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Post by lizzylou on Apr 10, 2010 8:30:01 GMT -5
One of my best friends lives in Florida. We used to talk over e-mail all day every day at work. 6 months ago she became a mom (after 5 years of trying) and she became a stay at home mom. Also at that time communication has all but stopped. I've been busy, she's obviously adjusting to her new family. I've tried calling here and there (trying to give her space at first) and she never answered the phone or called me back. we next a bit, but not too much. When she does come home to visit she won't ever make plans with me because her family comes first. Last time she was home for 2 weeks. I saw her twice, both times with her whole family around. All I'm asking her for is about an hour and a half to get dinner, or lunch, or breakfast, whatever! Just some 1 on 1 time with my friend to really catch up and talk as women.
I understand that her family is important to her, and she only sees them a few times a year also, but I'm a little hurt that she can't carve out an hour or 2 out of a 2 week trip. And I've got personal time at work so I can really do it whenever works for her.
I'm getting married next summer, and I have very few female's that I'm close enough with to actually want in my wedding. She was an automatic choice for me (I haven't asked anyone yet though), and now that I think about it, I'm not sure. If she can't make plans with me for ONE meal, how is she going to be able to make time to be in my wedding?
She's going to be home for another 2 weeks next Friday. I told her that I miss just talking to her and I never get to have any quality time with her and I miss my best friend. I feel like if she can't manage time out for me this trip, maybe she's not a good enough friend to have in the wedding.
Am I being selfish and not respecting her want to spend all her time with her family? Or do I have the right to be a bit upset? I really want an honest opinion on this one.
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Post by hellsbells on Apr 10, 2010 8:43:13 GMT -5
Whether you have the right or not, I don't know, but yeah, I'd be put out too. Sometimes though, people just drift apart. I haven't seen one of my oldest friends in about 4 years or more and we only live a few miles apart, we just lost touch and now I don't know how to find her, so with the physical distance between you and all the life changes, maybe you've just grown apart a bit. It's sad but it happens. See what reaction you get when you ask her about the wedding.
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Post by JC on Apr 10, 2010 13:08:26 GMT -5
I'm curious what she said to you when you told her you miss talking to her. I can understand the busy stuff with family. I think if you just talk to her and say that you understand she's busy and that really value her friendship. If you mention having her in the wedding you can maybe tell her that you noticed that life has changed for her and observing how difficult it is just to have a simple lunch with her that you're a little worried to ask her to be in the wedding. How about send her a card in the mail? Those are alwasy awesome to get. They are so personal and sweet to give someone. Send a "thinking of you" card or something and mention that you miss her. I think that'd be sweet and she'd appreciate it. Then if it sparks a phone call then you can drop the "be in my wedding" bomb on her ;D
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Post by lizzylou on Apr 10, 2010 15:19:41 GMT -5
First I should say she's seriously the nicest person in the world. She would NEVER be mean to anyone or hurt them on purpose. I told her that I miss talking to her and everything and she said that she agrees and she should work on that (like I said MAJOR sweetheart). I told her I understand that we're both busy and she wants to see her family as much as she can when she's here because her family is important to her. She did make a comment about how she "can't help it". And I told her that she can help it, she just chooses not to, but I DO understand why. I have plenty of great friends that I've just drifted apart from. Life just sometimes takes you apart from each other, and I completely understand and respect that. My concern is that if we have drifted apart enough that she can't invest an hour and a half to have a dinner with me, will she be a good enough friend to make time for my wedding. I dunno...
I haven't mentioned anything to anyone I want in my bridal party. I'm not super close with any female, and the 4 girls I want in the wedding, I have NO idea what order to put them in and my choice for maid of honor seems to change every few weeks. My fiance and I decided not to ask anyone for a while yet because of this issue. Thankfully he totally gets my dilema with the girls and understands my pro's and con's on maid of honor trouble. lol, anyone want to give me their opinion on that one?
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jlo
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by jlo on Apr 10, 2010 15:35:30 GMT -5
I was in a similar situation when I got married. There is no rule about having any attendants. My husband and I each only had one. My cousin was my maid of honor and his brother was the best man. We had other male relatives, brothers and cousins, serve as ushers only. It worked out really well. No hurt feeling, no expectaions, etc. Just a thought....
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Post by lizzylou on Apr 10, 2010 17:48:39 GMT -5
We don't want ushers. The attendant thing isn't a HUGE issue, accept I seem to be having little issues with all the girls I would pick. There are little things here and there that make me not sure who I would pick as a maid of honor.
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Post by hellsbells on Apr 11, 2010 5:12:14 GMT -5
My best mate didn't pick me, she picked two of our other friends. Mainly because I lived abroad when she was planning her wedding and we probably weren't as close then as we are now. Plus one of the girls had picked her and the other girl to be her bridesmaids. Anyways, I think Lisa has always regretted her choice, so think long and hard and make sure you're 100% comfortable with the decision, it's an important day and you can't go back and change it!
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Post by lizzylou on Apr 11, 2010 8:27:39 GMT -5
that's exactly why we aren't asking anyone right now. I've got 4 girls I would pick from, I would like them all in my wedding, although I honestly feel that I might regret any of them for different reasons. I shouldn't say that. One of them I don't feel I would regret at all, but she recently did something kind of crummy to my fiance (she's engaged to his brother so its a family thing).
I have a sister, who lives in England so I can't have her in my wedding because she won't know for sure if she will be able to make it home.
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Post by JC on Apr 11, 2010 9:29:22 GMT -5
I had this same dilemma. All I wanted was my baby sister in the wedding. I didn't want to ask my friends. But my husband insisted that I NEEDED a maid of honor and since my sister was only 13 at the time, it wasn't appropriate to ask her. It was actually a pretty sore spot between us because he basically forced me to ask a friend. I regret it SO much because doing the wedding with her (control freak) was a complete disaster. I actually don't speak to her anymore but yet I have to look back at all my wedding photos and see her standing next to me. UGH! I would have been much happier seeing just my baby sister standing next to me. I love the idea of having only ONE girl in the bridal party. Trying to organize a bunch of girls in this sort of thing is a freakin HUGE pain in the ass. Us girls... geez we're so difficult especially when you're fussing over stuff like hair and dresses. My maid of honor was so freakin unreasonable. "I don't want to wear that, it makes me look fat, I refuse to have my hair up it will look bad, I refuse to paint my nails in a french manicure because it doesn't last, me me me me me me." I regret it SO MUCH.
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Post by lizzylou on Apr 11, 2010 14:53:03 GMT -5
My fiance is thankfully very supportive when people are "wronging" me. If any of the bridal party starts being "me, me, me" i will promptly kick them out, and I know I will have his fully support (even if it's his family). I'm not dealing with a bunch of drama queens.
My issue is that if I only had one girl, I still wouldnt know who to pick out of these 4, and it's really the only 4 women in my life I would want to pick!
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Post by hellsbells on Apr 11, 2010 15:02:26 GMT -5
Hear hear! It's your day they have to do what YOU want!
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Post by JC on Apr 11, 2010 15:41:02 GMT -5
EXACTLY! It's YOUR DAY. YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!! I really am regretful for not speaking up with the biotch I used for my maid of honor. I really wanted to my wedding to be drama free so I basically let her do what she wanted. In the end, I was disappointed. It just wasn't worth it but I didn't want to exactly fight over it either. I think that a true maid of honor, or even a bride's maid should have the attitude of "You are my friend, you are getting married, this is a special day and I will do whatever I can to make it wonderful for you." Don't hire anyone that feels any differently from that. It's not worth it. I'm glad your fiance is supportive. That makes a HUGE difference.
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Post by lizzylou on Apr 11, 2010 18:32:38 GMT -5
My issues are this
Brittney - My #1 choice so far for MOH. She's marry my fiance's brother this summer, so she will be a sister in law. We get along well, we talk a lot these days, but we aren't super close. I imagine she will do what I want without question because it's my wedding and she's nice like that. My only concern with her is recently she did something kind of crappy to my fiance. It's really between them but of course I'm on his side, and I kind of feel like that's a crap-move when your family.
Amber - My #2 choice for MOH. She's married to the best man, and I probably am the closest to her, although not my much. When my fiance and I started dating she was MAJORLY terrible to me. She actually "warned" me about him and tried to say her husband (his best friend) told her to. She refused to hang out with him if I was along because she didn't approve of it (my divorce wasn't official yet). We've since made up and "started fresh". Shes the type of friend who will rarely do any work if it doesn't directly benefit her. I can see her making it all about her and causing drama. I think she expects to be the MOH
Nicky - My Fiance's Sister. We get along well, not very close (although she just moved back to town so who knows). She can be a bit self centered but LOVES planning events so she would probably help, although maybe will be put out if I don't do what she wants. Again, might make it all about her and cause drama. Not really on the radar for MOH duties
Heather - My good friend (who this original post was about). Super sweetheart, would do anything I wanted without ever once thinking about herself. She's half a country away so she wouldn't be able to help out a ton (which isnt a huge deal, i love planning events like this). I still have the obvious concerns (again; original post) about our friendship and her actually making the time she would need to be focused on wedding stuff.
So these are the girls I want in the wedding, i feel there is a slight issue with all of them. My maid predicament right now is my maid of honor. hmm....
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Post by jjuls22 on Apr 11, 2010 20:32:32 GMT -5
just because she lives in florida doesnt mean she cant help plan. I'd be truthful with her. I was the same with with my wedding i had my sister, whom was already married and then my bestest friend ever. I had a maid of honor and a matron of honor. Since my sister was tied up with a 2 year old and working full time, she still helped plan the wedding we chatted on the phone and she did take some time to look at pictures. my best friend went to find my dress with me, looked at bridesmaids dresses with me etc. It was a combo of both of them that really helped out. Since your bestest friend just had a child, is she possibly married? since there are NO rules, just have TWO~! even if its two matron of honors... why not? what the hell.. its YOUR day~!
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Post by lizzylou on Apr 11, 2010 20:49:06 GMT -5
She's not my bestest friend, we aren't super close anymore, life has just kind of pulled us in other directiones, but we still care for each other very much. Yes she is married, but I don't want 2, i only want 1, and I do what to have a bridal party, I just don't really know what to do about my maid of honor, I'm just kind of waiting to see how this summer goes.
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