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Post by JackMcFarland on Apr 10, 2007 16:20:32 GMT -5
angelas, sounds slightly familiar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (ironically enough, she lives in ON :X).
What kinda of hand surgery are you having? I'm an OLD pro at those!! haha d**n horses. And the anesthetic made me hysterical BOTH times!
We will be together a year on the 25th of this month. Oldly enough, the 25th is also our moving day.....Ugh. We're texting back and forth now. And I;m trying to think of the best way to word, "I feel like you haven't left your past behind." I might just have to say those exact word.
The fight wasn't really over her. It was kinda over his sister who is annoyingly invovled in our move. SHe found a uhaul for 240 for 4 days no miles, but what the heck do we need a uhaul for 4 days for when we are moving 2 hours north? I'm not sure. Plus, she wants to help us move, which is all find and dandy - but she also wants to spend the first night OUR brand spanking NEW house with us....and I'm like oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Sorry sweetie. I have lots of baby making to do that night!!!!!! I'm deadset on that first night being Joe and I and THATS IT.
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Post by ouchy on Apr 10, 2007 16:49:19 GMT -5
Could you make her sleep somewhere far from your bedroom?
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Post by JackMcFarland on Apr 10, 2007 17:05:04 GMT -5
Could you make her sleep somewhere far from your bedroom? Yes. In her bedroom back home :X
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Post by ouchy on Apr 10, 2007 17:07:59 GMT -5
LOL!
So, this "babymaking...." Are you trying to make a baby?!? Or was that figurative?
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Post by erzulie on Apr 10, 2007 17:40:19 GMT -5
Sheesh, it doesn't seem like a very good time to be making a move. It doesn't sound like you trust him 100%, and then you're buying a house with him? I had some neighbors in a huge mess recently for that reason. Boyfriend and girlfriend bought a house, but it was more the boyfriend's because the girlfriend didn't live there all the time. For a year they were blissful with the arrangement, then they had a messy break-up and had to put the house on the market, because although boyfriend was very happy there, he couldn't pay the mortgage without girlfriend's help (and I'm sure she wanted what she had paid back). I made a vow to myself right then that I would never buy a house with anyone I was just dating, regardless of how serious we were. I'm going to save that for someone I'm either married to or engaged to (with a wedding actually scheduled in the near future).
By the way, I really don't think guys are dumb. Some guys, sure, but so are some girls. I realize I don't date guys so maybe I don't know as much about them, but i have a dad, a brother, a brother-in-law, two nephews...none of them are dumb. In fact, my four-year-old nephew is unusally smart. he's already reading, spelling out words, can figure out what the grown-ups are talking about even when they try to talk in code...I'll be really shocked if he grows up dumb.
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Post by JackMcFarland on Apr 10, 2007 18:02:58 GMT -5
LOL! So, this "babymaking...." Are you trying to make a baby?!? Or was that figurative? Figurative. Lol.
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Post by JackMcFarland on Apr 10, 2007 18:21:34 GMT -5
Sheesh, it doesn't seem like a very good time to be making a move. It doesn't sound like you trust him 100%, and then you're buying a house with him? I had some neighbors in a huge mess recently for that reason. Boyfriend and girlfriend bought a house, but it was more the boyfriend's because the girlfriend didn't live there all the time. For a year they were blissful with the arrangement, then they had a messy break-up and had to put the house on the market, because although boyfriend was very happy there, he couldn't pay the mortgage without girlfriend's help (and I'm sure she wanted what she had paid back). I made a vow to myself right then that I would never buy a house with anyone I was just dating, regardless of how serious we were. I'm going to save that for someone I'm either married to or engaged to (with a wedding actually scheduled in the near future). By the way, I really don't think guys are dumb. Some guys, sure, but so are some girls. I realize I don't date guys so maybe I don't know as much about them, but i have a dad, a brother, a brother-in-law, two nephews...none of them are dumb. In fact, my four-year-old nephew is unusally smart. he's already reading, spelling out words, can figure out what the grown-ups are talking about even when they try to talk in code...I'll be really shocked if he grows up dumb. Oh. Don't get me wrong, I trust him erzulie. I trust that when it comes down to it, he'll pick me, and that he would never hurt me intentionally. The girl is married and she does live very far away, so even for him to try to get intouch with her physically, that would be very hard to do. Do I like the fact that he talks to her? No. Can I live with it because ultimately I know I'm the one? Yes. Does he have feelings for her? Like we've said, I'm sure he will always have feelings for her. Does he have more feelings for me? According to him, yes. He would have never married her because he said it would have never worked. As far as moving and buying a house, my name is co-signed. We have the money to afford a house comfortably. In one year, when I graduate, we have discussed the possibilites of a wedding after a romp through Europe next summer. The idea we have as far as a house goes is, for $1,000 for a icky, bug infested, 1970's apartment, we could start paying a mortgage. I live in and out of his house now. He expects nothing from me - he doesn't even expect me to clean, which I do anyhow because well...he won't. He pays for EVERYTHING. Even my gas, when he knows very well I can afford it no issues. We just had a nice long talk that I'm sure will continue when he gets home tonight. A talk that includes his sister backing off, us growing together as a couple, and how one day I'll apparently be his wife? He has this remarkable way of knowing just what is going through my head, and good enough, he always fixes it. When I met him last year, he was 30 year old kid. In one year he's saved up money for a down payment on a house, is going back to school to finish what he started, and is moving away from his family that depends on him far too much. He is a different person. And he just told me that I changed him for the better... Good way of reminding the one you love just what they mean to you, eh?
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Post by AussieBird on Apr 10, 2007 19:18:13 GMT -5
Guys don't like being told what to do. Personally I would avoid phrasing such as "you need to stop talking to her" and say something more like "it hurts me to see your interest in her and I need your support". It's definitely time to discuss it when it gets to the point that your anger is making smaller conflicts turn into bigger fights. It's not that you don't trust him, but the loose boundaries are causing strain that doesn't need to be there. A man would be naive if he really believed that a close friendship with his ex would not somehow become messy. Don't be surprised when he gets defensive - he will probably be trying to justify his actions to himself as much as to you. It all comes down to judgement really. When you tread carefully, you rarely trip up. But when you're not watching where you're going, you trip over all kinds of things you didn't see in your path... and you may very well fall flat on your face, despite best intentions.
** Sorry, somehow missed the 2nd page when I posted this.
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Post by angelas on Apr 10, 2007 20:39:35 GMT -5
Hey tess - I just wanted to say that I feel the same as you with respect to the trust issue. I don't think that Jeff is going to pack it up and take a little romantic jont down to NY anytime soon, and my jealousy isn't really about him talking to her. Its her I don't trust. As its been pointed out - men are not stupid, but a lot of women are, and some tend to take simple actions and blow them into professing love and crap like that. Maybe both our guys are just being 'nice and friendly' all the while those exes see it as still having a claw in their backs!
Either way - I am so happy to hear that you guys chatted about things and that you are feeling a lot better now! As for me, we don't have those conversations anymore because really I have no right to tell him who he can or cannot talk to or has as a friend... I just try to suck it up. She's not going anywhere so I have to bite the bullet right?? I think thats all I can do.
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Post by cherry on Apr 11, 2007 3:41:48 GMT -5
Yep I think one thing I've picked up from all these rubbish magazines i read is that when addressing such an issue is to not make accusations. Like 'you treat me like dirt' should be rephrased as 'I feel like you don't treat me as well as you used to/should. This hurts me' That way you are giving your basis for argument, saying what you feel and why without saying 'it is all your fault' In the eyes of the opposite sex some of the things we do are downright odd and there's no fixing that so you have to learn to love it all. I completely understand your jealousy tess, but remember that while he has a soft spot for her it's because he knows her and her weaknesses, and will always feel a need to protect her. Like if you have a sibling you can't stand! While she may want more, he has a loyalty to you, the girl he is committing to and setting up home with, and she will always be the one who is pitied, cos it seems like she married whatever came along next with disastrous consequences. He may feel a love for her still, and it will be mixed with sentiment and pity for her bad situation. If you make it clear that it's her you don't trust, not him, then you may be opening up a new way of discussing with the problem. Just think, she wanted to marry him and he wasn't ready, now there is you, who he is settling down with. You're the one and she's a passing interest hopefully she'll buzz off sooner rather than later. And she definitely shouldn't stay over! She's not a close friend of you both, she just popped back up cos she's bored/lonely and next thing she'll want 'a quiet chat/walk' no sirree! xx
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Post by kb on Apr 11, 2007 9:39:39 GMT -5
i dunno, dont know the full situation so hard to comment. But will say that 6yrs is a long time, i wouldnt want to lose contact with someone id spent so much time with, coz that person would always mean something to me. She may just really need a friend, and lets face it no one probs knows her better than him, i can understand her needing support. Remember girls, the guy is with u, not their ex. Dont read too much into these situations, ex's can be friends and close friends. Nothing makes someone dig there heels in more either than being told they cant do something, if u say they cant be friends with their ex, they might feel like ur controlling them, just a thought. Hope it all works out though, and am sure it will
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Post by JackMcFarland on Apr 13, 2007 10:23:58 GMT -5
It's hard not to read into these situations sometimes, ya know? As much as you know you shouldn't, as much as you know he loves you - that he's with you, there is still that small voice in the back of your head saying, "What if?", and that voice is sometimes hard to ignore. (Um, yay for runons?) As a women it's not easy to not over analyze, it seems to be embedded into our nature.
Of course 6 years is a very long time, and I'm sure they know each other very well (which is also something that I'm not really worried of, but jealous of), but she did not start talking to him until I came around. It was almost like, "Up! I'm miserable - let's see how happy he is!", and when she found out he was, she kept in contact. He told me prior that they barely talked, maybe once a year. Now, they talk all the time, online though - not over the phone.
I get this feeling, and I know I'm not alone (I'm sure guys may feel the same way), that I will never be enough for him. We have gotten to know each other incredibly well over a year, we read each others minds - it's scary.
And the more I think about it, I'm probably not the more jealous one here. I'm sure she is kicking her self in the butt moreso than I am. I mean, in one year we are moving in together, saving to buy a house - she was with him for 6 years, and didn't even consider it....
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Post by angelas on Apr 13, 2007 10:31:08 GMT -5
Tess I couldn't agree with you more!! It is so friggin hard not to read into things!! Especially when you take a look at what the reasons would be for you acting that way - it doesn't sound good does it!??! I'm having another hell day after my bf told me last night how concerned he is about that (w)itch possibly losing her job!!! I never saw so much concern in his face before! And I know I mentioned that he told this girl he loved her for years... and still hasn't said it to me! So of course I've been doing some thinking... along the same lines as you Tess that maybe I'm just not good enough for what he needs. I think that there are things about me that he wants changed so I can be more like her!!! Like she is the model of what love is in his mind! I feel so sick thinking about it all... and I don't have the balls to come right out and ask him if he feels that way cause it would only cause a massive fight! something I have no energy for.
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Post by JackMcFarland on Apr 13, 2007 11:38:11 GMT -5
Oy. At least he did say to you, "I love you cause you remind me of her. You're both smart, funny...." My draw dropped to the floor and I looked at him and said, "I hope that's not the reason, and that you love me for me."
She lost her job recently, too. And when I asked him what was going on and how I felt, he just siply replyed, "She lost her job, how would that make you feel? She needs someone to talk to." Okay, why does she have to talk to you? Last I checked, a girl has friends....
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Post by angelas on Apr 13, 2007 20:52:37 GMT -5
Did he seriously say that to your face!??! that you remind him of her? And ya - boo friggin hoo that she lost her job (to both of them) that happens all the time!! When I lost my job and I was crying my eyes out all I got was 'don't worry about it' YA! How about you not worry about her and her life anymore! Look after what you have at home first please!!
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