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Post by cherry on Apr 15, 2007 3:24:03 GMT -5
My thoughts exactly kb It's 10 times harder to be in a bad relationship than to deal with the endo alone (or at least without a partner) Don't ever believe you aren't worth that new start, cos somewhere out there is someone who is worth your time xx
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Post by angelas on Apr 15, 2007 9:09:18 GMT -5
You girls all make such valid points! I think your right ouchy that it seems silly that I would be afraid to start over at 28... its not like I'm dead.... I guess that just comes from all the failed goals I intended to reach by now, and how disappointed I am in myself for letting this happen in the first place! I've spent 2 years thinking that tomorrow will be the day that I feel what I need to feel... times goes by really fast thats forsure.... Its not that I don't love him, I've just not been givin the opportunity to be IN-love with him... there have been times yes when I felt that way, but when it is never returned it is very hard to continue it. I feel like I've been vunerable in more ways than just how I've been with my endo. I've not hidden anything from him, feelings included. I am begining to see that his issues (whatever they are) don't have to be my responsibility to fix. When I see you all talk about how wonderful your marriages are, or boyfriends are, I feel sad. That isn't a good sign. But I also feel that there may be a little hope in getting past this... but I don't think it can happen the way he wants it to. He will NOT go to counselling with me, and he won't admit he has issues.... so where does it leave things...
I am truly so excited for this job opportunity!! Its at the Court House being a court reporter! I sent my resume (which I am darn proud of) and hope to touch base with him next week so I will keep you all posted on that.
For now you are right kb - I need to focus on my health and I only have 5 days to go! Once I am in the clear with that I can take the next steps...
Thank you all so much for your responses and support! Nothing can compare to that kind of kindness.
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Post by angelas on Apr 15, 2007 9:18:56 GMT -5
Oh and Tess hon - I'm so sorry for taking over your thread! How have things been on your end?? any better?
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Post by ouchy on Apr 15, 2007 10:22:47 GMT -5
Angela! Court reporting sounds awesome! I wanted to go to school for that, but then I got scared of carpal tunnel (spelling?). It sounds so exciting, though. Oh, did you know that court reporters actually do closed captioning for CNN and stuff? I heard they start at 80K a year! Don't know how true that is, but that's some good moolah for typing all day! I know it has to be terrifying to try to start over on your own, but you do have youth on your side! And a degree! If G-d forbid I had to get divorced, it would be extrememly difficult for me to start over, especially with a kid on the way, but I'm sure I could manage it. I might be in a cardboard box on the street, but I have heard that those are getting way more flashy these days! You can even smoke in them now! JUST KIDDING. There is always a way to do it. Definitely stay until after your surgery and you are back up and kicking, but sometimes staying in something that you know isn't good for you is failing at life overall. You've got a lot to give, and you should find someone who respects that and will give you the same love back. My opinion for what its worth. One of my friends is divorced. She's 25 and has one 6-year-old girl. Her ex-husband is now getting ready to enter med school. She works at a pop bottling facility. She's dating a guy who cant' drive bc he's had a DUI, and he has no intent of getting his license back. Why should he? Everyone drives him anywhere he needs to go. He has one kid for whom he doesn't even pay child support. He drinks all of the time, and she can't ever really TALK TALK to him bc he is always drunk. She doesn't want to leave him bc she doesn't want to have another "failed relationship." She always says, "He'll see how good I am for him." I always reply...."Yes, but is HE good for YOU?" She told me that is what her little sister asks her. Her little sister just graduated high school and she can see it. I want to slap her upside her head and ask her if ANY of this situation is good for her 6-year-old little girl! Hopefully, she'll move back to her own house! She should get out of there so she can see the situation from afar. Thought I'd share this litle story. OHHHH. And she wanted to get pregnant by this guy so he'd see how much he loves her!?!
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Post by cherry on Apr 15, 2007 13:54:37 GMT -5
Angela as the queen of fluffing up my own life, I have to tell you there is hope. I'm only 22 but there are only so many options you have in the end. I was made homeless, lost my job and had others to look after besides myself, with no money. My cat almost died silly as that sounds it was like hell on earth, and we had no cooker or washing machine. Plus the hormone treatment was robbing me of my sanity. On top of all that I absolutely self sabotage, but still you will always find a way to get through it. Now I feel like a new person so in a way I'm grateful for these huge changes as much as it hurt at the time. I honestly can see from your attitude you will be fine, and you know now what you want so you have a head start in whatever you choose to do, absolute best of luck it looks like things are really gonna change for the better xx
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Post by JackMcFarland on Apr 15, 2007 16:09:07 GMT -5
First, shush about stealing my thread. That's what it's here for! Silly.
I've given up a lot for my Bf, but I draw the line at losing myself. I love him, and I would do just about anything for him, but only just about. He's become my life, my soul, but I am still my own entity in my own existance. He will not rule me, and he will not control me - I am my own person. Do I want him to be a man and support his family? Of course. When I have kids, I want to stay at home. However, he is the kinda of guy that will help - for instance, this afternoon in Target we saw a mother with two boys pulling two shopping carts, he turn to me and said that he would make sure that never happened to me.
When I met him he was a 30 year old kid, now he's a 31 year old kid but with bigger and better aspirations to start a family, a buisness, and finally finish school. He won't admit it, but he's grown up. My nephews ADORE him, and watching him with them, showing them how to beat levels on video games is by far the greatest feeling.
You can never sell yourself short. You always have to tell yourself there IS something better and you have to work for it, strive for it. Joe and I have OUR life, but I still have MY life.
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Post by angelas on Apr 15, 2007 17:25:29 GMT -5
I actually have a degree in Law, and have been dying to get in there forever now!! It is going to be so exciting!! I will get to be a part of the biggest cases in the city!! I actually never heard that about them being able to report for CNN!! That would be amazing!! The $$ is fantastic!!!Not to mention the benefits as well!! I found out that you really only spend an average of 18 hours in the courts per week and the rest of the time you are at home working on transcripts and such at your own pace! Thats a lot of why its my dream too since it will be so much easier on me physically than standing and lifting 40 hours a week! Thanks for sharing that story too!! No offense to your friend but I am so glad that my situation is NOTHING like that!!! See Jeff suffers from a personality disorder - solitary personality. People with that disorder have a really hard time with any emotional attachment - friends, family, intimate etc. I only found this out a little while ago (from his aunt), and he has had this since he was very young. I don't even think he knows himself. The denial of it being an issue is a classic symptom, which explains his lack of compromise where counselling is concerned. I have been thinking in the last few weeks that I would be so heart broken if he left me because of my illness, so I couldn't live with myself if I did that to him. Thats the main reason I started to see the counsellor again.. hoping she could help me find some common grounds with him, and that eventually he'd agree to come with me to a few sessions... that is what I still have hopes for, but I'm not going to totally blind myself into thinking things can change.. just as he can't change who I am, I can't change him either.... Its such a difficult situation. I see myself at the bottom of a very steep hill - that may not be possible to climb. Cherry - I too have been through some rough stuff like that, and you'd think I'd have more confidence when faced with difficult situations eh?!?! I was even engaged to be married already once... left him 7 months before the wedding cause it just didn't feel right!! We were together 5 years!! So I know I could make it.. I'm just not sure yet if I want to.... man I'm a messed up girl.....I wish I had some wine!! LOL
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Post by AussieBird on Apr 15, 2007 19:06:53 GMT -5
I have been thinking in the last few weeks that I would be so heart broken if he left me because of my illness, so I couldn't live with myself if I did that to him. That may make sense on the surface but I'm sure you know in your heart that it is definitely not that black & white. Relationships are about give and take - you need to know that he is trying. Is he? If he refuses counselling? It is not fair for you to be the only one to make sacrifices. That's not a relationship - more like a dictatorship. Having a special someone isn't something that life owes you. Endo takes things away from us (for me it is the ability to work full-time and so I hardly make any money - that's something I have to put up with) and his condition may very well take things away from him - this is not your fault or your responsibility in the slightest! Rather than feeling guilty I reckon you have a right to feel a little upset that you weren't told about this sooner. This is your life too. A 'wrong' relationship will only make both of you unhappy in the long run. You wouldn't actually be doing him any favours. Just my thoughts. ((((((((HUGS!!!)))))))) I really feel for you!
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Post by ouchy on Apr 15, 2007 19:42:22 GMT -5
I agree with AussieBird. Along the same lines, alcoholoism is an illness. Should my friend stay with her boyfriend because he has an illness? She's hoping he'll change.
It probably also wouldn't be fair to your potential children to get them set up with a father who may or may not show them the love and attention they need and deserve bc he has a personality disorder. I know it sounds harsh, but it in a way, it's selective breeding. Please don't be mad at me for that comment. I'm speaking as a child who has a mother with a major personality disorder and still have to watch my brothers suffer through it.
When you said in an earlier post that you were kind of sad when you read our posts about how great our boyfriends/husbands are, I believe that you should be in a relationship that's same way. We're only happy bc we found compatible partners on all levels (or maybe 99%) and wouldn't stand for less. Basically, we found the love we deserved and wanted. Not that we settled for.
I'll give you an example. While my one friend has to worry about whether or not her boyfriend will come home drunk, and my other friend used to have to wonder if her husband would kill her in her sleep, my biggest problem with my husband was that he ate dinner too fast that he would snort . It sounded like I was trying to eat in the middle of a pet shop! But even though it was really annoying, it paled in comparison to all of the other complaints from my friends I heard.
One GREAT piece of advice that I got from my grandfather on making happy, loving relationships that work. Look at all of the elderly couples who have made it. Examine their relationships. How they interact. You'll see that they still flirt with each other. They both care deeply about each other. It's like a pilot and a co-pilot. It's like a puzzle where all of the pieces fit perfectly. Heck, they even look alike! I took all of this and didn't settle until I found the man who filled all of my expectations. Smart, funny, going places career-wise, wanted a family, had a good family life (I wanted to have a chance at having a surrogate family since mine is so crappy.), would be a good provider, and wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom. I found that. And I wouldn't settle for less. Sure, no relationship is perfect, but when my biggest concern about our relationship is freaking out on him for eating like a stray hound, that's a really great relationship sign! We've been married for over 4 years now and have been together for 6 3/4 years. In that time we've only had one real fight, which he doesn't consider a fight. It was when I tried to take bread away from him for part of a diet! We literally played tackle football with the bag of bread. But that's it! We always discuss things and don't raise our voices. My mom used to yell a lot, and it makes me shut down. Marrying someone who would rather discuss/talk than yell was also a big part of my breeding choice!
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Post by angelas on Apr 15, 2007 21:12:15 GMT -5
Ochy - dear - I am so not mad at you for making that point!! Your honesty and ability to not 'butter it up' for me is what I respect most and its also what I need to hear!! You and aussiebird made some very good points!! Points that I truly need to think about!!
Am I making excuses to stick around?? or am I just really stressed out about the upcoming surgery and overracting?? I just don't know anymore.... like right now he's sitting accross from me looking at houses for us. In the past few days he's talked so much about 'our' future which I think just confuses me even more. I was the one who told him that I don't want to continue for years wondering whether happiness will come, and I told him to choose the time limit - thats where the 3 months came from. So I guess that part is mostly my fault. Its almost like he is going to continue to treat things like we are moving forward all the while I feel like he is going to be keeping score on how I act and make the effort to make the 'changes' he wants me to make.
Everyone deserves to find that love - you are all right, and it just may be that its coming to be about time I do the same... I do think though that I owe it to myself to really think about this while I try to nab that dream job!!! The first step I have to make is to make sure I can be ok on my own again financially... once I have that in the box I won't have that scaring me...
I am now just trying to keep everything calm and collected cause the last thing I need to do is have a total breakdown this week! Then I'll be going nowhere but a rubber room!
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Post by ouchy on Apr 15, 2007 21:24:31 GMT -5
True. Deal with the horror of the huge lap pads first! Gosh! I can't believe your surgery is in 5 days!!!!!!!!! That's wondeful! I think that if you are in no harm and just want to stay until you are financially able to make a clear decision, whether it is to stay or leave, you will be able to do so with much less stress. Definitely worry about the lap for now!
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Post by angelas on Apr 16, 2007 9:08:32 GMT -5
HAHAHAA!! Thinking about the lap is actually giving me some relief!!! I have been waiting for this lap since January and the fact that I only have 4 more sleeps is really a great thing for me!!! that and the fact that I hope to have some sort of interview at the courthouse! If I could do that by Friday I would be set!!!! I also have 2 exams to write this week so I have more than enough to keep me occupied and in better spirits! Once I get healed and back to work (at the courthouse I hope) and spend less time alone with my thoughts I think my deicion will be much easier to come by!! I am not going to forget all the wonderful points that have been made here, or my fantastic support network here! All of those things are going to be factors in whats best for me in the long run!! But whats best right now is to be happy about the little things, and look forward to the big things this week!!! YAY!!
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Post by irishmuse on Apr 21, 2007 20:46:05 GMT -5
I am a horrifyingly jealous person! But in these situations I've just read, you guys have reason to be jealous. I would put my foot down and say "no more speaking to her!" Of course, I'm the one in my relationship who is still friends with one "ex", and one guy I fooled around with once and used to have a HUGE thing for. They are just good friends, and both care about me as a friend. I know my man doesn't like me talking to them, but I've been very clear that he is the one I love, and they are JUST FRIENDS. It's not like I hang out with them, but I do talk to them online. And both are THRILLED that Grant and I are together, and think he is the most wonderful thing to happen to me. I think the difference is that those guys have no "alterior motives". They don't call me when they're "lonely", and we're all honestly happy for each other and the relationships we're in. The "other women" in these situations seem to have "alterior motives", though, which is bad news.
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