Post by cherry on Nov 3, 2006 20:54:06 GMT -5
Today I reached the end of my tether for the first time.
I had really important, really precise work to do, that needed so much cross referencing and careful drawing.
normally i'm on it cos I always make things complex so I love that kind of work.
My head was just so jumbled or empty, but I couldn't keep a thought in my head for 2 seconds. I was in agony with the endo cos I was getting very anxious and I just couldn't think.
Usually I can do very well under pressure. Through moving away from my family home and having lost my job at the same time, losing friends at work because of how I left, and my cat got very sick and almost died. Through it all I was thinking straight even on the edge of despair.
Today all I could do was whimper and cry and even then I would forget the very thought that had made me panic so much so I'd wonder why I was crying rather than just very upset.
I feel like I am a freak because I just can't think straight any more. My doctor was very impressed with my attitude and way of thinking, especially compared to my mum because I've adapted myself to have the optimism I would admire in others.
But he dismissed my absent mindedness as something normal that has to be adapted.
What a fake I am cos I'm not smiling or able to turn it round now. I handed in a rubbish piece of work, the student rep for my group and I hand in something that is the bare bones of what the tutor wanted from us.
I now sleep just the right amount to be rested but also keep my mind fresh. I try to pay particualr attention to things as I travel around by bus or walking to keep my mind occupied with productive thoughts. I have meditated and taken vitamins, drink lots of water, take notes and make lists, there are post-it notes everywhere in my books because I forget where the page is or even why it was important. I have cut down on food with additives, and caffeine is out of my diet almost completely especially when I want to concentrate.
I bought and downloaded building regulations and in the middle of the download I couldn't think why I needed them.
I feel so hopeless, my mind just seems to be failing me and it's really frightening me. Here by the grace of God, I would never kill myself but today I just wished I was dead because I cant just paper over the crack with happy smiley faces. To an extent I can cope with my body letting me down, when it hurts I can usually focus away from pain as an auto defence. I can rationalise the bad parts and file them away under 's' for spots and 'p' for peeing all the time.
My mind is just so flighty like a skittish deer, if you turn and look at it directly it bounds off. See I'm smirking now at my own silly humour but I looked into an abyss today and it broke my heart.
I used to be so bright I was invited to join a private school on full scholarship before i took their entrance exam, and was asked to take tests for mensa. Now I don't recognise my own mind anymore.
I used to like my own thoughts and now i'm lucky if the thoughts stick around long enough for me to make a train of thought out of them.
I can't just make this nice and give it a name, like my endo is Virginia like Virginia creeper which climbs over everything and turns scarlet in autumn... It must seem so childish but it scares me so much. There's no-one I can tell about it because i'm not sure what's going on.
Coming on here I can focus so well so I love it for so many reasons. the same with reading and music. But i can't combine even two simple things like that now.
Tripping over my own words or speaking to someone about a simple thing are making me embarrassed to open my mouth in front of people. I just can't stop crying because I dont understand and my doctor doesn't believe me so I can't get help.
I'm sorry if this is boring or makes no sense i just wrote the thoughts as they came to me, cos i would probably forget them otherwise!
Please if anyone has any words of advice no matter how seemingly insignificant I would appreciate them i promise.
I had really important, really precise work to do, that needed so much cross referencing and careful drawing.
normally i'm on it cos I always make things complex so I love that kind of work.
My head was just so jumbled or empty, but I couldn't keep a thought in my head for 2 seconds. I was in agony with the endo cos I was getting very anxious and I just couldn't think.
Usually I can do very well under pressure. Through moving away from my family home and having lost my job at the same time, losing friends at work because of how I left, and my cat got very sick and almost died. Through it all I was thinking straight even on the edge of despair.
Today all I could do was whimper and cry and even then I would forget the very thought that had made me panic so much so I'd wonder why I was crying rather than just very upset.
I feel like I am a freak because I just can't think straight any more. My doctor was very impressed with my attitude and way of thinking, especially compared to my mum because I've adapted myself to have the optimism I would admire in others.
But he dismissed my absent mindedness as something normal that has to be adapted.
What a fake I am cos I'm not smiling or able to turn it round now. I handed in a rubbish piece of work, the student rep for my group and I hand in something that is the bare bones of what the tutor wanted from us.
I now sleep just the right amount to be rested but also keep my mind fresh. I try to pay particualr attention to things as I travel around by bus or walking to keep my mind occupied with productive thoughts. I have meditated and taken vitamins, drink lots of water, take notes and make lists, there are post-it notes everywhere in my books because I forget where the page is or even why it was important. I have cut down on food with additives, and caffeine is out of my diet almost completely especially when I want to concentrate.
I bought and downloaded building regulations and in the middle of the download I couldn't think why I needed them.
I feel so hopeless, my mind just seems to be failing me and it's really frightening me. Here by the grace of God, I would never kill myself but today I just wished I was dead because I cant just paper over the crack with happy smiley faces. To an extent I can cope with my body letting me down, when it hurts I can usually focus away from pain as an auto defence. I can rationalise the bad parts and file them away under 's' for spots and 'p' for peeing all the time.
My mind is just so flighty like a skittish deer, if you turn and look at it directly it bounds off. See I'm smirking now at my own silly humour but I looked into an abyss today and it broke my heart.
I used to be so bright I was invited to join a private school on full scholarship before i took their entrance exam, and was asked to take tests for mensa. Now I don't recognise my own mind anymore.
I used to like my own thoughts and now i'm lucky if the thoughts stick around long enough for me to make a train of thought out of them.
I can't just make this nice and give it a name, like my endo is Virginia like Virginia creeper which climbs over everything and turns scarlet in autumn... It must seem so childish but it scares me so much. There's no-one I can tell about it because i'm not sure what's going on.
Coming on here I can focus so well so I love it for so many reasons. the same with reading and music. But i can't combine even two simple things like that now.
Tripping over my own words or speaking to someone about a simple thing are making me embarrassed to open my mouth in front of people. I just can't stop crying because I dont understand and my doctor doesn't believe me so I can't get help.
I'm sorry if this is boring or makes no sense i just wrote the thoughts as they came to me, cos i would probably forget them otherwise!
Please if anyone has any words of advice no matter how seemingly insignificant I would appreciate them i promise.