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Post by Karen on Aug 4, 2011 18:00:26 GMT -5
Very few things bother me more than people that refuse to take responsibility for themselves and their own actions. It's one thing to say "I'm so sorry, I forgot, I'll get it to you asap" but another to not take responsibility for getting sh*t in...
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Post by jessabug on Aug 4, 2011 19:07:31 GMT -5
I think I'm going to have to disown her.. I've had it up to my eyeballs. After that whole thing, she called me to tell me that after our talk (which SHE insisted on having.. the one I mentioned before where I told her everything that was bothering me) she feels like she's afraid to talk to me and be around me and she's afraid that everything she says will be wrong and that she can't make aright move around me. I'm telling you, this girl seems to WANT to live in a constant state of turmoil. Something always has to be wrong with something in her life. If it's not her health, it's her family. If it's not her family, it's her friends. I'm like ughhh here we go again... she even said, "you want things to be perfect all the time, but that's just not how life is!" .. I'm sorry for wanting as little conflict in my life as possible? I'm sorry for wanting to be happy? It's almost disturbing how much it seems she wants to be unhappy and seems to also want that for the people in her life too. Everything is always an emergency!!!!
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Post by 1234 on Aug 4, 2011 20:20:44 GMT -5
She sounds dramatic and exhausting. I'm sorry, Jess. That's an energy-sucker and also painful to have a friend like that. Do you have other housing options for the fall?
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Post by jessabug on Aug 4, 2011 23:33:34 GMT -5
Not right now. I think it would be pretty easy to find something, but harder to find someone to take my place since this girl (her name is Caitlin, so that I don't have to keep calling her 'this girl' lol) would have to approve them since she'd be the one living with them.
I'm struggling to decide what to do here. I am supposed to make a long and exhausting trip to California for her birthday on the 11th. We are supposed to go to a Katy Perry concert -- just me, her, her sister, and her sister's friend. Because of $$, I have to hitch a ride back with my mom who is going to be in Cali on the 20th to pick up my twin nieces. That means I would have to stay with Caitlin for 10 days. I also have to pay a buttload to have someone take care of my horse, cat, and garden while I'm gone. Her birthday so far is costing me upwards of $200, and as a college student I don't have money like that to just be throwing around but I scrambled to make it work because I knew I'd be in deep sh*t if I didn't (she's not a very understanding person). Quite frankly, at this point I feel like it's not worth the time, energy, or money when I'm up to my eyeballs with her self-absorbed personality (forgot to mention, all we ever talk about is her problems. She knows I'm going through some stuff right now, and yet never thinks to ask what's up with me. Not one question about my life, ever). Does that make me a terrible person???
I've tried discussing the issues (and actually, kinda tried ending the friendship) over the phone but she just argues, turns it around on me, and then cries at me until I give in. And, apparently, "talking it out" is not an option with her because she's now supposedly afraid to talk to me period even though SHE was the one who insisted that if we had problems with each other, we needed to talk about it to keep our friendship healthy. It seems that a more realistic interpretation of that statement is that SHE needed to be able to express her problems with me, but not vice versa.
I'm starting to think that instead, writing a letter would be the best route to go, and that way I don't have to listen to her twist my words and point fingers at me. I've come to realize that either way this pans out, she's going to paint an evil picture of me, so it really doesn't seem to matter how I handle it (but on the upside, a letter makes a paper trail, so I can prove that I didn't actually do/say what she is probably going to claim that I did/said). The only incredibly unfortunate part about all of this is that I have to find some way to make this living situation work with her. It's sad because she leaves such a long trail of broken friendships. I've watched her do it. She gets ONE friend, latches on, suffocates them, they walk cuz they've had it, then she talks LOADS of sh*t behind their back like they're the worst person on the planet. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I've lasted the longest.
I'm pretty much just venting because I don't like to be dramatic around my friends or talk sh*t when I'm upset about something/someone and I find this place to be a bit of a safe-haven, but if any of you lovely ladies have any advice or opinions on how to approach this delicate situation, I'm all ears!
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Post by 1234 on Aug 5, 2011 7:58:48 GMT -5
Hey Jess--I'm sorry about this. I don't have much advice, except to say that with a person like that, you're not going to win. I call these people friendship black holes, because they suck in everyone around them and swallow them up. It sounds like you're going to have to start spending more effort protecting yourself than caring for her. THe birthday thing sounds pretty exhausting, but the living situation even worse. You all are joint on the lease?
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Post by JC on Aug 5, 2011 10:24:39 GMT -5
Seriously, this sounds like the exact same friend I started this thread over. I went through the same exact crap trying to talk to an unreasonable person. I ended up just emailing her a long letter because talking to her just created long, drawn out arguments. Well then the emailing went back and forth along with a long stream of insults. I really think this all speaks for their maturity level. If you can't sit down and talk to someone as an adult without them getting all crazy and whiny it gets so frustrating. What a draining friend. UGH. She reminds me WAY too much of my ex friend. My life is so much better without her. I've had a really hard time ending friendships but sometimes you just have to let people go who are toxic in your life. It's not worth the trouble.
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Post by jessabug on Aug 5, 2011 11:47:34 GMT -5
See that's what sucks about this situation. This all would be a no-brainer if we weren't ROOMMATES. But under the circumstances, it's kind of awkward to tell her I'm ending our friendship and then have her come back in the fall. Lol. But I'm actually so tired of her exhausting drama that I'd almost rather just deal with that. It's just frustrating to know that if I do decide to go with that, I need to be prepared to have mad sh*t talked about me behind my back (she's BRUTAL if you wrong her. She said the most horrible f**ked up things about her old best friend.. constantly talking about how ugly she is, how ugly her family is, making up stuff about how she's probably anorexic, and finding any possible thing she could find to complain about). So I'd be in for quite the long haul.. Yes myrtle, we are joint on the lease so I can't just leave unless I find someone to take my place
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Post by JC on Aug 5, 2011 11:49:51 GMT -5
Oh man what a nightmare! How about the slow withdraw and distancing technique? Think that would work?
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Post by jessabug on Aug 5, 2011 11:57:48 GMT -5
Haha. or how about saying, I'd really like for you to start looking for a new roommate because I don't think either of us are going to want to live together after this? lol....
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Post by jessabug on Aug 5, 2011 13:56:15 GMT -5
Sent her a LONG letter a few minutes ago. Basically spelled it all out for her and made it clear that I dont want to be friends any more, and that if she wanted to find a new roommate I would respect that. This sucks, I've never had to be so straightforward with someone before but she 1. doesn't *get* it when you're nice about it and 2. only continues and continues and continues with the drama. Really sucks to have to get to the point of being stern just to be heard.
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Post by hellsbells on Aug 5, 2011 14:02:11 GMT -5
Sounds like my mate too, she's so draining and consuming at times. I hope this pans out for you!
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Post by jessabug on Aug 13, 2011 12:13:18 GMT -5
Okay, I'm livid. Absolutely crazy woman, want to hunt her down and rip her hair out LIVID. Let me start out by saying, I have never been so angry with a 'friend' in my life (even though I guess technically we aren't friends any more). She finally wrote me back, and was mature in her letter and whatnot, and told me that she couldn't live with someone who didn't want to be friends with her. Okay, that's great for me right, since I wanted out anyway! Now I'm like, awesome, let's get this hunt started. So I wrote her a really nice response about how I'm really glad we were able to be mature about this and that I hope it can be done amicably, and I said that we should try to find someone by Sept. 1st so that we can have all of this done asap. I've already found TONS of girls I'd be down to live with, but they've slipped through my fingers because she doesn't have someone to replace me yet. Right now you can find people in a matter of DAYS because school hasn't started yet.
What's pissing me off royally is that she's IGNORING me. I'm doing all of this work, finding girls for me AND finding girls for her, and she's ignoring me. Even when I beg her to get back to me immediately because this is all so time sensitive. And STILL, the whole time, I AM NICE TO HER. I'm even more furious because part of her complaint was that its going to be difficult for her to find a roommate from so far away (she's trying to find someone to live with her in Eugene even though she's currently living in CA), so you know what I did for her?? I found her girls who need housing in Eugene but live in CA. Aka, they both live less than an hour away from her and she could totally meet them in person if she wanted. BUT..... she's f**king ignoring THEM TOO. They both like try to contact her and write her these nice messages and she doesn't even ANSWER. I know her well enough to know that she is without a doubt doing this on purpose. This is a girl who is constantly all over fb, her phone, etc... so I KNOW she is
God. I am furious. I can't even simmer down. She's being intentionally vindictive so that she can screw with me as much as possible. I swear to god, I never thought I had it in me, but if this girl screws me over and I end up stuck with her, I will absolutely make her life a living hell so that she wishes she never behaved this way. She needs to learn a f**king lesson. I'm also about to say the most messed up thing I have probably ever said...
I am trying to find a way to threaten her without actually threatening her, if that makes sense. Because she's such a vindictive bitch that it's pretty much the only thing I can do. I.e., let her know that if she doesn't find someone to replace me, she'll regret it, because I'll make her life a living hell if I have to live with her because she decided it was more important to play games than to find a new roommate.
I'm sorry you girls have to see me like this, I am generally such a calm, happy person, but this really has me going. I needed a safe place to vent, and say angry sh*t that I've never had the guts to say before, and, well, you guys make me feel safe. So thanks.
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Post by Karen on Aug 13, 2011 12:38:15 GMT -5
Hmm, perhaps you can rely on the language of your lease to get you out of this? Or give her X many days to find a replacement on her own, and if she doesn't, you'll find a replacement for her without her even meeting the girl... Don't know if that's possible, but might get you out of it!
Ah, I don't miss those days at all. Some day you'll look back on this and wonder why you let her take all this much needed energy from you. She's not worth it!
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Post by jessabug on Aug 13, 2011 13:04:08 GMT -5
Yeah, no kidding But I don't see the option because if I don't do this, she won't and then we'll be miserable all school year which I thought she didn't want..? Anyway, I wish I could do what you've suggested, but my only option is to have her sign me out of the lease (I wish.. but I doubt she'd agree to that because then she's stuck paying full rent UNLESS she gets her butt in gear and finds somebody) or to find someone to replace me, which she HAS to approve. I'm not going to miss this.
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Post by JC on Aug 13, 2011 14:39:23 GMT -5
Wow, why the hell would someone WANT drama like this? This biotch is crazy! I wish I had some good advice for you but it seems like your hands are tied until she gets off her ass. You really can't just pick someone and tell her tough luck? Maybe if you want to "threaten" her you could threaten to take her to court and sue her for every month you pay to be stuck there. You have the email correspondence saying she agrees to replace you which you could tell her you'll use as proof. Maybe that will get her ass moving.
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