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Post by cherry on Apr 13, 2011 6:43:05 GMT -5
Well my lovely ladies, I just wanted to discuss whether endo makes us emotionally stunted or overly sensitive. Both? Life is already so huge and then to deal with a permanent condition or the fear of that condition returning full force... especially when its something so all-encompassing as endo. I know it has had me depressed and currently knowing whatever answers I get will be complicated, I feel set back from the other girls and like I'm hiding something because I don't want to share what I'm going through with people who don't have the first idea. And recently I can't be bothered explaining. So the burden of living with it I feel can take up so much of our mental energy and leave either stone cold to everyday things that we should feel, or overreacting and either way we look weird? I know it's not just me? I mean even now I'm crying (partly gabapentin) with considering how much it has changed who I am. I don't cope like I used to. I took a lot of very bad stuff on the chin my whole life and just wombled along. Then endo pops up and it's like it ruined me slowly, and now I'm building back up, but it has revealed to me the ugly truth in every aspect of my life because endo invades every aspect of my life. And because it's so much on my subconscious if not my thoughts, I feel like it's taking up my mental spoons and I just don't react normally anymore. I'm either a banshee or crying like a monsoon or indifferent. The indifference kills me because I used to be all heart, even my first posts here were a lot more caring than who I am now. I hate that, I truly do. I will still do anything for anyone but people don't automatically know that now because I've grown a veneer of um, crazy? Well that's my side to it. I hope in this topic we can maybe also discuss how to get parts of the old you back, the kickass parts that aren't brittle with the bitterness of endo. As they say, ignorance was bliss.
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Post by chicagogal2 on Apr 13, 2011 7:58:46 GMT -5
I think what I said in my post about Mentally Exhausted says it all. Being sick is emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. I have been struggling with my own battles these past few weeks and am exhaused all across the board. I completely understand how you are feeling.
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Post by painttheseconds on Apr 13, 2011 10:52:07 GMT -5
I've always been overly sensitive so I can't really comment on that part, but I will say that endo has made me more of a withdrawn and fearful person. I remember coming out of my surgery and realizing that it took longer then what my doctor had said originally and right then as drugged up as I was I knew I had endo and that I was sick. After I learned everything I didn't even cry. I felt numb some days I still feel numb. I'm not sure if I've accepted it completely.
I don't talk to people about it either or the issues that come with having endo. Right now I'm really struggling. I can barely eat without ballooning up. I've either had constipation or diarrehea, but I haven't told anyone. The reason is I don't feel like there is anyone in my life who really gets it. I don't feel like people understand what endo does to your body. How scary it can be. I get terrified sometimes because of it especially since it's on my bowel and I've read what has happened with other girls who have had it on their bowel.
What I try to focus on everyday though even if it's just for a little while is telling the endo to go f*** itself. Literally I talk to the endo. I tell it that it's not going to control my life. It's not going to take away everything I've worked so hard for. It won't rob me of my happiness. I've been through to much in my life to let this take me down. It's so hard I'm in a place right now where I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm hoping that my naturopath has it since I see her the 25th.
I'm not sure if this makes any sense, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Hang in there. We will fight this disease together. We are all strong woman and we can kick endo's a**.
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trae
New Member
Posts: 41
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Post by trae on Apr 13, 2011 15:14:09 GMT -5
I just found out less than 3 weeks ago that I have endo and although knowing what the problem is does help some, I have already noticed a change in who I am. I feel numb most of the time and catch myself just staring off into space. I have laughed a little thanks to my wonderful husband, but I cry more than laugh these days. I'm just so scared for what my future holds. I am having to face decisions that no woman should ever have to make and it makes me mad!!! I try to stay positive and I keep telling myself that I will make the best decision for myself eventually. In the meantime, the pain is starting to flare up for another wonderful round and I'm just so tired. Just plain tired. I can't focus on the things I'm supposed to focus on and can't stop focusing on the endo. I really think that for every good day we all have (less pain, good mood, positive thoughts), there are probably 10 bad. Am I right? Anyway, none of us have to go through this alone anymore and I am so thankful for that. I am sure these last few weeks would have been so much worse if I hadn't found you ladies. Keep your chins up, we will help each other through this!!
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Post by pretty on Jul 20, 2011 14:24:34 GMT -5
Was thinking just now about where I go for support. I call my mom, I call my best friend... but I always come here whether or not I get support first.
I'm baffled by the up and down, back and forth, depression/elation/hope/fear/stress/joy rollercoaster. I handle endo REALLY well. But when it comes to travelling south for another surgery I start to lose it. Woke up early this morning realizing that I had scheduled myself to be at the airport at 9 pm picking up my aunt (who is travelling with me to my surgery) at the same time that I'm supposed to be doing a bowel prep! Can't really drive a car in THAT condition! lol. But what gets me is in my normal, professional mind I would NEVER make a logistics mistake like that! Of course I have fixed it already - but it's an interesting thing to think about, they say we all have 7 spots in our brain for current ideas, events, things... and once one pops out, there's room for another. I wonder if endo is taking up a couple extra slots in my brain. Maybe there's only room for endo, plus one or two other ideas.
*sigh* trying to reset my brain back to 'pragmatism' instead of the current 'fight or flight' mentality that's really stressing me out. need to see this all as progress, instead of a giant marathon I have to run with concrete shoes on!
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Post by hellsbells on Jul 20, 2011 14:27:54 GMT -5
Yep, that about sums it up! I do now know the full meaning of the words 'persistance' 'perseverance' and any other words that means doggedly trying to improve your well being.
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Post by 1234 on Jul 20, 2011 14:39:08 GMT -5
I don't know about the seven spots in teh brain, but the nightmare logistics you have been dealing with would take up all of my available seven. I think you're sort of a miracle woman getting all that together, even with the concrete shoes.
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Post by Karen on Jul 20, 2011 17:53:26 GMT -5
Ooh, Pretty, I don't envy you, but I'm super confident you'll piece everything together! I'm not good with the fight or flight stuff - makes me super nervous. I suspect you're similar to me - like to have things controlled, neatly lined up, every detail accounted for. And if you don't, well, you get that panicky feeling. Am I close?
Whatever the case, you'll get there, I promise!
Oh, and I'm glad you can get the support you need here!
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Post by pretty on Jul 21, 2011 11:09:31 GMT -5
Yep karen I wake up in the night, sweating, thinking "oh sh*t, I have to change to another rental car" and getting all exhausted and freaking out! You have it right. I like everything set down logically and then I obsess for a while, which is very satisfying if you do it right Feel like I'm getting closer to a good plan. hardest part is asking for help. BOO! Thanks ladies, you're helping me...
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Post by omaklackey on Jul 21, 2011 15:04:29 GMT -5
Pretty! I wish I lived just a smidge closer. Your coming to my state but unfortunately I'm on the other side of it! I have been thinking about this "chronic illness can set you back" a lot. I was doing so good there for a while and forcing myself to "get up, get dressed" so to speak. I've recently started to slide back into old habits and my pain has been absorbing a lot of my thinking. It gets very obsessive! The only conversations I can think of to have is about my health and I hear my own words and think "haven't we talked about this already? Seriously you couldn't think of anything better to say?" I really, really hate it. I think that's why I'm trying this medication that I fought, instead of pushing for more disappointing diagnosistic testing. I don't ever want to go back to that way of being totally dependent on where I am in my health for my "happiness". UGH! Yes chronic illness can set you back quite a bit. I just have to drag myself back out of that pit and chin up face the day!
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Post by hellsbells on Jul 21, 2011 15:07:17 GMT -5
Karla, some pretty wise words. I bore myself at times talking about me and my health.
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