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Post by cherry on Jan 13, 2007 8:15:46 GMT -5
It's very sad when you get to that stage ouchy, I've hit the same thing now. My mum had some mystery bleeding just after she left me and my sister (considering she took the washing machine and cooker and knew we didn't have money!) and I saw her at our doctors surgery. She had a hysterectomy a while ago so I was worried, but more annoyed she had left it so long after I had insisted she see the doctor. When I got home I realised how she had manipulated the conversation, to make me feel sorry for her, and had sorta eased my problem out of it so it was focussed on her. She is very weird with me, has always made it clear she didn't like me and has told me she hated me a few times. But she always talked to me when she felt sorry for herself, making me feel sorry for her and essentially training me into thinking she was so hard done by, and after all she has done to me. It makes me so angry when I think about her, and I would be happy not to talk to her again I can promise you. It's her way, make me feel worthless and yet make me feel like I owe her something, I'm so sick of being used to throw her pity parties for the last 20 odd years!
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Post by candice on Jan 13, 2007 11:46:24 GMT -5
I'm sorry. I've only felt that way twice in my life. Once, with my x boyfriend and once with my very best friend fom grade one (not my best friend anymore). You can't help how you feel. Don't beat yourself up over it. At least you feel something. It might be a start, it might not be. I think whatyou did was the right thing to do. You told her what she needed to hear in her time of stress. You were supportive and kind. What more can you really do right?
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Post by cherry on Jan 13, 2007 11:49:25 GMT -5
It's so hard to accept you feel like that about someone at first, but if they've hurt you so much to make you stop feeling for them, it was something that was always coming. As candice said, you're not heartless cos you were there for her still x
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Post by ouchy on Jan 13, 2007 12:30:59 GMT -5
Thanks guys. I really appreciate your comments!
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Post by takecontrol on Jan 13, 2007 13:10:22 GMT -5
Ouchy, I hope your mom is ok, and you are well within your rights (from what I can gather) to still be upset with her. It sounds like youve compartamentailzed your feelings for her, which makes it easier for you to deal with. I did the same thing with all my parents (theyre both remarried) and it took my dad doing something totally unprompted to be able to break that down, its still a fragile relationship, but we're getting somewhere. Maybe let her know your angry(?) with her? She doesnt need to agree but at least she'll know where your coming from? Have you ever told her flat out whats bothering you? -Melissa
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Post by ouchy on Jan 13, 2007 13:21:26 GMT -5
Hi, melissa. I've explained to her many times. She's just too self-centered to see that she has ever done anything bad to me--such as kicking me out of the house at 16...because I put a fork in upside down in the dishwasher (I didn't know which way they went.), which meant I was lazy, and she didn't want a lazy child in her house. She also thinks the beatings and evil things she has done/said to my brothers and me ever happened--she can't figure out why we are lying and making up bad things she has done to us. I really think she needs some serious counseling. One time when I was trying to explain my feelings to her, she told me she didn't like me because when I was two years old, I asked her too many questions and would follow her from room-to-room...but last I checked, that's what babies do when they learn to talk/walk. This just shows that she is not all with it. My brothers think she is getting Alzheimer's like her mother and sister. If this is the case, we're hoping she'll turn in to someone nice. She is just a bitter woman who thinks the whole world 1) revolves around her and 2) is against her. Oh yah. One of the most evil things I ever heard her say didn't involve cuss words. One time at the dinner table, she got in a pissy mood and told my brothers (twins) that she didn't know why she didn't go ahead and have the abortion she had scheduled when she found out she was pregnant with them...my brothers just sat there in their chairs with a very sad look on their faces. I will never forget it. Oh, but THAT never happened, according to her!
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Post by erzulie on Jan 13, 2007 14:29:09 GMT -5
My oldest sister is bipolar so I can understand where you are coming from with all the ups and downs in your relationship. For years my sister had a good psychiatrist and was taking medications that really helped get her disease under control, and she had good relationships with everyone in the family. In the past few years she's had a different doctor who hasn't done as well and she's really been spinning out of control and has sometimes been quite manipulative with her teenage children and with our mother. I like to think that her good side is who she really is and her bad side is what her illness does to her. I do know that there is NEVER any point in telling a person with a mental illness why you are angry with her because she can't reason, I mean she's mentally incapable of rationalizing in any situation so why frustrate yourself by trying? You just have to accept the fact that you're the sane person in the relationship. Her illness is not her fault, but it's not yours either. There's no point in being angry and there's no point in putting up with abusive behavior from her. Just limit your contact with her as much as you need to, and if she does turn out to be terminally ill--now or any time--just use that as your opportunity to forgive her and to understand that she has always loved you on some level even if her illness prevented her from acting like it. Let things end on a good note when the time comes. Until then, whenever she's being friendly, enjoy it while it lasts. Everything you've described sounds very typical of bipolar disorder to me. It's not that she's evil, just that she's ill and has no idea what she's doing. Maybe someday she will find a good shrink who can help her!
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Post by ouchy on Jan 13, 2007 14:52:03 GMT -5
Maybe someday she will find a good shrink who can help her! She's determined NOT to go, since WE are the ones w/ the problems
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Post by erzulie on Jan 13, 2007 15:28:33 GMT -5
Ah yes, when my sister is at her worst she is always convinced everyone else is nuts! She has told people before that my mother has an anxiety problem which is not true, but I guess it makes her feel better somehow!
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Post by irishmuse on Jan 16, 2007 20:04:06 GMT -5
I am manic depressive (bi polar). Not so much manic, more depressive. I always say "if I can take my meds every day, so can everyone else!" Mental health issues run in my family (along with lots of other issues, like endo). My mom has always been really wacko--and highly manipulative. Living away from her makes it easier. She also seems to be more receptive to the fact that I have extreme pain now that hers is lessened thanks to a hip replacement (she basically had no bone left between her hip and knee in one leg, thanks to osteo-arthritis). At least I now get sympathy!
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Post by akcheryl on Jan 17, 2007 13:32:00 GMT -5
It's not really my mom that's so hard to talk to about all this stuff, it's my dad! First, he gets upset if he gets even the slightest hint that I don't tell him absolutely everything about my life, but when I do tell him, he either doesn't listen or yells at me! Yeah, that really makes me want to fill him in on things!
Whenever I talk about endo with my dad and try to explain the mechanisms of what happens, he first says something like "well, I'm sure that's only in the very worst of cases" (even though the things I tell him happen in ALL stages, 1-4, and I have severe (stage 4) endo myself!!!).
And when I say anything about infertility caused by endo, he kind of makes light of it and acts like "oh, my daughter can't be affected by that," which is especially stupid since 1) my mom has severe endo and it took her ten years to get pregnant with me, and 2) the whole way I even found out about my endo is because of infertility (my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for well over a year now)!!!
Also, just in general, when anyone says anything medical-related, my dad has to one-up them. Like, if I say anything about my lap that I had a month and a half ago, he starts talking about whatever surgeries he's had and how his pain must have been worse than mine. It's actually kind of funny, because there's a section in my "Endometriosis for Dummies" book for friends and family members of endo patients, and it specifically says not to do that!
Also, I'm pretty close to my aunt, but she really makes light of any medical problems I have (which I have a lot). I'm in constant pain because of fibromyalgia, endo, chronic sinusitis, migraines, etc. (and I have severe asthma, heart problems, hereditary angioedema, a thyroid condition, etc), but I don't complain to most people. I tend to hide my pain until I'm alone with my husband or best friend. Any time anyone mentions any of my medical problems around my aunt, she changes the subject or tries to talk about my cousin. My cousin is a complete hypochondriac, and I think it's because my aunt eats it up - my aunt will go on and on about how "sick" my cousin is (even though she's not at all!).
For instance, I've had two sinus surgeries in the past year for chronic sinutis and "the worst case of polyps" my surgeon has ever seen, while my cousin complains about sinus problems and keeps going to the ENT who always tells her she's fine (I've seen her CT scan and it's totally clear). My aunt will go on about my cousin's sinus problems, but when my uncle asked how I was doing a few days after my last sinus surgery, my aunt was like "oh, she'll be fine."
I don't even tell my aunt when I'm sick anymore, and I completely hide my pain from her. We aren't even telling her about the IVF (we'll only tell her if she asks about it, since other family members know and they might mention it to her).
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