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Post by pamelaj on Apr 14, 2010 6:49:22 GMT -5
:' ( I could really use some emotional support right now to help me deal with a very scary and unusual experience. I have had a best friend for 25 years. We have been there for each other through thick and thin. I was there in the delivery room when her now 17yr old daughter and 15yr old son were born. I love both those children like a niece and nephew as if we shared the same blood. Her daughter is one of those teen girls ever parent would love to have. She is a book worm, straight A student, not into dating yet and saving herself for marriage. My BF has done a fantastic job with raising her children and the respect and love that family has for each other is amazing. Last night, my BF called me...my beautiful 17yr old niece was raped by a close friend of hers in her own home. I treat this girl as my own, and am so mad and upset that someone could do this this. What gives someone the right to take something like that from a girl when it was not there's to take? Im so upset, i have no idea even what to even say to my BF or niece? The most upsetting thing my niece said when I told her i was so sorry for something being stolen from her..."Aunti, he cant steal anything from me that is only mine to give" Any advice on what i should do/say to help my BF family?
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Post by hellsbells on Apr 14, 2010 14:29:40 GMT -5
Sorry Pam, not a lot of experience so I don't really know what to say. Putting myself in her shoes, I'd need to feel love and calmness around me, so whatever you're feeling don't let her see too much of it, just quietly be there.
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Post by Karen on Apr 14, 2010 17:22:37 GMT -5
Ah, Pam, that just sucks. I had my virginity taken after being slipped something or another. Athough it wasn't a violent experience and I remember very little, it's still something I think about regularly, particularly because I didn't have the skills to cope with it and dealt with it in some pretty sh1tty ways (of course, I didn't know that at the time) that still affect me to this day.
Let her talk about it if she wants to talk about, and if she's quiet about it at least consider acknowledging it and leaving the door open if she (or your BF) want to talk about it down the road. Counseling I think would be very good, although it's certainly not going to fix things, it might at least help her process it. Let her know that she feels loved, that she did nothing wrong.
As upset as I can image you are, keep in mind she and your BF may be dealing with things differently than you might think or expect. Keep that in mind as you talk to them.
Sending hugs your way.
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Post by JC on Apr 15, 2010 20:09:37 GMT -5
aww I'm sorry Pam. I know all too well how this feels when someone violates a person you love. If I can speak from experience, my baby brother was raped and molested by his childcare's 19 year old son. The molestation went on for about 4 years. When it all came out, I think the best thing we could do for my brother was remind him that he did nothing wrong and that we loved him so much and we expressed how proud we were for him speaking up. It's not something you can fix, but you'd be amazing at how and abundance of love can help someone through a hard time. Even if you're not actively in the person's vicinity, them knowing how much they are loved helps a great deal. Also if she wants to talk about it I'm sure you would be there for her. It's extremely hurtful to hear about something like this. It makes you angry for such a good person to have something so bad happen to them. She sounds like a strong young lady. I would encourage counseling for her if she's open to it. As far as your best friend, I think the same applies. Just show your love and support, you can even cry together. I'm sorry this happened. It's so sad that these things happen.
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Post by Tara on Apr 16, 2010 14:56:46 GMT -5
I am very sorry to hear your news.
Sometimes the best thing to say when you don't know what to say is the truth, "I don't know what to say" your BF might not know what she or her daughter needs right now, but knowing that you are there is often enough.
Check in with how they are doing, quite often people will withdraw so you checking in with them is great instead of waiting for them to reach out. All to often we say "Call if you need anything" and people don't call so we think they are ok.
As you are so close, you will also have to figure a way to cope with your feelings so don't forget about yourself.
Sometimes it's hard to figure out why we do such bad things to each other
Hugs
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Post by JC on Apr 18, 2010 7:58:32 GMT -5
Tara, that's excellent advice, don't forget about yourself and your feelings too. You are also affected by this. Pam, do you have an update? How is everything going?
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Post by pamelaj on Apr 18, 2010 10:00:23 GMT -5
Everything is going.....not so OK but going. The guy was out on bail Friday and he is pleading not guilty. My BF and niece are a wreck. I am trying just to be there for them, as a friend, a confidant and a shoulder to cry on. My niece is a strong young woman and its killing me to see her go through this. Brad is being amazing as he is not questioning the long phone calls or the support im offerring them. I will be with them every step of the way.
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Post by cherry on Apr 18, 2010 10:32:50 GMT -5
Wow Pamela that is so saddening. She sounds like such a sweetheart from that one line you quoted from her. It's terrible for them but for those around her it's also so sad because there are a lot of negative feelings that people don't know how to express. Guilt, anger, disgust, absolute rage and hatred. How he can have the front to please not guilty just defies belief. I've had a near miss and the one thing that hurts is that when I've confided in a few about it, they've just clammed up and don't know what to say, there was even one friend who argued about the validity of my experience because it was an ex-boyfriend who did it. Nobody has a right to tell any assault victim that they left themselves open to it. Otherwise they have literally sat there in silence. It's great that you are there, talking it out and offering your support. I also agree with Tara's golden advice about checking in rather than just leaving the offer in the air. People never want to burden you, but when you ask them it usually comes tumbling out. On the other hand, my younger sister refuses to talk about the gravity of what was done to her as a toddler. This frustrates me so much because I see the damage inflicted in her everyday movements. Counselling or group therapy would be good, she will go through a grieving process so weathering this with her will be hard, she may change. She's lucky to have such love and support, I'm glad for her. Praying the little fool who did this to her changes his plea rather than subjecting her to the possibilities of a trial.
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Post by pamelaj on Apr 18, 2010 13:14:07 GMT -5
Cherry...you've described all the feelings in going through right now. I am not going to sit back in silence and watch then go through this. As a victim of sexual assault myself, not having people to confide in or talk to was so hard for me. My niece is telling me alot of stuff that she isnt telling her mom, because she feels i know best how she is feeling. It makes me so angry and mad that he can do this to her and act like nothing happened. He txted her brother and said that she wanted it, that she was flirting him earlier in the day. That means nothing, NO MEANS NO!!!! To make it worse, 3 days after he raped her, he did the same thing to one of her friends. This guy now has 2 rape charges against him and he is pleading not guilty to both.
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Post by cherry on Apr 18, 2010 13:28:51 GMT -5
That boy needs help. It's hard to be objective now because this is your loved one it has happened to, but at some point it's gonna become clear that he is beyond anger and hatred, there is something very wrong with him. It doesn't mean you're wrong to feel that anger and hatred, because at the end of the day, he has hurt your niece and no matter the reason behind it, you will resent the hell out of that little f*cker. Wow I think your own experience has a silver lining in that you can help someone you love so much. Sex offenders seem to be reading from some crappy tired script... (s)he flirted with me, (s)he wanted it. Being nice is not an invitation. For me, my ex boyfriend was getting tired after 2 weeks of me trying to come to terms with the sex abuse that I'd found out had really actually happened. It was only when I almost screamed his house down and kicked him in the stomach that he stopped. I was crying, my pants were off and I was pinned to the floor, he laughed in my face. He stopped to tell me to shush or the neighbours would wonder what was going on... then he seemed to really take in the scene. Truly scared the crap out of me.
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Post by hellsbells on Apr 18, 2010 14:19:24 GMT -5
I was pinned down to a bed by a 6 ft huge Nigerian, in the house I lived in in Germany when I was 20. The young girl who lived in the house had her 'boyfriend' over while her parents were away. She wasn't German btw, Scottish. Anyway he followed me down to the bedroom in the basement, unbeknownst to me had locked the doors behind him. He started trying to kiss me etc and I tried to fight him off but he was so strong. He mananged to get my trousers off, and then the other girl was outside banging on the window and that was what made him stop. He told me repeatedly that I wanted it. Clearly, as I was desperately trying to fight him off, I didn't. It was a very scary experience. When we finally got rid of him and his mate, the girl was in tears cos he'd tried it on with me and didn't understand that I hadn't encouraged him. And yeah, after it all, he laughed at me.
Even if you get naked into bed with someone you're entitled to change your mind, and NO means NO. What goes through these guys' minds? When a woman is shouting and screaming and pushing a guy off, WHY does he continue to force himself on her? I really don't understand.
Pam you're doing all you can. A lot of people would run a mile from a situation like this, they're lucky to have a friend like you.
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Post by JC on Apr 18, 2010 17:52:43 GMT -5
This is all so sad, reading everyone's stories. I feel bad about it all. My husband works with sex offenders for the Federal Bureau of Prisons. These sick f*cks justify their actions, thinking the girl wanted it etc... It's just sick. I'm glad this guy is caught early so he wont do this to anyone else. Pam, I do think you are being awesome to her and the fact that she feels comfortable talking to you about it makes a huge difference.
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osb
Junior Member
Posts: 72
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Post by osb on Apr 19, 2010 21:44:07 GMT -5
Oohhh, Pam... I just popped onto the board for a look, and now I am just shaking. I don't know what to say.
That was me when I was 17. Was working away from home for a month, this happened in the dorm. I didn't tell my family. Didn't have the words, for one thing; and was afraid I'd see that horror in their eyes every time they looked at me, it would be like facing my private monster over and over again. Took a lot of years for me to reinterpret 'horror' as sympathy...
Few billion years later, though, I am thankful - not for what happened, that would be idiotic - but for the strength of character I learned from living though it. He only wins if I let him; and so he never will. I survive, and by that grace, I am powerful.
Bless you for being so supportive. Your niece needs that even more than she knows right now. She will rebuild herself with your help.
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Post by pamelaj on Apr 20, 2010 6:50:42 GMT -5
My BF and her family are moving May 1st to my old house. YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!! I spoke with my old landlord and said i found them the perfect tennants and he agreed to rent to them. My BF is sooo happy as her daughter cant wait to move(the rape happened in her home).
Its one positive step for them. Thet are stuggling to make their $1400/month rent and now everything with my niece.
They will now only be paying $400/month rent, living in the country where they always wanted to, and my beautiful niece will no longer have to sleep in a room where her innocence was stolen.
The first court date is May 5th and I plan on being there
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Post by Tara on Apr 20, 2010 9:40:18 GMT -5
That is great news, Not only will the financal struggle be less, but a bit of a new start for your neice. It's sometimes the little things that start the healing process. Thanks for the update.
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