who would want a big ol' mess?

[doll]

No way...no one wants this big mess!

I also think if I sat down and wrote about my daily experiences of having Endometriosis along with my nutty family issues...I'd have a best seller. NOTE TO SELF: Start writing!

Anyway, I've never had kids and wanted to get pregnant for some time, but I'm pretty much over it now and after feeling so much pain...I came to the realization..."What if I give pass this on to my daughter?" Yes, I've actually thought of that!

I do feel for my hubby very much! He NEVER says it, but I know he wants his own child. He would make such a wonder dad. However, he NEVER says that and always makes me feel loved. He says things like, "honey, we could adopt if you wanted and if not...who cares, it's me and you babe." He is so supportive, which in turn, makes me want to go out and help the WORLD!

I became very depressed after my fourth lap and did not think I'd bounce back, but I did. My sister is lucky and does not have endo, but my mom and aunt do. I'm so happy for my sister and that she had a son, He has brought much joy into my life as he is the son I never had. Now, after six laps in six years...Yes, still have pain, but I'm cheerful. I understand endo much more and I also feel sickened inside, but I try not to take it out on others. It's not their fault.

BRAVO for boards such as this! They HELP! ;D

[cherry]

Whoa really feeling this today. I've been so lucky lately with endo pain but just feeling a bit of endo sadness today. Not nice to have to consider endo and it's many many effects in your future

[hellsbells]

Hey Cherry, I've a whole load of mixed emotions about my diagnosis. I'm not surely it's entirely sunk in. On the one hand, I was convinced I had it, on the other I was convinced they'd find nothing, but they did. Relief and panic at the same time I guess. When I didn't know for sure, I wondered what the future held. Now I know for sure, I still wonder, and don't know what's going to happen with regards to what they took away coming back, or the meds they've given me not working/having side affects. It's slowly sinking in though, but it's opened up a whole new world of questions! I'm 34, single and no kids, and now with Provera for 6 months and Mirena for God knows how long - when do I make the decision to keep on waiting, or just go it alone. There's that word 'waiting' again!

[Karen]

Ok, I haven't read the entire thread - I know you revived it a while back and I intended to read the whole thing later, but I finally read your initial post and it's DEAD ON what's been on my mind, what I mean about wanting to get my confidence back for the new year.

I've been talking this out with my sister and friend of mine, and I think at the root of it all, despite feeling better physically, I still feel 'broken'. I have that sense of who would want me now? I've never been dead set about having kids, and still think that I might not, but when you're out there and dating, that's a big discussion to have and sometimes, it can be the clincher. I mean, I don't THINK endo would give me infertility problems since as of a year ago, my tubes/ovaries/uterus all looked fine, but there's that sneaking thought in the back of my mind that perhaps someday I may want kids, but won't be able to have them. And that makes me feel broken, like someone may not want me because of that. And I KNOW that if someone has that attitude, then they're not right for me, but it's still hard to think about. The conclusion that I came to was that I need to be ok with maybe not being able to have a family if I find someone that suits me before I can expect anyone else to sign up and be ok about it.

I've only briefly dated since this all went down, and I haven't really been open with many of them about what's going on. Some had an inkling something was going on, and one even knew it was endo, but I downplayed it because I had no idea how to bring it up even though it was consuming every thought in my head at the time. It's easier to talk about it with friends!

And honestly, I know my weight gain in the last year is due to a lot of different factors, but deep down, I suspect a lot of it is a security blanket. I get a lot more attention from men when I'm 15 pounds or more lighter, and honestly, sometimes it's easier not to get attention when I've been feeling like crap! And when I'm heavier, although I feel disgusting, it kind of keeps me from getting out there and trying to meet someone, to date, which in turn keeps me from talking about what's going on in my insides with a guy (at the right moment, of course - that's not something I'd share on a first date or anything!).

So how do you get to the point where you've accepted everything and just deal with it? I'm not sure. But I hope to find out, and I hope to find a lot more of my confidence in the meantime. And as horrible as it is to think about all this stuff and try to figure it out, it's really nice to know that I'm not the only one.

[hellsbells]

I'm pretty sure I want kids. Not desperate right now, I'm still getting going in my career, and I'm enjoying life. But I'm 34, and I'm single. I want to be with someone for a while, hopefully even married, before I make the decision to have kids. But I'm 34. And single.......so it figures I could well be around 36/37 even if I meet someone soon (I'm 35 in March). All but one of my close friends have kids, and I look at their lives and think 'I don't want that..'. because I know most of them aren't really happy in their marriages. I want to fall in love with the man who's perfect for me. I'm quite picky when it comes to giving up my time and space, so it has to be someone I can't get enough of. I don't want the perfect man, just the one who's perfect me, in so far as we have the right kind of connection. So I have to face the facts that I might never meet him. I might never have kids. Will I ever get desperate enough to go it alone? I always said ideally I wanted the whole package. There's a history of fertility problems in my family, and three of my friends have has to go the treatment/IVF route. So even though my doctor told me 10 days ago he sees no physical reason I can't conceive, I'm still scared that if/when the time comes, it won't happen quickly/naturally. By which time I could be what, 40? It's hard to admit this to most people. But yeah, being single and childless at 34 in some ways makes me feel like a failure. Especially when I'm the only one of my friends in this situation.

[Karen]

I'm right behind you, Helen. 32 and single and I'm completely content with that. I'm getting a second career going, I own my own home, and I can support myself well on my own. And although most of my married friends have admitted that they're jealous (they, too, all have kids), I'm a bit jealous of them at times. Not often, mind you, but it still happens.

And I'm with you in that I won't just settle for some guy, it has to be the right guy, I guess this all somehow complicates things even more. Not only does he have to love me for being more set in my ways, but now I have to ask someone to love me with the mere possibility of not being able to have kids? And I certainly don't see kids within the first 2 years of a relationship, so I'll be waiting a while, too.

I'm not quite certain why I've been feeling this way lately. It's not consuming all my thought or anything, but it's bothering me that it's bothering me. Sigh.

[hellsbells]

I hear ya! When we were out last Wednesday they were bitching about their husbands and lives and I sat and smiled and said 'I love my life'. But the grass is always greener as they say. I don't even know if I want to be pregnant, for me it's more of a mothering thing than a being pregnant thing. I may meet the man who's perfect for me although he already has kids. I may adopt/foster. I may end up being an old spinster. But rather that than a lifetime of misery with the wrong man - and I've come close.

The whole kids issue doesn't consume my thoughts either. But it worries me how old I could be by the time I even get to try! 5 years ago friends/family would be saying 'Ahh you've got plenty of time'. They'll not be saying that now! But hey, we're financially independent, strong, intelligent, attractive women - who don't NEED a man to make our lives better. But the right one may 'enhance' our lives in the right way! And that goes for you too Cherry!!

[Karen]

Ah, it's like you took (most of) the words right out of my mouth! (Except the pregnant part - I think I'd want to be pregnant more than I'd want to be a mom. Although I'm full aware that being pregnant = being a mom. )

Great minds think alike, eh?

[hellsbells]

Lol. I watched a program with my aunt when I was about 6 or 7 I think. It involved watching a woman go through labour. From that point, being pregnant/giving birth has never held that much appeal to me! I started saying right away I wanted to adopt!! Nah I guess I would want the whole experience. I'm just prepared to accept whatever life throws at me. I kinda believe in fate/destiny etc, to a point. Life gets me down at times but I try to put as many positive spins on things as I can!

[Tara]

Karen you hit the hammer right on the nail for me the word "Broken" summs up exactly how I feel, Diagnosed in Sept 09, new to the dianoses but have had symptoms for years. My whole prosess started when I called up my Gyno, and told the sectetary when I couldn't get an appointment for three months, that she didn't understand, THAT I AM BROKEN..... I I have kids, but some nights the pain is so bad that I can't do things with them, they call me broken....And I am 34 been married for 7 years, but worry that if Sex isn't appealing to me any more, That my husband might leave for someone who it isn't a chore for them....He is a great guy and brobably wouldn't leave, but it is in the back of my mind. Broken is exactly the right word, but still holding up hope to be fixed on day

[Karen]

Ah, I had a very good talk about this the other day with my therapist. Some day when I have some time to get into it, I'll post. She kind of put things into perspective, and although it'll take a while for me to get there, I really think this is something I need to make a conscious effort to work at.

As horrible as it feels to be broken, isn't it so nice not to feel like the only broken person in the world? I heart this place!

[cherry]

I completely understand. I'm 25 still but partly due to my boyfriends visions of 'how things should be' I've been a bit panicky about time running out. I think recent decisions to foster have helped me put some demons to rest. I think feeling an imporvement with pain and symptoms really helps you to put these insecurities aside. You feel more able bodied, more alive and sociable, just damn grateful to feel less like crap than you normally do. I wish more than anything that they could find a cure cos there's no telling the many ways that this disease inflicts pure misery. Silent disease it definitely is!

[cware000]

All I can say is "WOW", all of you girls that have posted in this thread are truly amazing, I can't even believe I am reading it on my screen. You made me cry. I swear we should all get together somewhere, sometime. It would be a great retreat or something, we can all share stories - face to face. Thank god you are all here!! Love all of you!

[hellsbells]

What's your story Cindy? And I agree, it would be nice to meet up with people. One of us needs to win the lotto soon so we can all go on the endo cruise!

[Karen]

Ditto. I think it's awful that we all had to meet because -duh- that means we all have some awful disease - but the friendships and support I've found here are amazing! I'm tempted to start buying lottery tickets!

I've been thinking the past few days about what my therapist said about all this. She kind of put it into perspective a bit. She said EVERYONE she sees over the age of about 25 has some sort of baggage that they bring into a relationship, whether it be divorce, kids, abuse, trust issues, etc. And, duh, I already know that! Endo just happens to be my baggage. I don't meant to kid myself that this is the only baggage I have, but it's just a part of me now. I've dated a lot of guys that had lots of baggage and honestly, it was just part of them, part of their life, and I either had to be ok with it or I didn't. And most of the time, it didn't even phase me after I knew more about the situation! Why should I expect it to be any different when it's me? And if it does phase someone and it's just too much, well, then they likely aren't a good fit for me, endo or not. I guess the thing I need to work on is being more comfortable talking about it when the time is appropriate. Honestly, I think just having that talk (well, that and getting physical with someone again) is what's preventing me from really putting myself out there.

And, another thing she mentioned was that I wasn't going to attract the kind of guy that was dead set about having kids, that I'd attract someone that was a bit iffy about the whole idea, too, or that I'd attract someone that already has kids (at my age, a lot of the guys I've dated have kids and I'm cool with that) so it's not even an issue. I mean, if I went out with a guy BEFORE all this started that said 'I absolutely want to have kids within two years' or 'I want at least 5 kids' or something like that, I would have run for the hills! It's not like I ever would have ended up with a guy that's dead-set about having kids, anyway!

And, like my friend and sister said, if a guy can't deal with it, he's not worth it. But I guess my lingering question is how do you know it's not going to be a big deal to a guy unless you tell him and put yourself out there? There's that fear again!

A long time ago, a friend gave me a power thought card. It's a deck of cards of affirmations, and she said that I'd randomly pick the card out of the stack that _I_ needed. She was right, and it brought tears to my eyes when I read it. "I am worth loving" I think perhaps I need to remind myself of that these days.