|
|
Post by JackMcFarland on Mar 24, 2007 13:00:47 GMT -5
I wish I didn't want kids. I always said I'd wait till the very last possible moment to have kids. I wanted to travel the world, get married, make my career. It seems as if we all have to make sacrifices, and having my own children may be mine. I suppose I need to get my priorities in order and figure out what means the most to me. The other night I came up with a decent idea - I graduate school next year, as does my boyfriend. As a graduation gift to ourselves, we want to go backpacking in Europe and end up in Italy (where our families are from) for a good three weeks during the summer. After this little excursion, we'll come back to reality and hopefully be ready to start a family, I'll be 24. I'm relying on this...it's giving me hope  |
|
|
|
Post by kb on Mar 25, 2007 8:33:37 GMT -5
I tried that too Tess, hope it works for ya. Me and the hubby went to europe for 10weeks, was fantastic, was meant to come back with that all out of our system, but it just implanted it further. But it did do one thing, made me realise that life is too short, and i did come to a conclusion, just not the one all my family was hoping for. Too bad this stupid illness had to get in the way, ah well, i will defeat it and travel again  |
|
|
|
Post by ouchy on Mar 25, 2007 16:15:29 GMT -5
Posted by guest user "Chloe" in another thread.
___________________________________________________
"Hello all,
I never really know where to start when Im talking about my periods and endo, my sister only told me this morning that maybe I should grin and bare it, Im sure for anyone that has mind blowing, crippling, think you're gonna die cramps would have been as ermmmm angry and hurt as I was by this comment.
I feel positive one minute, heart broken the next then I get angry (why is this happing to me?) stressed, and... empty.
I also feel a real guilt that my partner has to spend so much time looking after me, he doesnt mind and is incredibly supportive but when Im suffering with cramps I call on him alot for cuddles, back rubs, feet massages, he also has to take on all the chores and everything. I know Tony doesnt mind and he really understands but I get so worried a couple of year down the line he'll just get fed up having a sick partner that he'll crave normality... whatever that is!
Once the pain has subsided, I am left reflecting in almost a numb version of myself and feel so lost and alone, alone and trapped in all these differant thoughts. Tony is so supportive that it seems a strange thing to say that I feel alone but its like I get trapped in my mind.
Does anybody have any coping stratigies?
It breaks my heart, really breaks my heart that I may never be able to concieve.
Does anybody else find themselves in this kind of trance?
Some days I just want to walk away from it all, which is stupid because you cant escape you're own body can you? I get so over whelmed by the whole situation that I feel like I have have nothing to offer anyone and all those around me would be better off if I just disappeared and took my rubbish periods with me.
When I have cramps, goodness I cant even decribe how bad the pain is, it leaves me hysterical, It may sound ridiculous but it takes over my whole lower body I even feel it in my feet, everything aches and I get really scared, it doesnt feel natural to be in that much pain!!
If any body feels like this, has any coping strategies or has managed to get their endo under control I would really appreciate a reply to this post.
Any help would be gratefully recieved!
Chloe
p.s sorry its so long!"
|
|
|
|
Post by angelas on Mar 27, 2007 11:19:29 GMT -5
kb - I just wanted to say I envy your braveness! I am a believer that we are all here for a reason, and some of us just aren't meant to be mothers. There may be something more important for you to contribute to this life! For me, being a mother is the most important thing in my life, and has been for years. Maybe its because I never had a mother myself (she left when I was very young). I am going on 29 now, and I feel that I have been very patient with everything. I haven't had the chance to travel much, not because I don't want to, but because there always seems to be a reason I can't such as $$. For me I'm not worried about not havingt the chance to see the world, but I am worried about not having the chance to see my own child. And as selfish as this may sound, adoption is not an option for me. I want to experience pregnancy more than anything! We all have different plans for ourselves, and we've all had our own issues. The saddest part is that we also all have this disease! Cherry, I don't blame you at all for being so angry! Infact I am beyond happy I got to read that emotion since you seemed to take it right out of me! Thank you so much for starting this thread!! It has really helped me put things into perspective even further!
|
|
|
|
Post by kb on Mar 29, 2007 0:53:17 GMT -5
I can understand u wanting to experience pregnancy, i am sure it is a wonderful experience.
Dont lose hope angelas, many people have trouble falling pregnant and get there in the end. I wish u all the best in achieving what u want and that goes for everyone on this board.
|
|
|
|
Post by angelas on Mar 29, 2007 11:29:30 GMT -5
Thanks!
|
|
|
|
Post by scarlett on Mar 29, 2007 13:16:45 GMT -5
A lot of what's been said in this thread really hit the nail on the head as far as what I've been feeling since diagnosis. Nobody wants to be 'a special consideration' when planning to start a family, or be the one who the finger is pointed at, the one who is pitied when you don't get pregnant or don't get past the first trimester. So true. I really hate feeling 'different' from everyone else and I'm sorry to say, but I do envy those who don't have to deal with this, worrying if the pain will get worse and having children so easily in comparison to me and other with endo. I've always felt different because my parents divorced and stuff and I had a slightly unconventional home life as a child (nothing bad, just unconventional) and what I really wanted was to have a very conventional home life of my own when I got older - so it seems like having endo is some kind of a conspiracy to stop this happening!! I know it's not really, but sometimes I wonder if endo is partially the result of being quite a stoical person and keeping things bottled up and battling through things, so like all the emotions and pain went into my endo instead of getting properly expressed outwards. It's just a theory of course and I'm not suggesting we are in ANY way to blame, but sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't have been better not being so stoical and just letting it all out instead!! My life was going amazingly, but recently it's been turned totally upside down. I feel exactly the same Tess. I'd always regarding myself as a really lucky person with a great life and I'd just got married and was looking forward to a whole new life, and things have just got knocked completely sideways. It's mad and I still think I'm getting over the shock. It's true what Cherry says about making the best of it though. I really try to be positive and most of the time that works. Sometimes I resent having to spend the energy being positive, but that's the way it is I suppose!  This post is really long but I guess this is the rant and rave space!! Can I just say though that this forum is a fantastic resource and it has been a wonderful place to come over the last few months. Thanks so much to everyone who posts and to the mods who keep it in such great order and contribute so much time to it!! |
|
|
|
Post by scarlett on Mar 29, 2007 13:17:22 GMT -5
sorry my quotes thing didn't work, I haven't worked that one out yet....  |
|
|
|
Post by angelas on Mar 29, 2007 15:37:10 GMT -5
scarlett, I never wanted to admit that my unconventional upbringing has a lot to do with my feelings in dealing with this disease. I am so glad that you were able to say that! It made me feel better about the feelings I have underlying all this as well.
|
|
|
|
Post by kb on Mar 29, 2007 23:24:34 GMT -5
You know, i think im still in shock too.
My life was going amazingly too, had a nice house, a job i loved, a wonderful husband, good friends.
I guess i still have all those things, but with my life upside down blessings have turned into burdens.
I cant work anymore, so loving my job means nothing, and i havent worked in a hospital in at least a year, only community nursing, i love community nursing but i miss the excitement of the hospital work.
The house is a burden, it costs more than we can afford now that i cant work, and i cant maintain it, my husband is left to do it all. I hate the house now, it causes more stress than its worth.
My wonderful husband is still wonderful, but the strain of my illness has strained our relationship, i no longer have the close relationship i once had and am not sure ill ever get it back.
Good friends i still have, and the illness has made me closer with some friends and not so close with others. But being sick, i cant give my friends the time they deserve.
So all the wonderful things in my life are greatly affected and life has lost the joy it once had. Im not depressed but i am lost.
I feel like ive made all the wrong decisions in life, ive been forced to stop and reevaluate everything, so now i question everything. Im still in shock for what ive lost, and feel like im wandering aimlessly through life with no clue what i should do next.
Do others feel lost? Is this normal when ur lifes been turned upside down?
|
|
|
|
Post by AussieBird on Mar 30, 2007 1:39:58 GMT -5
I feel 'something' strongly... but haven't figured out quite how to describe it yet.
|
|
|
|
Post by cherry on Mar 30, 2007 3:59:21 GMT -5
I have to say this has put a strain on my relationships also, my sister has been a star but living with me has meant she bears the brunt of my mood swings. And these moodswings are psychotic to the point that it must feel like she is living with our mum again. I hate that, it's my worst nightmare.
My bf has coped well considering I don't know whether I'm coming or going, I'm very indecisive as it is so me changing my mind every 5 minutes on important things that will affect me longterm and my fertility etc, frustrates him. I think he always hoped that such important decisions I would stick by, but I don't and I even annoy myself. Some days I get sick of acclimatizing to more and more pain and just give up for a few hours and that bothers him cos he doesn't know whether I'm giving up altogether. The messiness of my thoughts has been hard enough for me to cope with so people around me must be darn confused.
The friends I got on with so well just ducked out altogether, they started out jealous that my boyfriend was my new focus (he was however getting me through a lot of tough stuff) and now thankfully I am back in touch with my old, real friends who just know me so well and are so supportive.
The one thing this disease has taught me is that I must ultimately depend on myself. It has hurt to learn this value but I know where I stand at the end of the day cos the last person there for me is me, and I am more secure in myself, even if I change my mind every 5 minutes!
My family, namely my mum, about as useful as a chocolate teapot, despite having endo herself. But she's out of my way now so it doesn't hurt so much xx
|
|
|
|
Post by angelas on Mar 30, 2007 9:12:18 GMT -5
I know what you mean about feeling lost. Until I read your post kb, I could never really put my finger on the words to describe it. For me I've changed a lot as a person. I now live one day at a time, accept what I can each day, and hope that tomorrow will give me the chance to make those choices again. I can't make plans in advance anymore, which makes it hard to plan to see family and friends. I like you have become close to some, but almost lost others. I have mostly grown apart from the friends who are now married and have children. I know that that is the reason I have started feeling so jealous of those women that are pregnant or have little babies. I see how all consuming pregnancy can be (and I don't mean that for all ladies, just the ones I've personally known), and so it should be that way! But when friends complain constantly about how much they hate being pregnant, and how they never want to do it again, and how their ankles hurt, and they feel bloated, and tired, I always think to myself that I would trade places with all of them at once!!!
I also keep telling myself that things will change after my surgery... and I don't know forsure that they will. The results can't be known until I have the surgery done, and there really is no way to prepare myself for that. Same with going back to work! I love my job too.. but I know I will not be able to get right back into it for a little while after my surgery... and who knows... will I not be able to handle a job on my feet all day long the same as before?? will I have to maybe find a different job?
There are so many questions I have... and I have no idea where to start getting the answers from... and so I am lost... totally lost.
|
|
|
|
Post by scarlett on Mar 31, 2007 16:18:32 GMT -5
I also have that feeling of being lost - although like many I hadn't been able to put my finger on it. Before endo (diagnosis) I had always made sure I had lots to look forward to in my life and if I was feeling down or even if I was just daydreaming I would think about those things and they'd make me feel good. It could be something as simple as a shopping trip I was going on or planning a new outfit for going out or it could be something bigger like a holiday or something.
Since the diagnosis I find I 'physically' (I use that word because that's how it feels) can't do that any more. I can be happy enough and content, but I find it impossible to daydream about the future. I suppose it's a sign of shock and also a low level depression. I mean quite low level, I feel ok as such, even though I have bad days with the endo and the feelings it brings up as well. But I think I just feel lost and a bit like I can't plan my life at the moment. It's a totally new experience for my and it's been really difficult.
|
|
|
|
Post by kb on Apr 1, 2007 2:15:57 GMT -5
I think a certain amount of depression is normal with chronic pain, i dont believe i have depression but i do get depressed, not enough to need medication for it, just enough that i need to monitor it and be aware of it. I guess then maybe it is normal to feel lost, i mean when u consider what were all going through, its a struggle and it drains us both physically and mentally. At least on the bright side its making us all very strong women, and maybe reevaluating ur life isnt such a bad thing, probs better than continuing blindly and never thinking bout anything. Maybe its an advantage that others dont have in spiritual development |
|
