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Parents
Nov 14, 2007 13:35:26 GMT -5
Post by allisontracie on Nov 14, 2007 13:35:26 GMT -5
I am also a lesbo with endo and I was wondering about anyone elses coming out experiences with their parents. Mine didn't and still isn't going very well. I told my parents 4 years ago and they just aren't having it. I have heard everything from you are going to hell, we are worried about your soul, we still love you but we don't accept nor like your lifestyle, or I just can't compare your relationship with your brothers (he is married to a female). I just bought a house with my girlfriend and my mom came up to visit and stayed with us but it is never acknowledged in my household that my gf and I are more than friends. My mom acts as if she doesn't know. She buys gifts and such for my brothers wife and she gets invited to places but my gf's name is never mentioned and it drives me crazy. I used to be daddy's little girl until he found out.....now we hardly talk and I can just see the pain, stress, and disappointment in his face. It hurts my feelings to see him like that. He thinks I am being "brainwashed" and taken advantage of. My mom told my cousin (who is ok with it all) that at my brothers wedding she took xanax not because my brother was getting married but because she couldn't handle that she was never going to see me get married or my dad walk me down the aisle....well she is right because she won't come to my wedding and not because she won't be welcome. It just seems like no one around me knows what I am going through with the endo or the parents because most of my friends are straight and don't care that I am gay or my gay friends parents are great with the fact they are gay and I know no one else close to me that is suffering with endo. It hurts my feelings even more around the holidays because I go home for a week without my gf and don't get to see her or spend the holidays with her. Most people tell me to just say screw them and cut them out of my life but it really isn't that easy. I don't like hurting people's feelings and my parents do still help me out with money on occasion. It is just hard because I told them so that I wouldn't have to live 2 lives anymore and now I live 2 lives even more than I did before. I moved to NC to distance myself a little and that helps me out for the most part but it still isn't easy by any means.
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Parents
Nov 14, 2007 18:38:55 GMT -5
Post by erzulie on Nov 14, 2007 18:38:55 GMT -5
Wow. Sorry you're having a hard time! I know your experience is pretty common though. When I came out to my mom, she thought I was probably just confused, or that I'd been molested as a child and had never told anyone or worked through it and therefore had an aversion to men. She told me if I did turn out to be gay that she would love me just the same though. We've never really been able to talk about my orientation even since then. I guess it's more me being a chicken because I'm so afraid of going through that talk again about whether I'm just having issues. I've never told my dad. I don't know how to bring it up, and I don't know how he would take it. I'm sure he would adjust eventually, but I kind of thought, maybe i should wait until I have a girl to bring home and introduce. I think the whole thing seems more real to people if you are gay and dating, not gay and single. He'd kind of have to get used to a girl I was dating. My mom, I know, would accept her as a family member, because she's always accepting of people.
Since your parents know and are clearly not dealing, I cna throw out a few suggestions. I don't know which ones are possible for you, but here are the common things people like "Dear Abby" recomend:
1. Find out about your parents' local PFLAG chapter and urge them to attend the support group. Tell them that the group doesn't only consist of people who are accepting of their kids, but also includes parents just like them who are looking for support. Lots of parents have come around by being part of that group, and I think it's probably because the group allows parents to go through stages of acceptance instead of demanding instant acceptance. Plus, tehy'll be able to talk to people who, like them, once detested their children's "lifestyles." 2. Join your own local chapter of PFLAG, so you can talk to parents who have been through what your parents are going through, and see what made them come to accept their kids. 3. Since they seem to have a problem with this largely for religious reasons, hit the bookstore and find books that deal with the topic of religion and homosexuality. There are a lot that break down why the Christian church has a problem with homosexuality, and why they are misinterpreting the Bible. If they are worried for your soul, they would probably be happy to find a reason not to worry. If you can present a good case, they might be convicable. 4. If your brother accepts you, get him to go to bat for you. It's really helped me to have siblings who accept my sexuality. I think my siblings may be the ONLY straight people I know who don't have any homophobia, and maybe it's because they have a gay sister. I guess it helps when the siblings outnumber the parents, but if your parents respect your brother's lifestyle and they know he respects yours, maybe it will help them to respect you more. 5. Try not to let them ignore your girlfriend! They can't get used to her if she's not there! You've got to talk about her the same way your brother talks about his wife. When you leave her behind on the holidays to spend time with them, you're sending your parents--and your girlfriend--the message that she isn't family to you. Relationships have ended over that! I've read about it endless times in lesbian magazines! And, really, how do you think your brother's wife would feel if he left her at home and went to see your parents, in the event that they didn't like her? Maybe if they get to know the girl, they'll come to love her too.
Of course, I don't know your family, so that may have been largely useless advice. I have heard a lot of heartening stories about parents going from insisting their kids are sinners to fully accepting them and their loved ones, so it does happen. As far as I can tell, the only way it happens is by their kids continuing to talk about it and not let it rest. They've just got to learn to face it. It's what I keep telling myself--I need to talk about it more too!
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Parents
Nov 15, 2007 10:20:02 GMT -5
Post by allisontracie on Nov 15, 2007 10:20:02 GMT -5
Thanks for all the advice.....I never told my dad my mom did unfortunately. I am a chicken too. It is hard....I also have straight friends who don't care at all and wonder why I am not as open about it as some people but when your own family who is suppose to love you unconditionally doesn't accept you why should someone you don't even know accept you. But I have found here in NC that I have quite a few friends who don't care and are very accepting. My family can be difficult........I really just need to grow some guts and talk about it more and bring my gf around at the holidays and such. Although, she is also uncomfortable around my family because she knows the way they feel. I am working on easing it in....but my parents also live in Alabama so taking my gf there is hard because I feel like everyone there is judging her b/c that is my experience and she "looks gay" and I don't whatever that means.....I have a hard time with worrying about what other people think as well so that is part of my problem. A lot of people just think she is a boy but I don't want to take her to Alabama us go out to eat with my parents and someone call her sir or she can't go to the bathroom in public or something because that is embarassing enough let alone with my parents.
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Parents
Nov 15, 2007 17:29:04 GMT -5
Post by erzulie on Nov 15, 2007 17:29:04 GMT -5
The guts thing is the hardest. I know I need more guts, because my mom would probably be more accepting and understanding if I just talked about it more--she isn't the sort of person who gets stuck in their ways and never learns. And maybe I SHOULD tell my dad now. When I first came out, I felt like I had to tell everyone right away, then my brother-in-law gave me a piece of advice that he got from a lesbian co-worker, which is that when people are ready to know, they'll ask. It made sense at the time because my brother had asked me if I was a lesbian and I told him yes and he was fine with it. I was so nervous about him finding out because he had been really homophobic, but the second I admitted I was gay, he seemed to get over it and started yelling at people whenever he heard them say "that's so gay" as an insult. It was a bizarre fast turnaround, but he was 13 at the time. But when I brought the subject up to my mom, she had trouble accepting it, so I thought maybe waiting for people to ask was a good idea. But I kept waiting and waiting, and my dad hasn't asked. It seriously should be pretty obvious too, so I'm starting to think he doesn't WANT to believe it. I don't know why not, he never wanted me to get a boyfriend or anything. He always joked about how he was going to send me to a convent rather than let me get married, but at the same time, I think he actually wants to be able to give me away at a wedding. Well, if that's the problem I'll just have to tell him he still can. When I'm ready to get married, I'm going to do it whether it's legal or not!
I guess the only thing you can really do is give your parents more time around your girlfriend. I know it's got to be wildly uncomfortable for both of you, but if you focus on getting them to see why you love her so much, maybe they'll slowly start to understand. A lot of parents can't imagine their children being happy if they're gay. For some reason, they just see same-sex relationships as being less fulfilling. If they can actually see you being happy, it might help. I think most parents really do just want their kids to be happy, but the problem is that they all have their own visions of what makes people happy (usually consisting of everything that ha smade them happy, plus what they always wanted but couldn't have) and they don't get that there's more than one way to be happy.
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