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Post by cherry on Apr 14, 2007 1:47:07 GMT -5
Angelas, I could only do a wee tiny small smile to myself when I read about him saying I love you. It will come don't you worry! I spent nearly 2 years with one complete a**hole who I honestly thought I loved, and I told him I loved him (the first time I did he disappeared for 2 weeks and a friend of his always hinted that he cheated, but then she wanted him for herself) and I honestly didn't, not in that way and certainly not in a way to justify wasting so much time on him. I said it a lot of times I didn't mean it and it felt like I had emotional freudian slip! I mean when I finally dumped him I felt absolutely nothing except relief. Not even sentimentality or affection! My current though, I had such a hard time saying it cos I meant it and was so overwhelmed by my feelings, he had to guess what I wanted to say and said it first so I could say it back. He is my first love and the love of my life and I regret that I said it to anyone before him, but I mean it with all my heart when I do say. I think it takes a while to forgive yourself for not meaning it before, and also to come to terms with the fact that what you feel now is the real thing. I think anyone who sticks with us through the endo (cos the pity stages passes off soon after your first psychotic screaming fit haha) it must absolutely be love. I have been left with the bare bones of loved ones through the endo, but I know who stands with me now and I love them all dearly for that alone! xx
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Post by kb on Apr 14, 2007 2:32:17 GMT -5
As a women it's not easy to not over analyze, it seems to be embedded into our nature. Hope i didnt offend u tess with my comment, meant nothing by it, am sure it must be hard. It is completely understandable how ur feeling too. Maybe u need to tell him all of this, exactly how its making u feel.
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Post by angelas on Apr 14, 2007 9:10:21 GMT -5
I can totally see what you mean cherry about the meaning of it all to most people. We actually had a conversation about it last night, and he plainly told me that my definition of love is different than his, and that he will say it to the one that he knows he can spend his life with. I can respect that, but it also hurts knowing that after 2 years with me, he still isn't sure. There are a whirlwind of other issues going on with us, and well to make a long story short, he's been asking me to change some things about myself before he will be comfortable making the decision to take that next step. He's giving me 3 months. If he's not happy by then, we split. Neither of us can afford to hang onto something that just isn't right for either of us. I'm not going down without a fight, but I am also bracing myself. I can't help but feel sad too that this all had to happen just when I'm about to go in for surgery. This is the hardest time in my life so far that I've ever had to face.
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Post by JackMcFarland on Apr 14, 2007 11:36:53 GMT -5
As a women it's not easy to not over analyze, it seems to be embedded into our nature. Hope i didnt offend u tess with my comment, meant nothing by it, am sure it must be hard. It is completely understandable how ur feeling too. Maybe u need to tell him all of this, exactly how its making u feel. Oh goodness stop! You didn't offend me at all! We have lots of stuff to work out. I think at this point with the move and my endo, I'm just a bit more stressed then normal. I feel bad, I'm taking things a lot more personal. Especially with his family, I feel like they are intruding. His siter is a great girl, but I get this feeling that she thinks I'm taking her big brother away and she needs to be on top of his every move. I have two older brothers, but my oldest brother was dating his girlfriend before I was even born! So it's hard for me to actually relate. Plus, it's their life, not mine. I don't know - I'm in this rut. All I wanted was to spend our first night in OUR new home alone. Now, his sister and possibly his cousin are coming along for the move...I asked my mom if she would help, cause well, she's my mother...and she's not going to have any place to sleep cause the gurst room is already taken over by his sister and cousin. It's always about his family...mine gets pushed away. And I totally ran away with this topic.
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Post by ouchy on Apr 14, 2007 11:40:42 GMT -5
Big, Italian families... Kinda' like Big Fat Greek Wedding?
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Post by JackMcFarland on Apr 14, 2007 12:33:17 GMT -5
Um, exactly like Big Fat Greek Wedding? We both come from Italian families, mine just slightly larger than his. But mine is so big we lose track of each other!
Now the issue is that my mother is coming to help us move, as is his sister and cousin. Both are staying Thursday night. Where the heck am I putting three people in a two bedroom, 1 1/2 bathroom apartment!?
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Post by karen80222 on Apr 14, 2007 13:40:21 GMT -5
Angela -- "change some things about yourself" and giving you 3 months? ? You have GOT to be kidding me!!!! You should NEVER change anything about yourself -- really, you can't -- you are who you are! Now -- unless it's something like you have to stop killing birds in the back yard, or cooking meth in the basement, or selling all his belonging for the next collector plate from the Franklin Mint -- well, those could be justified. I don't know what he wants you to change -- but if it something that is you -- then you can't! A friend of mine wanted his wife to change .... lose weight, be more social, less complainy - etc. She tried as hard as she could....but that just wasn't who she was! And I told him that even if she did act different (not change), then she would be putting on an act just to make him happy -- which is unfair to both of them...she couldn't be herself and he could only like her if she was someone else. And know what else -- if you "change" those things -- he will want you to change something else...until you are some other person! Don't do it -- you are perfect the way you are! I cannot believe he would be ugly enough to say stuff like that RIGHT before your surgery? You are in enough of a whirlwind right now! Maybe he should change being that way! Sorry for venting or making it seem like I am bad-mouthing him -- I'm not! Just don't hate to have you feel badly!!!! Hang in there! Tess -- since everyone in the universe is helping you move -- how bout they all stay at your new place & do all the unpacking while you & your man go check into a luxury hotel until they are done! ;D
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Post by JackMcFarland on Apr 14, 2007 13:56:52 GMT -5
Karen - I was SOOOOO thinking that! And it's Orlando, there are plenty of awesome hotels there!
And Angela, just like Karen said. You shouldn't have to change. There is no reason, he must love you for you. I do know that in one year my Bf and I have grown, he's changed in the fact that he's now serious about life and wants to better himself...for himself. He tells me that I did bring on the change, and he's doing it for us - but it's also a different kind of change.
If you are changing physical things about yourself, mental things that will make you a totally different person, he isn't worth it. I didn't ask my Bf to change, he did it on his own. ANd myself? I'm just another year older, I've grown up a lot and changed in that sense.
That is a hard situation to be in. To have endo like we all do, there is that fear that no one else will love us, that no one else will stick by oursides...But there is someone else out there. Someone else who won't care, who won't make you change...and will love you for YOU.
Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous - Gotta love Sex and the City!!!
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Post by angelas on Apr 14, 2007 14:30:20 GMT -5
Thanks you guys!!! It really does make me feel better to see that I even have support here no matter what I choose! The things that he is asking me to change, are things that I've been trying to do for our entire relationship, and no matter do or what I try its just not good enough. Things like trying to show appreciation for him more like thank him more than I already do, to not be so emotional, to learn to accept certain things without trying to change them (such as the fact that I may not be able to have children - why accept that when I haven't even tried yet? ) .. the reason I haven't gotten outta here before now is because I am entirely financially dependant on him right now... Not to mention how deathly afraid I am to start over at my age!! I actually just got a call from the hiring manager for the job I've been dreaming of since college!!! I am going to be talking to him next week in regards to the details of the position and all that! I AM SO EXCITED! that is one step forward in getting my independance back!!
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Post by JackMcFarland on Apr 14, 2007 14:41:11 GMT -5
Ah. I've heard the whole 'try not to be so emotional' thing, and the 'you dont know what the future will bring. we dont know yet if you cant have babies.'
I get that. But, to even fathum the thought of not being able to get pregnant right away, to struggle so much now and in 4 years not be able to get pregnant, or to have a difficult pregnancy or an unhealthy child, those are the concerns that riddle my brain. I will not be able to change those thing, and he understand that. He know's that for me, having children has become very important, and he stopped telling me that 'we dont know'. He is correct in his statement, but instead now he just rubs my head and tells me it'll be OK. ...and sometimes that's what we all need to hear.
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Post by angelas on Apr 14, 2007 14:48:48 GMT -5
Your right Tess... hearing the simple 'it's ok' would make such a world of a difference... but that kind of support or likeness doesn't happen at my house.. I'm the stupid one for not being able to accept things...
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Post by ouchy on Apr 14, 2007 14:53:28 GMT -5
Not to mention how deathly afraid I am to start over at my age!! Are you kidding me? ? You're still SOOOO young! Women start over in their 50's and do a great job at it! I learned something really helpful in a family relations class in school. Basically, if you have to think about something (like staying in a relationship), then you already know the answer!
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Post by karen80222 on Apr 14, 2007 14:54:52 GMT -5
OK -- you're NOT stupid!!!!! Sometimes we just get in situations that we can't get out of easily. But -- we sure can get out as soon as we can -- smile! What's your dream job? How cool would that be??? And -- it could totally work out cus you could plan your start date for when you have recovered!!!! Now THAT is a great thing! That should make you feel SO good!!!!
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Post by cherry on Apr 14, 2007 16:54:02 GMT -5
Angela I had no idea it had been that long, and the other ladies are dead on, it's just not fair. That seems a long time to decide whether to say he loves you. There are so many ways to love a person and often you will love someone a million different ways at once. So how can be sure he hasn't felt that real love for you already. He's asking you to change things that are to do with your endo, would if you could right. And the satisfaction of helping you shouldn't come when you show a load of gratitude, it should be that he is happy to be there for you... and if things are gonna end because he's not happy with you, thats the reason for it to be over right there. We have all seen what a bad effect this all has had on you in the last 6 weeks alone, so he should know better than to dump all this on you so close to your surgery. Once you have this fantastic job in the bag and your surgery is done, he will regret he was ever so unkind. That sort of ultimatum is unfair, relationships aren't one sided. Soon as you're fit and able get out there and start living for yourself, make him see how privileged he is to be allowed into your world, and to have been the one to care for you when you were vulnerable xx
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Post by kb on Apr 15, 2007 1:41:41 GMT -5
thats horrible angelas.
((((((((((((((((((((((angelas))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I mean really, to say that to u now. I agree with everyone else, dont change for him, and the things he wants u to change are not something u can at the moment, takes time to accept these kind of things.
Also agree, if its taken him 2yrs and his unsure, its not going to happen.
Obviously hard for u to change ur situation at the moment, but agree with Ouchy never too old to start over, if ur staying because ur financially dependent and thats the only reason, u have to consider that maybe u dont love him either.
But dont think on it now, be ur own person, get through this hurdle and after that put some serious thoughts into things and get ur life the way u want it.
Better to be alone than in a bad relationship.
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