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Post by Becky on Jun 5, 2007 19:20:26 GMT -5
hi. I was just wondering what people's feelings are on adoption. Sometimes I think it would be a great solution but other times it seems so scarey - what if we didn't bond with the child etc etc? Has anyone here gone down that route and adopted?
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Post by ouchy on Jun 5, 2007 20:05:48 GMT -5
Hi, Becky. Erzulie started an adoption thread, but I can't find it at the moment. I'm going to lock this thread, and hopefully erzulie will be able to find her thread for you. (Thread locked to avoid duplicates. Waiting on redirection to existing thread.)
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Post by ouchy on Jun 9, 2007 10:01:13 GMT -5
Well, we can't find that thread, so I'll unlock this one, and when erzulie comes back, maybe she can find her thread, and then we'll combine them. (Thread unlocked until future notice.)
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Post by ouchy on Jun 9, 2007 11:12:32 GMT -5
hi. I was just wondering what people's feelings are on adoption. Sometimes I think it would be a great solution but other times it seems so scarey - what if we didn't bond with the child etc etc? Has anyone here gone down that route and adopted? Probably an easy way to make sure you can bond with the kid would be to become a foster parent to the potential adoptee first. That way, if you dont' bond or the kid is just too wild/crazy, you have the option of giving the child back to the state.
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Post by erzulie on Jun 9, 2007 21:45:36 GMT -5
I'll try to find the link to the thread I made, but mine wasn't quite teh same topic, so I think this one should stay unlocked. Mine was just linking to a website that had stories of adoption, rather than a discussion on adoption in general---I actually think this thread is better!
I think it's a good topic, Becky. I have thought that if I have kids in the future I will probably adopt. I just think it's a wonderful way to have kids--you get to have a kid, and you safe someone from a life of misery. Everyone wins! With the overpopulation problems the world is experiencing, I wish more people would consider adoption as their first choice. Obviously not everyone should, but I wish more people would!
As for the fear of not bonding with the child...I think if you adopt a baby or toddler, there isn't any more risk than there would be if you had a biological child. Some people don't bond with their children and it's unclear why, but I think it's pretty rare. If you're not worried about not bonding with a baby who is genetically yours, then I wouldn't worry about not bonding with a baby you adopt. I don't think blood relations are what make us love our children, I think it's just having someone so innocent depending on you, and the fact that they love you--and, while there is an adjustment period, any baby or small child is going to come to love the people who are taking care of it!
If you are thinking of adopting a school-age child, ouchy's right, fostering first will help. If can give you time to develop a bond, or if you don't, to decide you're not the one. It can be risky though--not all children who are in foster care are officially up for adoption yet. You could bond with a child and then see him/her sent to live with relatives. And if you don't bond with the child and the state doesn't make other arrangements, then you are either stuck with a child that you don't really want for an indefinite period of time, or you have to ask the state to remove the child, knowing that this will likely screw the child up even worse. People who foster say it's a wonderful experience, but you have to be the right kind of person to handle it.
However, I have known people who have adopted school-age children without fostering first, and I have never known of anyone failing to form a bond. I think it usually works out, even if it takes some time.
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Post by ouchy on Jun 9, 2007 21:48:02 GMT -5
(I think the thread you started turned in to an adoption thread, though, if I remember right.) I'm all for keeping this one open, though.
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Post by erzulie on Jun 9, 2007 21:53:34 GMT -5
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Post by ouchy on Jun 9, 2007 21:54:40 GMT -5
I'm all for adoption. I have known a couple who adopted a baby and had a great experience, then adopted a school-aged child and had a great time. She and her husband then went on to adopt another schooo-aged kid and the kid was nuts! THey wound up getting divorced over it, and the kid was a living nightmare.
I think it depends a lot on the kid.
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Post by erzulie on Jun 10, 2007 10:43:05 GMT -5
Yeah, it's more of a risk with older kids. If you're not going to foster first you'd better be prepared to deal with a kid who has serious issues! You have to really ask a lot of questions before you go into it, and I'd suggest not trying to talk your significant other into anything s/he doesn't want to do. It's really the same thing when you're having a child that's biologically yours. You have to stop and think, what if our child is mentally retarded? What if our child is born with a fatal disease and will only live maybe five years? What if our child is schizophrenic, or severely autistic? What if our child is born deaf? What if our child is a hermaphrodite, or tuns out to have gender identity disorder? If you can't handle even one of the above things, then you'd better use the best birth control out there because it would be a terrible mistake to bring a child into the world knowing that you won't both want the child if the child isn't "perfect." Even if you think your child is low-risk for certain problems because no one in the family has it, there could be recessive genes you never knew about. When you're adopting an older child, you can get around some of those issues by simply choosing a child who hasn't got major health problems, but then you have the concern that the child may have serious emotional problems due to instability and abuse. Well I've heard about children who seem far gone who end up coming around and living normal lives after someone works with them, but it has to be just the right person, and you may or may not be that person. So you and your significant other just have to decide what you'd do if the child had problems that were bigger than what you could deal with. But, again, if you adopt a baby or toddler, they probably will have gotten out of the bad situation soon enough not to have such serious scars. If you adopt a newborn, you don't even have to worry about that at all. It's just hard to adopt a newborn, from what I hear! While many children who are removed from abusive homes never find adoptive parents, it's the oppsite with babies who are given up at birth--you could be waiting for years! I've heard that in America, if you already have a kid there's no paoint even trying to adopt a newborn here. You have to go out of the country if you want to do it, and foreign adoptions take so long that the baby won't be a newborn by the time you get it. It still might be young enough to bond with you automatically though. You know, I hate to have to do this because I always hope we can give people the answers here rather than sending them elsewhere, but I know of a place that might answer your question better. I regret that it is this way, but I don't know of anyone who actually has adopted on this website. However, there is an endometriosis mailing list where several people have discussed adopting and fostering. If you asked your question there, you'd probably get lots of answers. If you can figure out how to search the archives, you can reaad past posts on adoption and learn a lot. I've read a lot of positive stories, and a few stories of people who managed to get through some really negative experiences. I will give you a link on how to subscribe: www.ivf.com/witsend.html
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Post by Becky on Jun 13, 2007 17:38:40 GMT -5
hi again - thanks for sharing your thoughts and words of wisdom on the whole adoption thing. Deep down I agree with what you say really, I guess I just find it a bit scarey, a leap into the unknown, but then again so is having a biological child! I especially agree that with a highly evolved species like us humans (although I do wonder sometimes!) there is hopefully more to bonding with our children than just genes. You're right that if you've got all that love to give to a biological child, then I'm sure that love can just as easily be channeled towards a child without your genes. There are some different issues for me though, since I live in the Netherlands and there is no option to adopt a kid from within the country (because there are practically no unwanted children given up for adoption within the country) - therefore all adoptions here are international. There's no option to foster first, so it really would be a case of 'no return'' once the decision is made. International adoption throws open so many other issues too, like the child's cultural identity - he/she has the right to know his/her background but it must be difficult to strike the balance between informing them and pointing out too much that they are ''different''. also, how would the fact that the child looks different to you and is therefore obviously adopted to the outside world affect how he/she feels? so many similar issues. Also, the adoption procedure here takes YEARS, so like Erzulie said it's unlikely you'd be able to adopt a child younger than 2. and it can be expensive, which i find very unfair and worrying. There's also been some worrying publicity recently about children adopted from India, where they were actually stolen from their parents by criminal gangs, sold to orphanages and then adopted out internationally, their biological parents never knowing what happened to them. That would be just hell, because one of the best things about adoption I think would be knowing that you're saving a child from a terrible life. wow I've rambled on. It's such a huge issue my feelings change all the time. My husband feels similar - keen, but scared and daunted by the whole process! how long does the adoption process take on average in the US? and is it expensive, do you know? In Britain, where I'm from, there's practically no money involved. it seems very different from country to country.
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Post by mwilmot on Jun 15, 2007 11:44:40 GMT -5
My sister was unable to conceive (both her and her spouse had fertility issues) so they adopted twins, a boy and a girl, from Guatemala. They started the process in March 06 with finding an agency and then in April the twins were born and in May they were told they would be getting the twins. They were suppose to get them in November/December but had some paperwork issues with the Guatemalan government so they were unable to pick up the twins and bring them back to the US until January. They visisted the twins twice (a week each time) while they were in the 'waiting' period. They paid around $20,000 for the process. They said they are going to start the process all over in 6 months but adopt from the US this time since Guatemala is starting to close adoption from there.
It works for her and I was really happy for her but I'm not sure if we'd adopt. We are going to try natural for a little while and then if that doesn't work try IUI and then IVF and then I guess we'll go from there.
I have known many people (aunt, cousin, sister-in-law) who've adopted and they have all really liked it and bonded with their children. All have either adopted a second time or said that they would.
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Post by akcheryl on Jun 26, 2007 12:00:52 GMT -5
My husband and I have always wanted to both have biological and adopted children. I suppose it seems natural for us, since my mom (and her non-biological sister), and my husband (and his non-biological brothers and sister) are all adopted, and everyone has had a good experience with the process. Both my husband and my mom know their biological parents and have relationships with them, yet consider their adoptive parents to be their "mom and dad" - and I think this is something my husband and I would be very comfortable with as adoptive parents.
We really don't see a difference between biological and adopted children. I think we'll end up with the kids we are meant to have, and some of those children will just be born to other people, but we'll be their parents.
Also, my mom is not white, but her adoptive parents are (I'm half white); likewise, my husband is caucasian, but one of his brothers and his sister are not. We really like the diverse makeup of our family and hope to provide the same upbringing to our own children.
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