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Post by cherry on Mar 23, 2010 16:25:00 GMT -5
With myself.
Don't get me wrong I'm not asking for sympathy (I have used up my sympathy tokens with all the complaining I do on here haha) but I have just finished once and for all, my relationship of 5 years. The bottom line of it is that he has been a bully for the majority of that time and I realised that with my counselling starting this week (I need help getting over childhood trauma so I can move on) I need to be on my own to get better.
The thing is I'm horribly sensitive to things now. Banter with work mates that would normally have made me laugh now has me on the verge of tears in some cases. His sisters removed me from their facebook and I was stupidly bothered by it.
I have done so much, or at least progressed so much in the last 6 months to come away my depression which had me suicidal at one point. But I feel so down and easily upset now that I'm terrified that I will backslide. I really wish I was healthier than this. I have cried every night even though I wanted it over and I was supposed to be benefiting so much from being on my own. I really don't understand myself sometimes. I need a slap please somebody!
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Post by hellsbells on Mar 23, 2010 16:52:07 GMT -5
I don't think you need a slap Cherry! I actually think you're being too hard on yourself. Who says you have to bounce straight back? Like I said at the weekend, just because you know ending this relationship is the right thing to do, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It's painful, other people are involved (if his cysters are (yeah that was deliberate) that petty - would you ever want them as in-laws?) and your life is changing. I'd be bothered my what they did, it's just mean and you don't deserve it, you're well better off without that family!
The end of a relationship causes grief, regardless of how unhealthy the relationship was. There's nothing wrong with feeling a bit sensitive and teary. I'm a complete basket case for weeks/months after a big relationship ends (and most have mine have been pretty unhealthy!). But here's the thing - any kind of grief starts to heal and get better given time, and good people in your life. So no, you won't backslide, unless you put too much pressure on yourself to get over this too quickly. Cry, rant, shout, scream, bitch - get it all out, to us or whomever, but don't deal with it alone. And here's a promise - if it gets too much I'll either pay for your train ticket up here for a weekend, or I'll drive down there. You also need to look after yourself as best you can with your diet - eating crap won't help your depression. I swear, oily fish makes your mood so much better!
Your mantra: 'I am woman, I am strong'. You're amazing, what you're going through is awful, but you do need to go through it to come out stronger on the other side. Big hugz xxx
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Post by Karen on Mar 23, 2010 18:58:05 GMT -5
Hey, dearie, first off, as crappy as you feel at the moment, don't forget to give yourself a pat on the back for being so brave as to walk away from it! Yes, it sucks, yes, you might lose some people in your life because of it, but in the end, you'll get SO much more of yourself back in the end!
Give yourself all the permission in the world to feel crappy about. You spent 5 years with this person and I think I'd be more worried about you if you DIDN'T feel this way! Of COURSE you're going to cry and be upset, and of COURSE you're going to feel super sensitive for a while. You're human and sometimes being human is hard!
But, think about all the self-reflection you've done, think of how far you've come to get yourself to this point. Grieving the end of a relationship is one thing, and slipping back into deep depression is another. They are different, so don't beat yourself up thinking that one will cause the other. I have no doubt, especially with the help of a counselor (good for you, by the way!), that you'll learn some really cool things about yourself through this break-up process. Let yourself feel all these feelings now, cope with them now, so that later on, they won't have quite the handle on you.
A few of the girls know about my Power Thought Cards - it's a deck of really beautiful and bright affirmations. I used to think they were kind of hokey, but now I'm convinced that whenever I go into the deck to pick a card, I'll get the perfect one for the moment. I pulled one out for you and it reads "There is no blame. I release the need to blame anyone, including myself. We are all doing the best we can with the understanding, knowledge, and awareness we have."
Big hugs!
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Post by Karen on Mar 23, 2010 18:58:50 GMT -5
Oh, and IF/WHEN you're up for it, let's have details, girl! How did it go? How'd he react?  |
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Post by cherry on Mar 25, 2010 8:01:22 GMT -5
I love your card, that is amazingly pertinent! I have felt in the last few days that the anger has sort of left me, and realised that way, about all the resentment I was carrying around which was such a huge part of my mindset. I just feel so much lighter because I can think of things with love and acceptance and optimism. I find it hard to talk about my feelings completely honestly because life has taught me so much that I need to just brush it off and get on with things, so my only real honest thoughts come out on this board with you girls. I am so grateful for all the support I've received from you lovely 2 and a couple of other members, and the patience when I was stopping and starting and kept going back to him. You've been really great you guys and I couldn't have done it without your support and encouragement. Love you so much! Helen I have let go a bit with my need to control my feelings and I feel better because I'm not ruling my feelings with the expectation that I should be 'okay'. I've been waking up fresh after a healthy amount of sleep (not oversleeping like I was in a coma as I was this time last week) and eating well because I have my appetite back and the keenness to eat good food. You'd be so proud haha! With the releasing blame thing in mind, I know he could be wonderful and make someone really happy. A small part of me wants to run back and be the girl who he does that for, but I know it won't be the case. We're not good together. We both need some help and to just float off into the sunset... separately  I'm a much nicer person without him. I love him dearly but there's a point where that means letting go... I finally understand those old sayings. |
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Post by cherry on Mar 25, 2010 8:45:43 GMT -5
Jagged Little Pill is THE album!
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Post by Karen on Mar 25, 2010 17:04:51 GMT -5
Wow, Cherry, such good, insightful things you're thinking! Sounds like you're in a good place at the moment, but don't be alarmed or beat yourself up if you fall a bit into the 'other side' of the feelings for a bit every now and again. Can't wait to get to know the 'new' Cherry! |
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Post by hellsbells on Mar 25, 2010 17:15:03 GMT -5
Wow you're AWESOME!! BRILLIANT!! INSPIRING! Yeah, yeah...I may have had a teeny drink of champagne after a LONG day at work. But I am proud of you, and we love you too. Karen, I hope you're jealous that live less than 200 miles away and can go meet this AWESOME woman soon!
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Post by Karen on Mar 25, 2010 18:22:57 GMT -5
Uh, yeah, I AM jealous!
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Post by sunshine78 on Mar 25, 2010 23:26:03 GMT -5
Cherry:
I am very proud of you for what I liken to amputating a gangrenous limb to save yourself. The good thing about emotional limbs is that they either regenerate, or they don't, but the ghost pains in the missing limb remind you that you can get through anything. Usually, though, another limb grows somewhere else, and it kicks WAY more ass than the one you cut off ever did.
I've been through this. It may take you days, months, and in my case, YEARS, to get to a place where you're feeling like you've healed, even just a little. But that little bit of healing is worth the world. No matter how bad you feel now, just remember that you can be alone and miserable, and able to do something about it, or you can be with the dying limb that will poison the rest of you, which is way, way worse.
Sending you hugs, and remember, we're here for you, honey.
<3, sunshine
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Post by desertflower on Mar 25, 2010 23:51:47 GMT -5
I think it's a good thing you left if he was bullying you, you'll be much happier later on.
I don't really have much advice for anything like this but you don't have to be so hard on yourself.
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Post by cherry on Mar 29, 2010 14:11:55 GMT -5
Thank you so much girls!
He came and got the last of his stuff yesterday, asked if we could check in in a couple of months time. I said no, for the clean break. I love him so much it hurts but then again, I love him so much and it hurts.
I went for a night out with some old work pals and it ended up being just the girls, it was so fun. When I was with him I felt that I had to watch what I said and did. But on Saturday I had a ball, got a few looks and offers of a drink but I just brushed it all off and had a grand old time with my lovely ladies. Apparently I tried to lick a window, the cab we were in turned a corner, I slid off my seat and then hid on the floor because I thought the police would get me?!
I can't help but think of him and it makes me so sad and leaves me feeling solitary, but I just let myself have those 5 minutes then force myself to do something else. This is hard when I can't sleep though. He was deadly serious about the being the boyfriend I had wanted and deserved, but I'd always be waiting for him to revert to type. And he would, that's the sad fact.
I just live my moments with him being angry and expecting the next hit.
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Post by pamelaj on Mar 29, 2010 15:42:13 GMT -5
Cherry;
Im so glad you're doing better and my biggest apoligies for not posting sooner but you're post had really hit a soft spot in my heart.
Ive lived the road you're currently travelling and I agree with Sunshine, it may take months, or again, in my case, years. Its a road well worth travelling and you will see that the end of your path takes you on to a much better destination.
Live it, cry with it, love it. There will be nothing but smiles to follow.
HUGSxxx
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Post by hellsbells on Mar 31, 2010 13:51:01 GMT -5
You'll be stronger for it xx
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Post by cherry on Apr 2, 2010 16:10:53 GMT -5
Thanks girls. Your input means a lot because you have lived and learned it and can mean it when you say things will look better soon.
I think that besides him being gone and leaving me with tons more time to myself/less time stressing over things he has said or will say, I miss his family. The night I talked to him about ending it, he was really upset, then went home and his sister saw him in a state, his mother then came in and ended up crying too. I really had a connection with his mother and though she knew no details, she understood me cos she sensed that there was so much going on behind the scenes with me. She had even been the one to point out to him that I was depressed before I even worked up the courage to tell him that I wasn't alright. But he hasn't told his family why I broke it off, says he refuses to discuss it. So he goes home so upset that he makes his mother cry and won't tell her why... even if she knows that he's a d*ck, she won't be feeling any love for me now. I can't help being sad that the last impression they have of me is my being distant and cold and then of me breaking their boy's heart. I hate that they'd think badly of me but if that's the case then I'm better off eh.
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