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Post by erzulie on Nov 30, 2006 18:15:46 GMT -5
It hasn't been the best week for me, I've been sick and missing work (and don't think for a second that I get sick pay, it's not even an option with my job) and on Sunday I received very frightening news indeed: my niece, who just turned 16 a month ago, is pregnant. I'm sure anyone can imagine why this is bad news: at sixteen, she is much too young even for a sexual relationship, let alone motherhood. She's just a kid! She still needs people to look after her, she can't be looking after a baby yet! Turns out she's due in May, just two weeks after my pregnant sister is due (note: the pregnant sister is not my niece's mom, that's my other sister). It's such an insane contrast...I was so happy when I found out my sister was pregnant, but she's 32, has been married seven years, has a three-year-old she's done a good job with so far, and she planned this because she was ready for another baby. With my niece it's a completely different story, I can't be happy about it because she's just lost the small amount of childhood she had left so she can spend her time raising what I fear may be a very screwed-up individual. At her age she should be a little selfish. She should be thinking about herself a lot and figuring out who she is and what she believes. She's in no position to take on a job that requires 24/7 unselfishness, a job that you can't really perform without self-confidence and a strong belief system. I could hope she would put the baby up for adoption but I think it's unlikely that she will. Her mom, my oldest sister, is excited about the whole thing! I don't know how to react at all because apparently I'm supposed ot think this is good news when it's really like a nightmare come true. My oldest sister is bipolar and is often delusional, which I think explains the unusual reaction. But that leads me to the next issue: my family has long suspected that my niece is bipolar like her mother. It's a genetic illness often set off by hormones. It my sister's case, she never had the illness too badly until she gave birth to two children in a short period of time (my nephew was born only a year after my niece). It threw her hormones off so badly that she never really recovered. If my niece does have this illness, having a baby may be enough to set her off badly enough that she may need to go into a hospital. I feel like her future's been ruined. She's only a sophomore in high school. She's supposed to go to high school two more years, and then she was going to go to college. I don't know how she'll do any of that now. I keep telling myself everything might work out okay, some teen mothers turn out all right and so do their kids, but it's so hard to imagine it being okay in this case! My niece isn't one of those mature-for-her-age teenagers, she's actually kind of immature emotionally. I don't think she can just grow up and become supermom in the next six months. I also feel like they ought to get her tested for HIV and all that, but i'm not sure the best tactic for suggesting this as for some reason people often get offended by that suggestion. If anyone has any words of comfort or advice or anything I'd greatly appreciate it!
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Post by meldart on Nov 30, 2006 18:40:33 GMT -5
Oh it really doesn't sound like a great week at all, hearing news like that isn't good at the best of times but when your feeling crappy as well. I totally understand how concerned you are about your niece especially because of the bipolar. I would imagine your niece is feeling terrified inside at the moment, if her mum was excited about it from day one she may be putting on a front to make out she is excited as well. Where as she may not have had anyone to talk to about the reality of it all. Granted she may talk to her friends/ boyfriend if he is still around but it is likely she will want someone who won't go on at her about what a stupid idea it was and how irresponsible it was, someone who won't patronize her. I obviously don't know your relationship but if you can be the person she confides in and doesn't make her feel small the you stand a good chance of getting her tested. The other positive about her hopefully confiding in you is that she won't be bottling all her feelings up and putting on a front so she might be able to cope better especially if she does have bipolar.
None of that will probably help but my boyfriend sister is 16 and I'm the only one she confides in because the rest of her family patronize her and make her feel small and I don't.
Hope things start to look more positive for you.
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Post by erzulie on Nov 30, 2006 19:07:19 GMT -5
I wish she would confide in me, but she doesn't. If she ever wanted to I'd let her, and all that stuff I just said about how terrible the situation is, I would never say to her. I realize the futility of telling her now what a mistake she's made, it's too late to take it back now and she needs to really think positive if she's going to be the best mother possible. Unfortunately she lives in another state, nowhere near me, and I hardly ever get to see her. If I do get the chance to talk to her I think I will try my best to sound neutral, basically to let her know i hope things work out well (because I certainly do even if I'm not feeling too optimistic) and asking her how she's feeling without sounding patronizing, and to be careful not to let on that I feel horrified by the situation, but to also not pretend I'm happy about it. I guess I'm more unsure how to talk to my sister than how to talk to her, because my sister is shoving the whole this-is-good-news thing at everyone! I think I'd have more confidence in everything if my sister would recognize that this is an inherently bad situation that we need to work hard to make the best of. The fact she thinks it's a good situation means she probably thinks my niece is ready to handle it, and she's not!
Incidentally, my sister doe snot actually have custody of my niece, although she does talk to her on a regular basis. My niece lives with her father and stepmother, and I really don't know how they're reacting. Probably not as positively, but she really doesn't have a good relationship with her stepmother (and I don't blame her--the stepmother's psycho). I don't think she does have any adults she can really talk to. I would be happy to help her but it's not really as simple as calling her up and saying "I know you don't have anyone to talk to, so talk to me!"
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Post by meldart on Nov 30, 2006 19:18:40 GMT -5
No it's not as easy as that, she would probably be very suspicious at best if you were to contact her. Her situation sounds exactly like my boyfriends sister (bar the pregnancy but I'm trying to prevent that at the moment!).
I guess you can only attempt to talk to your sister and try asking how she found out about her daughters pregnancy, was she shocked? Has she talked it through in any length with your niece? Questions that don't seem like your prying but that will get her thinking about the situation
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Post by ouchy on Nov 30, 2006 23:09:56 GMT -5
Man. I dont' know what to say. Maybe we should go back to chastity belts!
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Post by jjuls22 on Dec 1, 2006 15:57:12 GMT -5
This is a complete outside response and I know how worried you must be. I remember when I was in high school, I grad in 2001 and i did a senior project teaching 6th graders. I couldnt BELIEVE how "sexually" active they were at that age! I was disgusted when i would her them talk about "what goes on under the table at lunch, or what she did in the movies to his thing!" 6th graders!!!! I dont know where the parents are these days that aren't involved with their children. Although, on the conctradictive side, i was dating my current boyfriend at the age of 16. I waited 3 months before I had sex with him, I always told myself that i would wait atleast a year. But i didnt. I took it upon myself to go to a parent planning thingie and get birth control. I can't imagine those 6th graders thinking about getting pregnant, I can't imagine not knowing enough to protect yourself, being to scared to get the morning after pill, or even know enough that there is a morning after pill. Arent they teaching these things in high school?? Could it possibly be that your niece wants someone to love her and to love back? it seems like since her mother is bi-polar and her step mother is a psycho, could it be that she is not close with her father as well? Could this be an attention thing? i dont know, just some random thoughts I guess. I feel awful for your niece and the new life that she is about to embark on. My only hopes for her is that she finishes high school, gets a decent paying job and is stable enough to raise a loving child. I know many youngesters who pawn their babies off to their mothers and they continue on with their childhood with no remorse or regrets. maybe getting some other close relatives involved, is there any one that is close to her that could talk to her and make sure she understands the choice she is taking is life altering??? good luck Erzulie!!!
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