MAD MAD MAD

[sarjenka]

I struggle with the balance between not wanting to complain to my friends everytime i see them and they ask me how i am, and wanting them to understand that i am ill, in constant pain and can't always do everything that i should be able to do. I don't want to exasperate my friends by complaining all the time. I start to sound like a real downer when i tell them how i feel everyday. But some days i can't just can't put on a fake smile and say "i'm fine thanks" through gritted teeth. Some days i feel like exploding and telling them everythink i'm going through...pain, constipation, bleeding, bloating, fatigue and the whole nine yards. But, i think that would be a bit much

[ccincurak]

So yeah...it definitely looks like I've lost that "best friend" of mine. It really hurts and I don't know what to do but I can't MAKE someone try to understand what I'm going through. People need to learn what empathy means. That's all.

[hellsbells]

It might work itself out. I'm meeting up with a friend tomorrow night who I think is frustrated that I'm not the party animal I was a couple of years ago. I'm going to try and explain to her that just cos I had the lap and some treatment doesn't mean I'm 'fixed'. I never will be. Now that I feel a bit better I think she expects me to go back to wanting to go out all the time. I feel better because I don't go out all the time, and in order to stay feeling better, I need to look after myself. Hears hoping I can get through to her!

[ccincurak]

I'm giving her another shot....trying to make amends and I sent her a message saying I wanted to get together this week so we'll see if she responds. So far I've left her 2 emails (on Monday) and no response at all.
It really made me cry tonight, thinking that I could lose a friend that quickly...especially when I really need her the most right now.

[hellsbells]

You can't control other people's behaviour. Throughout my whole life I've struggled to get my head around the idea that people can be mean and uncaring for no particular reason. So I try and focus on the fact that I'm a decent person, and anyone who can be unkind isn't worth having around. It's hard, but you've got to put yourself and your own standards first.

[desertflower]

I know how you feel. I ended up losing all my friends because I don't go out much and even my mom doesn't seem to get it.

I usually just feel bad and guilty for not doing more.

[cherry]

Completely agree with Helen, I've always felt like this but have recently felt a big surge of the old 'be yourself, look after yourself, but be kind' sentiment since I broke up with someone who in hindsight could sometimes be extremely unkind about my illness. I feel now like, I tell someone I can't do something because I don't feel able, and if they don't care/believe/have the patience then you let them go their own way whilst you work out how to get around the obstacles that endo puts in front of you. I used to be like 'oh fine, fockem' but now I'm just more likely to say 'okay' with no resentment or fight, just a simple resignation. Making peace with yourself because you can't do something is a huge step because otherwise guilt, regret and resentment take a huge chunk of the energy that you need for yourself.
I get that people can get a little bogged down if you complain a lot, but all you want is for them to understand that your day to day living isn't always easy, and to give you a little leeway when you ask for it. There are some days where a little thing is pulling you down and you don't have the mental energy to smile through it, and there are some days where you push through and make others happy even when you have to go to the loo for a cry because you feel so crappy. People who are close enough to understand you on that level should love you enough to let it slide.

[hellsbells]

There's a guy at work who's really sweet and we get on well, and I can talk to him easily. He knows all about the rough ride I've had the last year and has been genuinely sympathetic. When he calls me to talk about work stuff he always asks how I am, and he's asking for genuine reasons, but there are days when I can't face the question so I ignore it and ask him what he's after. We were sat at his desk today and I explained that a) I get a bit sick of talking about how crappy I feel b) He doesn't REALLY want to know, and c) I can't lie and say I'm fine when I'm not, so I ignore the question. He totally understood and he said when he asks he genuinely does want to know, but we laughingly agreed that on bad days a grunt will suffice as an answer. There are many rare gems around us, and we should focus on beign around these people rather than than the feckers that drain even more of our precious energy.

[cherry]

Totally agree. Whenever I'm having a bad day, I keep in mind that I've had so so many people come through for me in the last few weeks(including you lovely lot who are there for everything!). They weren't necessarily able to show this support when I was ill but that's another thing and I'm not bogging myself down with the idea that they couldn't approach me at a time when I was grumpy and not easy to identify with. Illness makes a lot of people uncomfortable.
I've slowly made friends with a girl at work and this past weekend we realised we understand each other about pain as she has PCOS that gives her a lot of discomfort. So even though my pain is endo, she gets that sometimes you just want to grit your teeth and not talk about how you feel physically. It's the first time I've met someone who just gets that about me. It's great and even more so because its so rare.
I won't take it for granted though, I've learned that for me at least, the less said about endo, the better!

[ccincurak]

It is really hard to not feel guilty or angry when you can't do something and ppl get angry at you...and you keep trying to explain it to them but then for some reason end up feeling angrier at yourself for not being able to do what you used to. I need to find a way to make peace with it for myself and instead, concentrate on the people that are understanding of what I go through and love me anyways
So still haven't had a response on any of the emails (except any excuse email to my boyfriend about how she's really busy....so busy but yet can email him but not me?! that doesn't make any sense to me!) so I'm honestly moving on. I'm not about to start begging insensitive people to TRY to understand what I'm going through. I put myself out there enough to try to make myself available and apologized for times that I wasn't able to hang out or go drinking or whatever but I'm done apologizing. In fact, since this particular girl is studying to be a nurse, if she can't empathize, then I think she may be in the wrong field (just my opinion in my anger). I'm moving onward and upward and just thankful that I have very very understanding grandparents that I now live with, a great boyfriend (who is my personal hero) and a handful of great girlfriends that never ever make me feel guilty for what I'm going through, including my bestest friend...my sister and of course, you ladies for being a HUGE support system through everything!~