbearable. My best friend's mother died 3 years ago after battling cancer for the 3rd time. Their bravery just leaves you in awe.
osb I started going downhill last year as flashbacks and memories started popping up randomly, things I had forgotten. I was a mess. This time it was the anger at my family doing less than nothing to protect us girls, and going over it all in my head, seeming to get over the pain... then seeing the cause of the upheaval wandering around home wares with his newborn daughter it kinda knocked the wind out of me.
Karen I have never thought of it that way. I think cos the bad stuff in the past has been some kind of dirty little secret, I've never tried to get a healthy perspective on it. Until I got upset last week, I felt that it was becoming an ever shrinking part of me, so I will concentrate on stopping the past mistakes of others from ruining who I can be.
Sunshine, I used to be one of those arsehole debt collectors you speak of, and they are scum. I know this from both sides. You can tell them that you know a top collector from Europe's biggest debt management agency, and that she was made redundant anyway, so they should find a more worthwhile and relaible job. If you wanna rub it in just shout 'muwhahaha' to add to the feeling of doom before hanging up.
I have a ton of advice, not sure how well it would go over in the US, but I'm always here if you need a few pointers on how to deal with dumb collectors. I'm proud that I did my job in a decent manner towards my 'customers' rather than harassing and grabbing for every penny. Never, ever worth it. People laughed that I believed in being 'nice but it made my life and their lives a lot easier.
Seems like I'm gonna have to go cap in hand, to my bank to ask that they refund the charges, and to my agency, to get me a 'proper' job. Oh here they say there are jobs out there. Well the jobs are playing hide and seek with me!

[Karen]

Your plan for tomorrow sounds like a good one. Let us know how it goes, ok? You know we'll be checking in on you. Start with the little things, then work your way on up. And, no, we don't expect you'll be right as rain in a few days or weeks, but If you know what it is that you want, you can keep doing things to get more and more control in your life over those things.

I know it may sound dorky, but have you written down a few goals, leave them in a place where you'll see them every day? When I was at my worst last year, I had it written down to eat foods that are good for me, stay active, be strong, and ask for help. Some days those things all seemed impossible, but eventually, they weren't.

And as for counseling, yeah, 6 sessions might not get you as far as you need to be, but it's bound to get you somewhere. And somewhere is a little bit better than nowhere.

I'm amazed at what everyone here has been through, and the strong women that you've all become by going through it all.

[hellsbells]

Carolyn must have had some divine inspiration when she set this up. So many people coming together with so much crap to deal with but even in our darker moments we still find it in ourselves to send a positive post to someone else.

Cherry, if you ever need it, I'm on the end of the phone hun. And remember, all of us, 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' - and we are. Another good chant my male gay best friend gave me (same friend mentioned above - he's my rock): 'I am Woman, I am Strong'. It's really good to hear the steps you're taking to. I know anti-depressants don't make all the sh1t go away, but by golly they make life feel a bit more normal and bearable! The one I took a few times was called Lustral and I found it worked very well for me.

[pamelaj]

I just want to reach through my laptop and give all of you a big hug. Maybe someday one of us will win the lottery and we can all meet in some tropical place, sipping margaritas at the swim up bar with some guy named JOSE FEEDING US ALL GRAPES...ahhh fantasy land.

Cherry, i can completely relate with you. When things start going downhill, it does bring up "other stuff". I was sexually abused as a child and thought i had dealt with that. Not so true when other stuff is going wrong. Im constanly worried about money because only my husband is working and even with his income we struggle. In the past year and a half, i have lost my step mother, reason not identified but i think to much meds and i lost my dad who battled cancer for 3 years after he was only given 6 months to live.
I am now medicated and it has helped tremendously. We are all here for you on your good and bad days so dont ever feel you are sounding whiney because you have alot of company on your ship called life and we will paddle your boat if needed to help get you to your destination.

[sunshine78]

Cherry, hang in there, lady. Having a plan, or a semblance of one, is always the first step in keeping the insanity from dragging you down.

[cherry]

I got to the docs eventually, had to push my exams back to the summer exam period. going to the bank tomorrow. Getting counselling re old abuse troubles. Doc is not wanting to give me more antidepressanst which I'm ok with for now, but if I can't pull myself up I will ask him to reconsider after Christmas. My normal doc is Dr Jude, who is a bit of a pr*ck but ok, this doc I saw today is Dr Julian and I usually avoid him but Jude is off. My fave doc is off on maternity so I will have to suffer under these daft men til she's back in Feb.
Woo girls, I feel much better, uni pressure is off, having blood tests for possible causes of sleep trouble, Christmas coming up (who doesn't love the idea of baby jesus smiling at the donkeys) took me a few days to even action my plan, but now the ball is rolling I should be able to flip my tortoise back onto it's feet
You're all super lovely btw

[cherry]

I considered looking into legal action against my family members but kinda chickened out until I feel more secure in myself cos my little sis will not be a part of it (for whatever reason, I think she wants to move on maybe?)