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Post by pretty on Apr 8, 2010 15:56:40 GMT -5
Hey Ladies. Just wanted to share that as a teenager, I was WAY into cutting, and that was 20 years ago, but I'm still dealing with the repercussions in how people treat me. I'm new to the forum but not new to treatment, medication, therapy, and personal reflection. I think the best way to describe my feelings about cutting is to say that it served it's purpose at the time, and I will live with the scars forever, just becoming a lot better about being compassionate to others who will definitely NOT understand or get past it if they see my scars. I've done everything from avoiding situations where they can be seen to just plain telling health professionals straight-up lies (please don't take blood/ put the IV in my right arm, it's too uncomfortable, etc) when it's just a matter of saving them the shock and disgust/curiousity of wondering what kind of seemingly normal happy woman does this to herself? As an adult who's fought severe depression for YEARS, and come out of it on my own terms, I've got to think first about the impression I want to give people, the way seeing something they WONT understand will affect them and my relationship with them, and how I would feel in their place. The hardest thing to do in life is to put compassion and gentleness over selfishness, and there's no one more selfish than someone who is suffering..... And I know, deep down, that THAT is all about control, too.... I know this is a rough topic, but I'll be here if anyone wants another ear.... been there, done that, and forgiven myself for it all! Pretty
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Post by cherry on May 27, 2010 6:46:26 GMT -5
Pretty it was inspiring to read what you've written there. I look back now to a year ago, I was cutting, waaay depressed, not paying bills, letting my bf talk to me and treat like crap, and not eating as my own personal control measure. I'd argue with my bf, go to the bathroom to cry, then try to stop myself by distracting myself with razors. I still can't quite describe the attraction to cutting in particular. I think it was the instant gratification of it, the immediate destruction and blood and being the only one to know. I had my lap last May, god only knows what the doctors thought when they took the gown off and saw my arms and legs. To me, the danger signs are someone who is overtly happy, because I know I covered it all with absolutely sweet and enthusiastic behaviour, or being assertive in my questioning of doctors so that they wouldn't think I was 'that pathetic girl who wants to die'. Cos people never think to question the sanity of a happy happy gal! I've had friends who in an effort to understand and support, have put my moods and behaviour down to things that have happened in my life. In hindsight yes, I was suffering with depression as a result of being unable to cope with memories and long-lasting effects of bullying and abuse (I hate bearing the behavioural and mental scars and want to just be 'normal') but the most important and painful things that drove me to want to die and destroy my body along the way as though it was inconsequential, was the endo pain, the side effects of the painkillers, the feeling of isolation, having a bf who understood then turned on me in a matter of weeks, lying to everyone that I was fine fine fine. I honestly and truly believed I had no place on this earth, my body was as nothing and was betraying me. I'm crying just thinking about it. It's like my healthy counterbalance of love and self-forgiveness were missing. I didn't understand why people would give a crap when I clearly hated myself in every sense. In my current state of mind, I totally forgive myself. When things hurt now, I focus on my love for others and being there for them, just to break that cycle of self-hate. I am shocked at those thought patterns, though the cutting is never far from my mind. I love my food, and love seeing the effects of positive things like exercise on my body. I am coming to love my body like I should. I'm lucky that the scars which have stayed are out of sight. I'm so proud to be standing tall again, and like you, on my own terms. Again, I've mixed severe depression, suicidal thoughts and self harm into one thing but for a time, these things were absolutely tangled together.
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Post by hellsbells on May 27, 2010 10:48:02 GMT -5
Inspirational ladies xxx
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Post by Karen on May 29, 2010 10:00:09 GMT -5
Deep stuff, ladies! That you were able to grow out of your lowest moments is incredibly inspiring. I'm in awe at how far you've come!!
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Post by pretty on Jun 9, 2010 19:51:17 GMT -5
Yeah Cherry, and think of how far you've come while you're forgiving yourself. Forgive yourself for not getting there sooner, for not knowing that it was ok that it took this long, and while you're at it forgive yourself for loving that jerk who helped you hate yourself so much. You and I both know it's a journey THE WHOLE WAY, just like with endo, there is no 'arrival' at knowledge and understanding, it's a process THE WHOLE TIME! Right now I'm working on forgiving myself for having endometriosis. Whew! it's quite a job. I'm glad you are brave enough to have brought this subject up, so we could all share it with you. Rock on Cherry! P
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Post by cherry on Jun 15, 2010 3:44:19 GMT -5
I had a bad day the other day, frustrated to tears and my thoughts strayed towards the scissors. I guess the urge is never truly gone. I was pretty disgusted and then just let it go, knowing I was only going to drag myself down into that cycle of negativity again. It's a strange and frightening feeling when you stop to take a breath and realise you're on the edge of that destructive behaviour again, and being able to pull yourself back from that is a victory every time. I think it has been in the last few months that I've accepted that I can't just be better, but it's a nice feeling that I'm always in the process of getting better, there's always an improvement to be made and something to work towards. It's so great to hear from someone who is really experienced in this pain and this journey, thank you so much for sharing pretty. I've started to forgive myself for that bad relationship and am trying to accept it as one of those things. Being so happy to have control back is a huge relief as I thought I'd fall apart without him. And as for the endo... still working on forgiving my body for that ;D
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Post by hellsbells on Jun 15, 2010 12:31:46 GMT -5
I'm always at the end of phone Cherry........
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Post by cherry on Jun 20, 2010 7:14:10 GMT -5
Thnak you Helen it was literally a snap thought and felt like it jumped out of nowhere. I clearly don't handle my temper very well. Just feel now that I was like a kid throwing a tantrum, when a step back and a thorough think through would have helped clear my head.
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Post by Heather on Nov 3, 2010 3:14:51 GMT -5
Karen, sex was my anti-depressant of choice for a long time too. I always used to think I was better than the girls who would sleep with anyone, because I was very picky who I would actually have intercourse with. I did a lot of oral though. More than I care to count, and all so that I could feel wanted by someone, for a few minutes. Had a really, really awful relationship that took years to fully end with a schizophrenic who didn't take medication. I know that having a mental illness is very hard, but I decided after I finally got him out of my life for good, that I would not ever be with someone with a mental illness. I just can't handle it, and still take care of myself. After I started having dyspareunia, I honestly thought for a while that God was punishing me for being a s**t. What better punishment than to take away the one thing I have total control over? I know better now.
Cherry, I think I have a self-forgiveness problem too. Whenever I mess up, I remember it for a very long time, sometimes years. Even if it's something seemingly small--I just can't stand being mean to people. I'm also always surprised when someone does something for me. I just finished writing a note to my parents, thanking them for the mattress they bought me as a combined bday/Xmas present. I've already thanked them a few times, but I just feel like that's a HUGE present ($600 worth), and almost like I don't deserve it. I wasn't the easiest daughter for my dad to live with.
I remember when I still lived in VA, I got new insurance and had to go to a new doctor. I had been off of anti-depressants for about 1.5 years, but was starting to lose my appetite again, so I thought it was probably time to try a new one. I could not get in to see the doctor because her appointments were backed up, so I ended up seeing the NP. Her NP was CRAZY!! She asked me all the usual questions you ask someone with depression, but she never asked for any kind of time frame, and before I could offer one, she was insisting that my husband leave work early to take me to the ER! I told her I had thought about suicide, that I had a plan, and that I'd end my life with a gun. It's the same plan I've had since I was in high school, it doesn't just disappear because I'm not suicidal anymore. Not once did she ask me if I had actually felt suicidal recently.
My poor husband was distraught, he thought that he had done something wrong by not noticing something he should have. I had to explain to him that there was nothing to notice, I was not suicidal, I just thought it was time I went back on pills. I had to stay in the ER for FIVE HOURS with a GD catheter in my arm. If they hadn't had my clothes, I'd have taken the cath out myself and left. Just an utterly ridiculous, humiliating, and infuriating experience.
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Post by Heather on Nov 3, 2010 3:16:36 GMT -5
Ok, it is just hilarious that the censor turns s1ut into s**t. Made my day.
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Post by Karen on Nov 3, 2010 6:34:58 GMT -5
After I started having dyspareunia, I honestly thought for a while that God was punishing me for being a very *friendly* person. What better punishment than to take away the one thing I have total control over? I COMPLETELY understand what you mean by this. Still feel that way some days, though yes, I know better, too.
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Post by cherry on Nov 3, 2010 6:47:19 GMT -5
This was also true for me. Very early in my diagnosis I heard one theory on endometriosis is that it's caused by early trauma to the abdomen such as an accident, physical or sexual abuse. I wondered a long time whether I'd brought it on myself by being promiscuous, I was abused but 99% sure it wasn't rape. My mind always went back to that, and I even started wondering if my sexual habits were an issue, because when I have a partner I am very sexually active. Men must very rarely suffer pain with sex, and if they do, I doubt they blame their sexuality for it (besides the obvious STDs causing them pain etc) it's sad that we still live in a world where we can quickly conclude that bad things happening are due to our being too sexual, whereas men are encouraged to stick it in any socket going. Damn you Eve.
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Post by hellsbells on Nov 3, 2010 16:52:52 GMT -5
Yeah, that b1tch has a lot to answer for. I still kind of believe that my being single and childless at 35 is because from the age of around 18 going on 19 the majority of my serious relationships have been with men I shouldn't have been with, i.e. other womens' men. I'm not proud of it, I never went looking for it, it just keeps happening to me. And yeah, other things going on in my life could be related to promiscuity. I have my loose/cranky/clicky/painful jaw. Often wonder if it's cos I started having oral sex at 14, and like you, Heather, have had a rather large quantity of it!
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