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Post by kb on Feb 19, 2007 0:56:09 GMT -5
Wow, took me ages to find this thread. This topic is one id really like to talk about. Its been a major issue for me, my husband is very understanding, but no matter how understanding, my reluctance for sex has been damaging to our relationship, i feel like alot of the closeness has gone because the intimacy just cant be there.
Sure, we can do other things, but i feel inadequate as a wife, coz i know he'll never have great sex, and im jealous that ill never know what its like to enjoy it.
Ive only more recently been comfortable enough to tell anyone about this problem (i know thats silly), my mother and one close friend, and its helped to talk about it.
When i was asked by that close friend to describe it, i said it feels like im being stabbed with a rod with a thousand tiny razor blades, plus the fist i feel in my belly for hours after. Is that how others feel? Im curious.
Lubrication only helps a little for me, positioning has been a factor, some positions are unbearable and i scream with the pain, and others i can grit my teeth and bare it for the sake of my husband having some pleasure.
Im desperate to fix this symptom, it just seems another way that endo is destroying my life.
I use tampons occasionally in a month, just to adjust myself to the pain of something going in, it puts me in a sweat to insert one, but the pain stops once its in.
Has anyone ever found a way to stop the pain during, or has anyone succeeded in finding the pleasure beyond the pain, i cling to the hope that one day ill find that pleasure beyond the pain.
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Rin
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Post by Rin on Feb 19, 2007 11:06:02 GMT -5
First off my heart goes out to all you ladies. I've been lucky enough to be able to maintain a fairly normal sex life with my husband. I do have pain every once and a while but not all the time. No sex for me before my period or directly after, It hurts to much so I can sorta relate.
My main comment was is that society puts to much stock in penetration. To me sex is so much more then just penetration. It seems that once we have sex everything else is just foreplay. WRONG WRONG WRONG. A lot of women can't have orgasms during sex and have to rely on oral sex and touching to reach orgasm. If penetration hurts don't do it and try something else. There are so many other options out there that can satisfy both you and your partner.
The 69 position can please both of you and if you get bored spice it up. Buy some toys!!!! There are fantastic toys on the market that provide awesome clitoral stimulation and no penetration needed!!!!! Your partners will just have to understand that penetration is out and foreplay is in. Don't give up ladies sexual pleasure is out there and you don't have to have a penis entering a vagina to get it. I am a pretty adventurous gal myself and if penetration is eventually is out for me you can bet your butt that i will dive right in to other options!!!!!!! I play with some of them already HEEHEE!!! I hope this can help.
Rin
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Post by angelas on Feb 19, 2007 14:43:31 GMT -5
Hi kb! I am so glad that you found this thread!! I couldn't find it for the life of me, and I went off about this topic on another thread (now I don't even remember where I wrote about it).
I just want to say that I know all too well how you feel about the pain with sex. I know even more about the jealousy. I think I may be extreme when it comes to the jealousy though. If I see a commercial with people passionatley kissing or when there are shows on that make any reference to sex, whatever, the channel has to be changed!! I get so upset!! There are times when I will cry because I am so mad that I can't have what everyone else advertises! My other half had an injury to his 'area' playing baseball, so he has extreme pain with sex too. At first I thought it was a match made since I would never have to worry about him leaving me for lack of lovin... but when I say lack I mean ZERO!! He is in pain the moment he is excited! I'm in pain the moment theres contact. It makes me happy that we can be happy together and be so supportive and understanding. I am wondering if once I have my lap done and we try things again whether I will always be traumatized from all the pain, whether there is any way to ever feel normal about it again. It's now been almost a year that we've not even made out... I feel like a nun living with a man that I love but can't touch cause we know what the consequences are..
maybe I need counselling
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Post by kb on Feb 19, 2007 22:19:24 GMT -5
I understand how you feel Angelas, although i dont have the misfortune of having my husband also in pain. Its nice that youve still got that strong love despite it all.
I agree with the counselling comment, ive considered it myself. Even when my endo was controlled with HRT sex always hurt, i remember a period of about 6mths when me and hubby didnt touch each other, weve had to learn to explore and do other things.
And Rin, absolutely correct, society does put too much stock in penetration. To be fair, its not my husbands doing, but my own, he is quite happy to do other stuff, and we do of course, i have learnt to extend foreplay to the point that if penetration becomes something desired, it is short lived. I am actually incapable of vaginal orgasm so have had to find other ways, but i realise it is the fear of the pain that has caused the damage there, and am afraid ill never enjoy it even if the pain goes away.
What my biggest concern is, that because of the history, ive lost some of the desire for my husband, ive lost that interest in sex, ive improved greatly, i am alot better off the HRT (it was ruining my libido). I just dont know how to get the passion back, and i know that its all because of the painful sex, i feel sorry for my husband, he is so tolerant of it all, it probs doesnt help that i am also getting severely depressed. Despite the love, i feel sometimes like im married to my best friend.
Just as a thought Angelas, have u tried Tantric sex, might be a way for you and your partner to have the intimacy still without the pain. Its hard to get the intimacy back once lost.
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Rin
Full Member
Posts: 124
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Post by Rin on Feb 20, 2007 9:13:31 GMT -5
Just don't give up. If you need counseling go for it. I would hate to see endo destroy relationships(it has probably wreaked enough). It is good to here that you ladies aren't giving up without a fight. Stay strong.
Rin
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Post by angelas on Feb 20, 2007 11:10:10 GMT -5
I have to agree with the fact that I also feel like I am living with my best friend. We aren't married yet but have been together 2 years. I always try to turn the positive light on it by thinking that when we are 80 that best friendship is going to be what matters most anyway. I should be happy with the fact that I've been lucky enough to have that. There are way too many relationships out there that are based on sex and if that was gone so would the relationship. I also feel that if I was to go into counselling that the points I've made are the ones they will have me focus on too. Endo ruined my last relationship. I was engaged and all. I couldn't have sex and I totally lost interest in everything with him. He ended up getting it elsewhere and I found out. I guess if I knew then what I know now things may have been different. Attraction isn't the most important thing for me in my relationship... I think I just need to remember that.
As for Tantric sex - I'm not even sure what that is! please do explain!
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Post by kb on Feb 20, 2007 22:57:08 GMT -5
im not sure i can explain it, ive never done it. But tantric sex is training the body to draw out the orgasm essentially, the point is to make sex last longer. Its meant to make it a more spiritual experience. Its a branch of yoga i believe, i think the point is to experience the spiritual side, and the orgasm becomes unimportant.
Thats prob a poor definition. In its purest form, its meant to bring you closer to god or something. Just thought it might be a way for intimacy to still exist, the training would be very intimate in itself can get books on it. If u do a net search would prob find loads on it if ur interested.
I totally agree on your comment about relationships, and it is nice to be married to your best friend, when your old you will still have that, and thats much more important than sex. As long as the love remains (corny i know)
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Post by angelas on Feb 21, 2007 12:02:06 GMT -5
I know, I always feel so silly talking that way - like a friggin hallmark card! But its true... I've also been doing a lot of trying to accept certain fates that seem to be solid in my life... lack of intimacy being one of them. Since I know that we are both on the path to fix things I believe that it won't be forever this way....
But ya, I will look up the details on the Tantric end of things... sounds interesting
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Post by painpainpain on Feb 22, 2007 10:25:03 GMT -5
I'm glad I found this topic as well!
My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years but together for 12 and I can tell you through the years the sex has diminished, and actually the last 2 months nothing because of that attack I had. He can't even touch my breasts cause they hurt so bad. I'm all screwed up. Hopefully the pill will help even out my hormones?? Who knows?
There were actually times, and I would never repeat this too him cause he loves and respects me so much, that I couldn't understand why when I said no he kept pressing me. Not that I didn't want it but the pain was really holding me back. It was almost getting to the point of resentment. Also feeling powerless. I think it may have contributed to my depression issues a few years after my girls were born. You know though I was to blame cause, of course, I didn't want to tell him that I was in pain. I'm the wife and I should be able to provide my husband with a reasonable sex life regardless of what I'm going through. I also thought he wouldn't understand and that it may make him feel inadequate considering he's probably going to think it's him causing the pain when he's in there. What was I thinking?? Ahh.... soooo young and stupid.
Communication is key in relationships and being young and growing up in a fairly traditional Italian family really hurt me I think. I had this idea in my head that the wife can be and do all no matter what. Just take it and things are fine. Don't question the man cause that's the way it is and deal with it. Things really have changed boy, I will not put myself through the agony of sex and he won't push anymore either, if I say I'm in pain we just don't do it. We have had some very long talks about this, tears from both, and I think we finally understand each other. My gyno actually wanted to talk with him to make him understand what this disease can do to you. He wouldn't go that far but he is listening to me more and more now. We do other things like Rin was talking about. We are best friends as well and it's actually been fun to explore other avenues with him. It's actually brought us closer and made us stronger. We've learned new things about each other over the last little while and have had a blast doing it!!
I think alot of men associate intimacy with intercourse and once you can break them of that thinking a whole new world opens up! It's like a huge treat for him if I'm not in pain and we do have intercourse, I think he enjoys it more knowing that I'm enjoying the moment as well.
I am also going to check out that tantric stuff! It does sound interesting.
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Post by angelas on Feb 22, 2007 11:12:25 GMT -5
I know all about the traditional Italians! I come from a very long line of that also! But I was lucky in being with a non Italian male, meaning he was more willing to listen as well ask questions. That support is the kind I totally need from him right now...the less pressure the better.
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Post by kb on Feb 22, 2007 21:28:02 GMT -5
That must have been hard, saying no and him not knowing the reason. Im glad your communicating better now, it is key, definitely. Ive always been honest with my husband, and he usually accepts no without too many complaints. Although i remember one night i said absolutely no way, im in agony, and he's said oh well we may as well then, your already in pain, cant hurt you anymore, lol. Can you believe it, was incredibly insensitive, i realised later it was probably meant to be funny, but at the time, i wasnt seeing the humour, men honestly. The sore breast issuse, is just another difficulty isnt it. So hard to tell your husband he cant touch em, i warn him when there bad, but he forgets, till i scream out, then its profuse apologies, its not the greatest turn on. What bothers me the most, is how much doctors ignore this issue, ive told my GP and specialist, and have never had any suggestions on how to manage this, its just palmed off, thats very annoying. Sex is an important part of good health, how can they just ignore it!!!! Out of curiosity, has anyone ever found anything that has reduced or relieved the pain. The only thing thats ever improved things for me is positioning, has anyone ever found anything thats helped???
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Post by ouchy on Feb 23, 2007 0:29:13 GMT -5
I've found that Lidocaine virtually reduces all pain with sex. We have a thread on that. I've also found that olive oil reduces the pain by reducing the friction...and it doesn't wear away like synthetic lubricants; however, oil can damage latex if that is an issue...we also have a thread on that.
Oh. I was also prescribed Premarin Vaginal estrogen cream, and that helped a lot as well.
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Post by angelas on Feb 23, 2007 11:00:00 GMT -5
I was told there is nothing that can help. That it is a condition called vaginismus by where the muscles of the vagina contract to prevent entry due to your subconcious association with pain. Thats probably untrue though.
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Post by ouchy on Feb 23, 2007 17:24:05 GMT -5
I was told there is nothing that can help. That it is a condition called vaginismus by where the muscles of the vagina contract to prevent entry due to your subconcious association with pain. Thats probably untrue though. Actually, vaginismus is typically treated with dilator therapy. Sets of graduated sized dilators are inserted as the muscles are relaxed. Vaginismus is not the only thing that causes pain with intercourse. I have vestibulitis, and my gyne. gave me lidocaine for that--worked like a charm. Others on here have had the same luck with it. Also for my vestibulitis, I was given Premarin estrogen cream, which also worked very lovely--I chose to use the estrogen cream, save having surgery to remove the super-sensitive pain parts upon testing w/ a q-tip. There are ALWAYS things that can be done to help alleve the pain. You just have to find a knowledgeable doc!
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Post by kb on Feb 23, 2007 20:46:59 GMT -5
Thanks for that Ouchy, it good to know there are solutions.
If only i had a knowledgable doc, lol.
Ive always been reluctant on the lignocaine, wouldnt that stop any sensation?
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