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Post by lizzylou on Sept 8, 2010 20:21:53 GMT -5
I'll try to make this as short as possible, hang with me, there's a lot of backstory to understand the current issue.
I don't talk to most of my family, they took my abusive/addict ex's side in the divorce because I hid the truth from everyone during the marriage. why did I? I have no idea, why does any abuse victim hide the truth? Anyway, they didn't believe me so they took his side, and still do.
My sister and I used to be close, but in the last year we hardly talk. When my brother got married (to my best friend) I was asked to be the MOH and was kicked out (due to the divorce) and told I wasn't even wanted at the wedding but I better show up so people don't make their day about me. Then i find out they were calling me a s**t and telling everyone I was going to get pregnant because I was sleeping around (totally untrue) I went to the wedding, I wasn't very happy about it, but I honored their wishes. Well...they saw that I wasn't excited to be there and made a huge deal about how I ruined their wedding because I should have been genuinely happy for them and i couldn't put my feelings aside for them. All the drama was literally days before the wedding. My sister agrees with him that I ruined his wedding, and it caused a rift.
Recently I had an argument with my ex (I think I posted about it) because during his weekends he never has our son, and I wanted him to be with me instead of passing him off to everyone else. It was ONLY because I wanted to spend as much time with my son as possible. Not trying to take time away from my ex, it's ONLY the times he sends my son somewhere overnight so he goes out to the bars (which is almost every night he has him) My ex tells me, him and I don't have the right to decide where my son goes. HUH???
I tried reaching out to my sister today and we e-mailed a few times and this was brought up, and I told her the story and she tells that my ex is right, basically other people (my parents, siblings, cousins, etc) have a right to see my son and I don't have the right to see him before they do. And my ex is being "generous" with his alloted time with my son by allowing other people to have him during his time.
WTF.... There was a time when I actually believed in family and people are supporting each other. UGH...I hate my family.
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Post by lizzylou on Sept 8, 2010 21:34:09 GMT -5
Sorry, I put this under the emotional support because I've kind of just needed some support because I'm really beat down about this now.
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Post by Karen on Sept 8, 2010 21:44:57 GMT -5
Yup, I get it, but that's more for support due to endo, that's all. No worries!
Don't know what to say other than I hope you're able to resolve things soon!
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Post by JC on Sept 9, 2010 11:34:32 GMT -5
First of all, I understand why you keep abuse a secret. I've been in that situation and when you tell friends about it they give you the whole, "leave his ass" comment and basically don't want to hear anything else. Then when you don't leave you end up looking like a dumbass in the end. It's not fun. Being in an abusive relationship can NOT be understood by anyone other than someone who's been in one themselves. It's not rational, it's not logical, and it's unreasonable. I don't blame you one bit for keeping it to yourself and I think the fact that people don't want to support you is just sad.
On a side note, so what if you were sleeping around? You're single, it's your vag you can do whatever the hell you want with it. People need to stop making it their business ESPECIALLY since it's not true.
About your son. That's a tough one. Is he at least leaving him with someone trustworthy? I can see why people defend him because it seems like it gives them more time with your son. BUT, you see the side of the neglectful father tossing him around which is more bothersome to you than these other people. That's a tough situation...
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Post by lizzylou on Sept 9, 2010 19:32:15 GMT -5
If him and I were together, I would have my son every single weekend. I had him every day (with the occasional sleepover with grandparents or aunt & uncles). The ONLY reason why i don't have him every other weekend is because I have to no share my time with him so my ex can see him. I get it, I respect that fact. However, if he doesn't want him, why should I have to give up my time? Thats what frustrates me.
Thanks for the understanding and support on the other issues though.
I agree with the sleeping around thing. The last 3 years of my marriage we had sex less than 5 times. The guy constantly told me how gross I was, and blah blah blah, anyway.... I finally had some guy I was SUPER sexually attracted to (thinks Sunshine and her Latin Lover), and he wanted me as much as he could get me AND he actually knew what in the hell he was doing. haha, no I wasn't sleeping around however my lady parts had been in deep hibernation for a long time and got an amazing jumpstart!
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Post by cherry on Sept 10, 2010 4:02:43 GMT -5
Lizzylou I couldn't agree more with everything Jenaya has said. The abusive relationship... oh being made to feel disgusting is something I can relate to so well, as well as the fact that you're not believed about the absolute shower of sh8t you took from your ex. You have the relationship you've always deserved and whilst your son doesn't have the father he should have, he has a lovely family at home and an extended family who are happy to have him. I look back at my own time as a child of divorced parents and whilst it wasn't the same situation, I have such a huge amount of love and respect for my aunt - my dad's sister - who was more than happy to have me at her house and fatten me up and love me whilst I had an apathetic spineless dad who couldn't look me in the eye, and a mother who openly resented me back home. She literally blotted out the bad stuff during the time I spent at her house. I hope that's what your son will remember, that rather than focus on his dad being absent, he'll remember that he was always spending his weekends with people who love him and cherish his presence. Try to see it that way. I'm the black sheep of my family in that I am rather uncompromising in wanting answers and wanting to be my own person (culture clashes and the usual family skeletons) but I swear to love them always. At least they respect these things about me. The way your family have been with you... that would drive me crazy. It's really mean  just focus on the good. I suppose a family isn't a family without someone talking unfounded crap  unfortunately they seem blind to your ex's crappy parenting but it won't last forever. Stay strong  |
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Post by lizzylou on Sept 10, 2010 7:48:16 GMT -5
I just saw this RIDICULOUS back and forth message on facebook.
my brother is upset be didn't get a save the date for my wedding (which we haven't sent out) and he said he's going to attend even if he doesn't get an invite. When you do nothing but talk trash about me to everyone, why would you even expect to get an invite? And if unwanted people show up, they will be removed. They don't wish me well, why would they want to come?
They said I'm a horrible person for keeping my son from his family. I've never once EVER been asked to see him, EVER. So I'm hardly keeping him from anyone
My sister said I'm insane. And that I'm demanding constant unwavering support from everyone in my life and disowning anyone who doesn't give me that. Which isn't true. I've never gotten a lick of support from anyone in my family unless i wholeheartedly agree with everything they say. And I'm disowning the people in my family who constantly hurt me over and over. The way I look at it, it's not healthy. They are constantly hurting me and talking about me, it's a cycle of abuse in a different way. Why am I going to keep allowing myself to be hurt over and over? I need to cut myself off from them to protect my heart from it all. Is that really such a wrong thing to do?
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Post by pretty on Sept 10, 2010 12:19:33 GMT -5
Liz -
He's your son. He's yours. F8ck that selfish bast$rd, fu)k your selfish sister and her selfish boyfriend/husband, and F5CK the Midwest: Never more intricate bullsh*t was ever seen nor heard than in this family ridden giant gossip pit called Wisconsin. Let me guess, lots of family members, lots of backstabbing, lots of back and forth over other people's business, lots of getting involved in other people's personal private lives.
You have to blow all this crap off, and
1. take care of your boy, he's yours.
2. Be a good wife and mother.
3. Take good care of yourself INCLUDING your heart and soul
4. Tell your nosy, meddling family to keep thier opinions off of F8Cking Facebook or you are all making each other look like a$$holes. seriously.
Why shouldn't you demand constant unwavering support from those you love? Shouldn't we all demand that? I do. And I give it in return. You should distance yourself, place less importance on your ex and his weekend escapades, UNLESS YOUR SON IS BEING HARMED by them. Otherwise, blow the whole mess of them off, gracefully and with your excellent sense of humor intact, and just be good to yourself and your son and your man. You have a great family right there, you see!
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Post by Karen on Sept 11, 2010 7:18:52 GMT -5
Ha ha, Pretty, I forget you've spent time in Wisconsin! You get it!!
I always have to remind myself of this: I cannot control what others do, say, or how they treat me. BUT, I can control how I react to them, and I can control how active they are in my life.
Moms are supposed to love unconditionally. Mine does not because I don't believe in her god. After years and years of struggling to try to get her to understand me, to love me for who I am, I stopped trying. She calls every few months and we have limits on how long we talk, and I see her once a year (begrudgingly) and that's it. She doesn't get to be involved in my life in any bigger way because it just isn't worth the constant struggle. It makes my life SO much easier. My therapist and I have spent a good amount of time discussing this and not once has she tried to convince me there's a better approach because at the end of the day, we're always going to butt heads. It's made me feel much more at peace with it and not get as worked up about it.
Just because they are family doesn't mean they get to treat you in a way that you don't want to be treated. It sounds like this is really weighing on you and has for some time. I would really encourage you to seek professional help if you haven't already. I know some people take offense to that because people that haven't been to therapy before often think that implies you're crazy, and that's not what I'm saying AT ALL. But, therapy can help you find ways to cope with what's happening, give you some ways to put it all into perspective, and help you find some sort of calm with your crazy family. At the end of the day, you can't control a thing they say or do, no matter how crappy it is. But you can get control over how you let them make you feel!
Good luck.
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Post by lizzylou on Sept 11, 2010 10:03:06 GMT -5
I've got a whole list of issues that therapy would probably help (i've had a pretty tramatic life so far), although I'm sure I can't afford therapy! Isn't it super pricey?
I've decided I had to heal. I have to learn and find some way to move forward and really not be effected by their lies. The worst part I'm finding is they are talking LIES and it frustrates me that I can't defend myself against the lies without getting in the middle of the drama. So instead, i stay right on the outside of the drama and just get hurt without letting them know it effects me. I have to learn to cope so it won't actually hurt me.
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Post by Karen on Sept 11, 2010 10:20:04 GMT -5
I was very anti-therapy for YEARS, but when I was feeling my worst when endo kicked in, well, I felt like I didn't have any other choice but to finally deal with it all, and it's been such a relief. I still go and find it's good to help maintain some calm in my life, and I LOVE my therapist!
Anyway, as for cost, my first insurance company paid all but 10%, so I was paying $14 per visit, and my new insurance company pays for all of it, up to 20 visits a year! So, yeah, see if your insurance will pick up some or part of the tab! Oh, and if they don't, consider it a very, very good investment in yourself. Some things are just worth directing some funds to as it'll only improve your well being!
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Post by lizzylou on Sept 11, 2010 10:54:32 GMT -5
hmmm...i didn't know insurance paid for it. i'll check!
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Post by JC on Sept 12, 2010 14:46:15 GMT -5
Therapy is awesome. I felt weird about it for a long time too. I felt like if I needed therapy then I was being weak or I was officially crazy. But when life got to be too much to handle, I finally decided that trying to do things alone wasn't working anymore. Sometimes just saying things out loud help you find solutions. Usually you have all the tools to answer a problem, it just takes someone more skilled to put it together for you.
I did 6 sessions at the counseling center at my university. With my insurance, it had to be pre-approved and the co-payment is $20. They'll usually pre-approve like 20 sessions and if you want more, you'd have to request more. That's what my husband and I are doing with out marriage counseling.
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Post by pretty on Sept 12, 2010 16:07:48 GMT -5
Yeah, I personally loved being in therapy, back when I was on anti-depressants... I would go now but unfortunately I work in Mental Health! so inevitably my therapist would be someone I work with! Liz I'm sorry if I was too harsh, I'm so judgemental really I shouldn't have been so blunt. I know it aint' easy, and it's way easier to give advice than apply it ... anyhow good luck, wishing you well hon hugs
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Post by lizzylou on Sept 12, 2010 20:33:17 GMT -5
oh heck no pretty, you hit it right on the head. Well, at least the way I took it was that you were being supportive of me  The way they are being must be a WI thing, everyone seems to think it's normal to act like they are, and I just don't get it. I'm pretty blunt too, I don't have the energy anymore to beat around the bush and sugar coat things, it's easier just to say it like it is. And SOMETIMES the truth hurts, and just because it sucks to hear doesn't mean that's not exactly what we need to hear. As of right now, I actually feel pretty good about things. It's weird, I've been saying for a while "this is the last time", and honestly I think this was. I was really upset and hurt at first, but after a few days of thinking about it and talking it over with my fiance, a surrogate mom, and a great friend, I really feel much better. I feel like I've got this strong resolve, and I'm doing the right thing. Now the only thing I have to worry about it if these unwanted people actually show up at my wedding. I can say, even though I feel less hurt about the lies they say, I don't want them at my wedding and that would ruin the occasion for me. I don't want to be thinking about the elephant in the room while I'm reciting my vows. |
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just focus on the good. I suppose a family isn't a family without someone talking unfounded crap 
unfortunately they seem blind to your ex's crappy parenting but it won't last forever. Stay strong 
The way they are being must be a WI thing, everyone seems to think it's normal to act like they are, and I just don't get it. I'm pretty blunt too, I don't have the energy anymore to beat around the bush and sugar coat things, it's easier just to say it like it is. And SOMETIMES the truth hurts, and just because it sucks to hear doesn't mean that's not exactly what we need to hear.