Post by rainbow on Jun 28, 2015 17:18:09 GMT -5
I'm not really sure if I belong here yet. But...it seems to be more and more likely that I will. My name is Amy, I am 29 years old and in Australia. I have't yet been officially diagnosed, I am on the waiting list for a laparoscopy to check for it, which can take up to another 5 months to be booked for one and I'm getting scared, and fed up.
My cycles have never been regular since puberty - when I started I was told it can take a little while to "regulate". Apart from the fact that I wold only get a period maybe once every 4-5 months, there was nothing that really made me want to change that, as it wasn't causing much problem. I'm also asexual, and yes, for all intent purposes, a virgin...but that's a difficult thing to explain.
Basically, my only "intercourse" wasn't consented, and resulted in a pregnancy (somehow..I still don't understand it with my periods being like they were). I miscarried at 20 weeks, which most of you probably know, is rare, but I had a fall. No D/C was done, and I wasn't really told there had to be one. I was 17 at the time. My periods continued to be irregular, and I wasn't planning on having children until I felt the time was "right", plus, being asexual kind of decreases the need to worry about when I'm going to have to "time" them.
In December of 2006, I had odd spotting...that lasted about 2 weeks. I was concerned, but wasn't very bothered. Then, I'd have a period, and it would remain spotting...I was constantly wearing pads. (I've only ever used a tampon once...and it was the most painful and uncomfortable experience next to the pap smear after my assault) By the beginning of February 2007 it was a constant period and I was changing every half an hour for about 3 days...I could not even go anywhere. I remember I had to change right after 10 minutes at one point. I was in tears and as I was living with my mom at that point, she booked me into the doctor for the next morning. I was given norethisterone to take and stop the bleeding, and had an ultrasound booked - the bleeding stopped and the ultraound showint that my lining was thicker than normal, and I had a cyst on my right ovary that I was told should clear up by itself.
Back to irregular periods again and had no more troubles until recently.
In 2010...I decided that it was time that I really really wanted to start planning to have a child. I was 24, the same age that my mom was when she fell pregnant with me - but I was severely agoraphobic at that point (I suffer from anxiety, depression, and PSTD which is being treated now), so I didn't actively try, but I was making it one of my "big goals" to get well for. I've been steady in recovery since 2013 now, and no longer say that I *am* agoraphobic, and have gone in leaps and bounds with my anxiety for almost 2 years now. I have much more good days than bad. Or easier put about 8 bad days spread out along 8 months.
But that brings me to December last year...I actively started planning for trying to conceive in October and I went through a donor program that does not use sexual intercourse, and isn't from a clinic. It's a privately set up program by one Australian woman who only charges a monthly subscribing fee. Miraculously... from about October...my cycles regulated to 37 days apart. I met up with a donor in December, which, sad to say, did not turn out too happily. In January after many attempts during my "green week" I was late...though home tests showed me nothing, and the blood test didn't show anything either (according to my mom, the tests didn't work for her either, and she knew she was pregnant with me). Shortly after though, it seems I miscarried...which was the guess of my doctor. Who then almost yelled at me (in a concerned way, however) for suggesting that it may be because my body wasn't "healthy" enough to sustain the baby. She didn't want me blaming it on myself, I guess.
I met up with a different donor (who was a lot less creepy...the first one turned out to be a little well...too creepy and highly inappropriate with his conduct) in March, and we made plans to keep in contact in the proper etiquette of the program (first guy kept insisting on taking me out and trying to date me, pretty much...but kept insisting he doesn't want anything to do with a child that would come from the donating...but still wanted to stick around, which would just confuse any said child). However, in May...the problems started.
It started with abdominal pain on my lower left side. It was the weekend, and I had to call out a doctor to my house, who just gave me pain killers and told me to see my regular doctor. Who was away for a week. A week later, I was in severe pain from my abdomen, left hip and left side of my back. My parents came back from visiting my grandparents in the country for the weekend, and took me to the ER. Where they ran a pregnancy test to make sure that the attempt in February wasn't the cause...it wasn't. Did blood tests and gave me a letter for my regular doctor to get an ultrasound done. Ultrasound was external and internal (and embarrassingly enough...it was during my period that the appointment was booked. Size and shape was "normal" no cysts found or anything abnormal. So my doctor said it could be endo...and then advised that she book me in at the hospital for a laparoscopy, which could take up to six months. If nothing there is found, she'll order for a CT scan.
That was a month ago now, I'm a few days before my next period and the pain started up again in Saturday...I tried to ignore it until Sunday, but called a doctor out and was suggested that I speak to my own doctor (who is away on vacation for the next 3 weeks) about getting Implanon until the surgery...which I'm hesitant about...as well as giving me more painkillers.
So now, I'm playing the waiting game, and I'm scared of the surgery - I'm scared of what they'll find. I'm sick and tired of going through this and I'm confused as to what's going on. I haven't contacted the second donor, though we've not even attempted with it yet, we've just met...and I'm honestly too embarrassed and worried to.
The most confusing thing is, in a lot of the cases I've been trying to learn about endo...just in case, and so I know what I might be dealing with, the pain they describe is almost agonizing and debilitating. Apart from the time that had me in the hospital for a couple of hours, it's just painful...it's not completely unbearable. But then I remember...I didn't even feel the cyst in 2006-2007. It anything, it's just like a mild "prodding" pain on my lower-left side and most of the pain is in my hip. The hip is the worst part. I feel like I have to limp, like it's stuck in a vice and the pelvic pain itself is like it's right now where my groin and my thigh meet below my stomach.
Not sure if that makes sense just in words.
So yes, I don't know if all this means I belong here yet - but it's terrifying me. I've never had anything more than an ultrasound or an X-Ray done. I've never even had stitches and I don't like the idea of my body being tampered with while I'm knocked out. Worst of all, I don't know how I'm going to cope if this makes having children difficult...or follows me for the rest of my life. I feel ridiculous that I didn't look at my cycle issues earlier and wonder if not "fixing" them might be the cause of this in me. Like I brought it upon myself and it could mean that I will never have children...or I will suffer through more losses of them through miscarriage.
Up until I found this site today, I was thinking that my hip pain was unrelated because there is arthritis in my family. For months I've been having left shoulder and arm pain on my left side (but my heart and blood pressure are fine) so I thought it was the same as my hip. But seeing that the hip issue has only been there since after the abdomen pain started, it seems to be connected somehow...and seeing back, leg and hip pain related on the main area...I'll admit, I burst into tears. Both out of fear that it might be a sign, and out of relief that I'm not imagining things and that the pain really is there and could have a cause.
Still though, I'm lost, I'm scared and I'm confused. I don't know what I can, or should be doing and this waiting around for the surgery is driving me half crazy with anxiety, guilt, and fear. No one that I know is familiar with this. I have one friend who has fertility issues due to PCOS, but that doesn't help in this situation because I have no one else to talk with about not even knowing what is going on with me. Heck, no one else in my family suffers from infertility issues, even. They're like bunnies. So I found this place...and I don't know whether I belong here or not yet, but I don't know what else to do and I want to be prepared, and have a place to vent in case it is the news I'm fearing it is.
My cycles have never been regular since puberty - when I started I was told it can take a little while to "regulate". Apart from the fact that I wold only get a period maybe once every 4-5 months, there was nothing that really made me want to change that, as it wasn't causing much problem. I'm also asexual, and yes, for all intent purposes, a virgin...but that's a difficult thing to explain.
Basically, my only "intercourse" wasn't consented, and resulted in a pregnancy (somehow..I still don't understand it with my periods being like they were). I miscarried at 20 weeks, which most of you probably know, is rare, but I had a fall. No D/C was done, and I wasn't really told there had to be one. I was 17 at the time. My periods continued to be irregular, and I wasn't planning on having children until I felt the time was "right", plus, being asexual kind of decreases the need to worry about when I'm going to have to "time" them.
In December of 2006, I had odd spotting...that lasted about 2 weeks. I was concerned, but wasn't very bothered. Then, I'd have a period, and it would remain spotting...I was constantly wearing pads. (I've only ever used a tampon once...and it was the most painful and uncomfortable experience next to the pap smear after my assault) By the beginning of February 2007 it was a constant period and I was changing every half an hour for about 3 days...I could not even go anywhere. I remember I had to change right after 10 minutes at one point. I was in tears and as I was living with my mom at that point, she booked me into the doctor for the next morning. I was given norethisterone to take and stop the bleeding, and had an ultrasound booked - the bleeding stopped and the ultraound showint that my lining was thicker than normal, and I had a cyst on my right ovary that I was told should clear up by itself.
Back to irregular periods again and had no more troubles until recently.
In 2010...I decided that it was time that I really really wanted to start planning to have a child. I was 24, the same age that my mom was when she fell pregnant with me - but I was severely agoraphobic at that point (I suffer from anxiety, depression, and PSTD which is being treated now), so I didn't actively try, but I was making it one of my "big goals" to get well for. I've been steady in recovery since 2013 now, and no longer say that I *am* agoraphobic, and have gone in leaps and bounds with my anxiety for almost 2 years now. I have much more good days than bad. Or easier put about 8 bad days spread out along 8 months.
But that brings me to December last year...I actively started planning for trying to conceive in October and I went through a donor program that does not use sexual intercourse, and isn't from a clinic. It's a privately set up program by one Australian woman who only charges a monthly subscribing fee. Miraculously... from about October...my cycles regulated to 37 days apart. I met up with a donor in December, which, sad to say, did not turn out too happily. In January after many attempts during my "green week" I was late...though home tests showed me nothing, and the blood test didn't show anything either (according to my mom, the tests didn't work for her either, and she knew she was pregnant with me). Shortly after though, it seems I miscarried...which was the guess of my doctor. Who then almost yelled at me (in a concerned way, however) for suggesting that it may be because my body wasn't "healthy" enough to sustain the baby. She didn't want me blaming it on myself, I guess.
I met up with a different donor (who was a lot less creepy...the first one turned out to be a little well...too creepy and highly inappropriate with his conduct) in March, and we made plans to keep in contact in the proper etiquette of the program (first guy kept insisting on taking me out and trying to date me, pretty much...but kept insisting he doesn't want anything to do with a child that would come from the donating...but still wanted to stick around, which would just confuse any said child). However, in May...the problems started.
It started with abdominal pain on my lower left side. It was the weekend, and I had to call out a doctor to my house, who just gave me pain killers and told me to see my regular doctor. Who was away for a week. A week later, I was in severe pain from my abdomen, left hip and left side of my back. My parents came back from visiting my grandparents in the country for the weekend, and took me to the ER. Where they ran a pregnancy test to make sure that the attempt in February wasn't the cause...it wasn't. Did blood tests and gave me a letter for my regular doctor to get an ultrasound done. Ultrasound was external and internal (and embarrassingly enough...it was during my period that the appointment was booked. Size and shape was "normal" no cysts found or anything abnormal. So my doctor said it could be endo...and then advised that she book me in at the hospital for a laparoscopy, which could take up to six months. If nothing there is found, she'll order for a CT scan.
That was a month ago now, I'm a few days before my next period and the pain started up again in Saturday...I tried to ignore it until Sunday, but called a doctor out and was suggested that I speak to my own doctor (who is away on vacation for the next 3 weeks) about getting Implanon until the surgery...which I'm hesitant about...as well as giving me more painkillers.
So now, I'm playing the waiting game, and I'm scared of the surgery - I'm scared of what they'll find. I'm sick and tired of going through this and I'm confused as to what's going on. I haven't contacted the second donor, though we've not even attempted with it yet, we've just met...and I'm honestly too embarrassed and worried to.
The most confusing thing is, in a lot of the cases I've been trying to learn about endo...just in case, and so I know what I might be dealing with, the pain they describe is almost agonizing and debilitating. Apart from the time that had me in the hospital for a couple of hours, it's just painful...it's not completely unbearable. But then I remember...I didn't even feel the cyst in 2006-2007. It anything, it's just like a mild "prodding" pain on my lower-left side and most of the pain is in my hip. The hip is the worst part. I feel like I have to limp, like it's stuck in a vice and the pelvic pain itself is like it's right now where my groin and my thigh meet below my stomach.
Not sure if that makes sense just in words.
So yes, I don't know if all this means I belong here yet - but it's terrifying me. I've never had anything more than an ultrasound or an X-Ray done. I've never even had stitches and I don't like the idea of my body being tampered with while I'm knocked out. Worst of all, I don't know how I'm going to cope if this makes having children difficult...or follows me for the rest of my life. I feel ridiculous that I didn't look at my cycle issues earlier and wonder if not "fixing" them might be the cause of this in me. Like I brought it upon myself and it could mean that I will never have children...or I will suffer through more losses of them through miscarriage.
Up until I found this site today, I was thinking that my hip pain was unrelated because there is arthritis in my family. For months I've been having left shoulder and arm pain on my left side (but my heart and blood pressure are fine) so I thought it was the same as my hip. But seeing that the hip issue has only been there since after the abdomen pain started, it seems to be connected somehow...and seeing back, leg and hip pain related on the main area...I'll admit, I burst into tears. Both out of fear that it might be a sign, and out of relief that I'm not imagining things and that the pain really is there and could have a cause.
Still though, I'm lost, I'm scared and I'm confused. I don't know what I can, or should be doing and this waiting around for the surgery is driving me half crazy with anxiety, guilt, and fear. No one that I know is familiar with this. I have one friend who has fertility issues due to PCOS, but that doesn't help in this situation because I have no one else to talk with about not even knowing what is going on with me. Heck, no one else in my family suffers from infertility issues, even. They're like bunnies. So I found this place...and I don't know whether I belong here or not yet, but I don't know what else to do and I want to be prepared, and have a place to vent in case it is the news I'm fearing it is.