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Post by alivenkicking on Aug 3, 2011 7:44:45 GMT -5
Ooo, rustmyrtle, you totally struck a chord! I have never thought of the self-blame crap adding to the burden they already carry in caring for and accommodating us and our illness. That's some good sh*t! I've always been one to say guilt is self-indulgent, either change what you feel guilty about, or accept that it's out of your control (the latter in our cases w endo). But I'm not so good at practicing what I preach (I bathe in guilt on a regular basis), and I've never made this connection to how it gives bf yet another thing to "deal" with. It reminds me of friends in high school whose insecurities were like a form of narcissism, they complained so much about themselves to give everyone else the opportunity to tell them they were wrong and convince them why. Wow, thanks, new perspective!
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Post by 1234 on Aug 3, 2011 8:44:17 GMT -5
Glad it helped! It's a pep talk I keep reminding myself of too, because guilt is such an easy emotion and it takes a lot of work to beat it.
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Post by jessabug on Aug 11, 2011 14:50:31 GMT -5
I feel like endo makes me act really weird towards my boyfriend and I feel like sh*t for it. Some of you know that I have a really amazing guy, he is so sweet and so supportive and understanding when time after time I have to tell him I'm too tired to do this or that, and he's so patient with our sex life (which in the past few weeks has been relatively non-existent because it's really painful for me) or when I have to cry because I'm so stressed over everything. He's always there telling me that it's okay and that he's always going to adore me no matter what. But... I'm a really independent person, and sometimes I feel like endo takes that independence away from me -- like when he has to go to the store for me because I can't, or has to clean my horse's stall because I can't. Well, let me rephrase, he never HAS to, because I do fight him on it, but he's very kind and often does these things for me despite my arguing because he knows that deep down inside, on certain days, I need his help. And what upsets me is that he's right. Like if he didn't go to the store for me, I'd be eating saltines all day because it's all I have left and I haven't got the energy to go to the store myself, so I put it off for another day. That kind of thing. I think that learning to sacrifice some of my independence has become one of the most difficult things for me to accept -- that I can't do EVERYTHING all by myself right now. So what happens, I feel like, is that I spend about 2 weeks a month dragging really badly because of the endo and 2 weeks a month feeling good/great. Because I have to lean on him SO much during those 2 bad weeks, I feel like I pull away from him HUGELY during my 2 good weeks. It's like I have my independence back and my body and mind is screaming at me to take advantage of it.. you know, to get those chores done, to read those articles I've been interested in, to garden, etc... I don't know if I'm even making any sense, but basically I feel like I'm very emotionally attached to him and close with him during the time that I feel the worst, but then when I feel good, something weird happens and I don't understand it or know why it happens but I suddenly don't feel as attached, I feel like I want to go do my own thing, I want him to not baby me.. and I feel terrible for that. Sometimes I almost feel like because he has to deal with my bad days, I should pay him back by giving him ALL of my good days, but I don't want to and then I feel really guilty and selfish for not wanting to spend all of my good time with him What do you guys thing my problem is???
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Post by Karen on Aug 11, 2011 18:06:58 GMT -5
I think that learning to sacrifice some of my independence has become one of the most difficult things for me to accept -- that I can't do EVERYTHING all by myself right now. This really really really struck a chord with me, and is my biggest reluctance to consider seriously dating someone. First off, to admit that I have a 'flaw' (I know, I know, but still...) is too much for me to handle, and then having to rely on someone else on those bad days or for emotional support... well, that just seems like an impossible mountain for me to climb! As for needing him / then feeling guilty when you don't need him and want to do your own thing, I get that. I think I'd feel the same way, but I'm afraid I can't think of how to approach it because I can't even get past the first part!
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Post by jessabug on Aug 12, 2011 19:25:08 GMT -5
Karen, I know, the whole deal with independence has really been a struggle for me. I've always been an "I can do it myself" type of girl ever since I was 3 years old.. it's quite the adjustment to acknowledge that you need the help of others sometimes. It's even harder to not feel guilty for it =/ I hope that someday you can get past it! You deserve somebody just as much as the rest of us if not more
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Post by alivenkicking on Aug 13, 2011 0:15:50 GMT -5
i'm with you 100%, jessabug. and karen. definitely don't think you have a problem, per se, jess -- to me its just another really sucky part of figuring out how to cope with this. we seem to have similarly supportive partners, and i so struggle with guilt for being such a burden to him. i think you nailed it, after being so dependent for an extended period of time (perfect example: i'm sick, we have no food, bf been working all day and night and just now called to see if i wanted him to stop at the grocery on his way home. i said no, he was relieved. still no food.) so after being sick, it's like a re-birth almost, and being independent again becomes SO important, and necessary even.
i actually didn't even realize that he had any problem with it until recently, he said he feels so needed when i'm sick, like i want him around all the time and then suddenly i don't. he's told me that twice now; i wasn't very undersatnding at first, too stuck in my own attempts to cope. i don't how to reconcile it either... i told him the other day that i hope he can see that while i definitely want to enjoy feel-good time with him, i have to pack a lot of living in, plus preparing for the next round of pain, into a short period of time. and that in that time, *I* need to feel needed, too. i need to feel like i can be counted on by friends and family, so sometimes i spend a lot of that time scurrying around visiting people and doing favors and trying to make up for lost time. it's tough because if i was healthy he probably wouldn't even notice it as me being gone for a long time, it would just be the norm. but since he's used to me being home ALL THE TIME when he comes home....
i'm glad you brought this up, jess. and same thing here with no sex for several weeks because of pain i never used to have, that just compounds everything (but pelvic floor PT says she's gonna fix that! get thyself to a good PT!!!) so yeah, guilt, confusion, frustration, argh. i do keep trying to remember what rustmyrtle posted above, how she tries not to further burden her husband with her feelings of guilt. but then sometimes it all comes out in a big messy tearfest that i can't hide.
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Post by KSA on Aug 13, 2011 18:21:40 GMT -5
I quicky read this but Jess & Karen the independence we loose is the worst for me. When zi met Seth I was traveling alone wherever I wanted. Going Alone is my sytle & yep I am now a burden at times. I feel like he cares for everything. And evem my ex husband pitches in. I HATE getting help I fight it. I am the care giver I am the woman who faces the neddy of our town and raises money for less fortunate. Then I have days I can't even get water for myself. Its awful. The Worst part is givingup our lives & letting them help. Do it! Set yourself free & Jess its ok that when you feel better you want that alone time we all need it to rejuvante ourselves. Don't feel guilty!
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Post by jessabug on Aug 13, 2011 18:28:23 GMT -5
Thanks for all of the responses girls! I have to admit, hearing that I'm not alone in and of itself gives me quite a bit of relief. I was worried that I sounded ungrateful and you guys would be just like.. what's her problem? So it's a really pleasant surprise to find that I'm surrounded by so many girls that are actually feeling the same way. I feel a lot better even just knowing that. It's so wonderful to have you all for support -- this place has become a wonderful haven that has helped me so much to cope in a healthy way, especially because it takes a lot of guilt off my shoulders in a way I'm sure many of you are familiar with -- it's nice to know that we can come to each other when we're pondering things endo and health related instead of exhausting our loved ones.
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Post by alivenkicking on Aug 13, 2011 22:01:55 GMT -5
amen, sister
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