Sad today

[miriam]

Hey,

Not really a rant just a sad day.

Said goodbye to my Dad yesterday for the last time before he leaves for Ohio to go to Uni and live with the woman who he met and had an affair with.

My family; Mum, me and my brother, are from north east Scotland. My parents have lived in the same house for the past 30 years. Its a lovely little cottage surrounded by woods with a big garden, with years of work put into it, mostly bits and pieces built by my Dad. There are many happy memories from my childhood.

I'm not posting to talk about the fact that my Dad's been a real s*d, more just to say its sad when a chapter of your life ends like this. I'm grateful that I had a good childhood as some people do not get that, but I feel almost like he's died, because he'll never be able to come back to the house again, that's it for good. When we said bye, we hugged and cried and I felt like I didn't ever want to let go. I've not been that expressive with him since I was a kid. It took me by surprise, It was powerful and I felt like a kid again. He said what he is doing is a kind of madness and he doesn't know how he'll cope being away from the house as its so beautiful really.

Its just sad, just wanted to share this as its wierd feeling this kind of grief I'm sure I'll be better soon. Has anyone else's parents split up when they were an adult?

[miriam]

I keep bursting into tears randomly, like today on the subway! I just feel like my Dad is the only person who can really comfort me when I feel vulnerable, yet I know that's probably not really true, its just instinctive!

[ouchy]

Sorry. My parents got divorced when I was 3-months-old. They were married for 5-yrs before I was born.

I imagine that it is a lot more difficult to have your parents get divorced when you're older.

Sorry you have to go through this. Sorry for your mom, too.

[ouchy]

How is your mom taking it?

[Karen]

Oh, kiddo, sending you hugs! I won't pretend to know what you're going through, but I know how hard it was for me when my dad and his girlfriend/fiance of 15 years split up when I was in my 20s. She and I were very close and my dad shared with me that when they broke up, she told him that she'd really miss me. That was tough. I only saw her twice since then but I still think of her lots! (My parents divorced when I was in middle school, too, but that was different and made complete sense to me...)

Although he's far away and a big chapter of your life has closed, I hope you're able to keep in touch with him and that your relationship will continue to grow despite the distance!

[omaklackey]

I totally understand what you mean "but I feel almost like he's died, because he'll never be able to come back to the house again, that's it for good." My dad still calls but two years ago my mom had to leave him. I refuse to go back to the house. We have only had three visits for about an hour since it happened since we live far away. It really sucks when our 'dad's' choose to be 'd*ck heads. I really feel for you and understand how what its like. BIG HUGS!!

[Amanda]

My parents divorced when I was 12. Although she has never admitted it, I'm fairly certain my mother was having an affair. Without getting in to too much detail, my mother is a horrible person and I left her house to move in with my dad when I was 15. The last time I saw or spoke to her was at my wedding, 3 years ago.

I know what its like to have a parent screw up your life and theirs and it's almost like she has died. She is not a part of my life, nor do I want her to be. I wish it wasn't like that but she's made her choices and now she's living with them.

I don't know your whole situation Miriam, but I hope that you can maintain some sort of relationship with your father, if you want to.

[cass]

awww hugs! i know how you feel. My mum left us when i was in my final year og high school. She had an affair my dad had a brekadown and she left. I still remember the removal trucks coming to take all her stuff. I stayed with my dad and my sister and my dad went crazy as he coudlnt deal with it. I used to come home and make sure he was still alive. My sister went and lived with my mum not long after and i would only see her at school. Then later that year my dad left to go live with his partner and i said goodbye to him and i moved out on my own.

I fel neglected for a long time after that, and i went through numerous phases. but regardless lifes too short to hold grudges, i know they made some bad choices, we arent extrememly close but i call and make efforts to see them.

Hugs, i hope you feel better soon x

[miriam]

Thanks ladies, you are all so kind!

Its sad how many people are affected by divorce and spearation of their parents at whatever age! People carry the wieght of it for a very long time and I'm sorry to hear that some people have felt that their needs have been so neglected as kids and young adults!

I feel a lot better today. I think sometimes its better to get it out of your system. Only problem is, physically I feel like s**t and my eyes are swollen, so I'm about to do the cucumber on eyes trick! I've done my crying thing and hopefully now I can just focus on the pragmatic 'its for the best' stuff.

Ouchy - my Mum is a trooper, she worked right through my life and was the main breadwinner (might have ultimately have had something to do with the marriage breakdown as my Dad never had a career that he found fulfilling though he is very intelligent (though not emotionally !!)). My Mum is very pragmatic and matter of fact about it all, although she is not looking forward to him leaving over the next week or two. Myself and my brother will be on holiday so she wil have time on her own. In some ways this may not be a bad thing as if the goodbye affects her as much as it did me, she will need a bit of time on her own just to be upset and not worry about worrying anyone else too much. I'll go and see her right after I get back. She's in New York at the moment with her 'friend' Allan. She still would've chosen my Dad but she's happy she's got somebody solid, caring and companionable in her life now too. Another factor in all this is that my brother has got high functioning autism (kinda like Asperger's Syndrome) so his wellbeing is a big consideration.

Thanks for your comments! ((Hugs)) to you all too!

[JC]

aww I'm so sorry. This must be so hard. My parents divorced when I was 11, but being an adult and seeing your parents divorce seems harder. I feel bad.
I really think things will get better for you over time. Change is never easy but time seems to mend it. It's going to be really hard for a while. I'm sending you a virtual hug!!

[ouchy]

My bro has Asperger's, too!

[JC]

wait, so does my brother!

[ouchy]

Endo Resolved: The New Aspie Hangout. LOL

[miriam]

Woah! Maybe there is a genetic link between endo and Asperger's.

I can be a bit OCD at times, used to insist on wearing 3 pairs of pants (knickers) in the same order when I was 11 years old! I reckon I've got a very slight streak of it in there somewhere too.

Anyway what are your brothers up to? Mines' a lovely bloke, struggles with time keeping, organisation and he is so unassertive at times he is almost horizontal, until he gets angry! He works in an oil rig flooring production company. He still lives at home. He's 21. No plans to move out yet. My Mum feels she knows him best and in some ways is quite protective, though he goes out and does what he likes - its more to do with the view of what is possible for him and how to achieve that. No girflriend. He could do with a close friend or 2 but as he's just a bit odd,people can't quite work him out - it's been hard for him at times.

[JC]

My brother is 13 years old. His autism was severe when he was little was put on a special diet and he did very well on it. Now he's considered aspergers. He's getting A's and B's in school and is really into Tae Kwon do. He only has a few friends too because he's little difficult to understand. He has a heart of gold and nobody can do wrong in his eyes. He's so loving and forgiving. He's had a really hard life, his father (my step dad) died when he was very small, then he went through some horrible times with a pervert (wont go into detail but if you can think it, it happened to him). We've nicknamed him random Brandon because he says the most random and funny things! He's a wonderful kid. I have high hopes for him.