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Post by jonj480 on Feb 1, 2011 11:32:31 GMT -5
I am struggling with this, and have been for a while. My wife and I are a very sexual couple - and I would say that we have an extremely healthy sexual relationship, we are pretty much on the same page as far as that goes. Unfortunately, like many of you, her endo has progressed over time to where sex is often painful for her (it has become very difficult to predict when it will be painful and when it will not be) so our frequency has dropped significantly from what it used to be. She is having another surgery next week - so I know I have plenty of time to figure this out We have gone from 4-5 even more than 7 times a week, to once a month, 4 times this week, none for next two weeks, IVF cycle - none for 6 weeks, etc. I am sure you can all relate. My question is this: How do I balance making her feel sexy, wanted, attractive, without putting pressure (or making her feel it) on her for sex? I used to initiate sex quite a bit, now I am nervous that if I try, and she is in pain, it will make her feel guilty. I don't want her to feel like she needs to take her perscription narcotics to numb enough to have sex because she feels guilty or obligated to. But if I lay off for a little while I start hearing, "don't you think I am sexy anymore?". "Why don't you chase me like you used to?". On the other side, she has literally been in tears apologizing to me that she can't have sex as much as we both want to because of her pain and she feels guilty. I know that there are many non-sexual ways to make her feel sexy and attractive, and I have tried many of them (helped her pick new outfits, shoes, etc). In the interest of full disclosure, I have become resentful and frustrated at certain times - not towards my wife but at the disease and how it has changed our lives together. I never used worry when making plans or anything like that. Now I can tell you exactly when her last period was (in fact her last placebo was sun and it is now day 2 of the pill again - by thurs or fri we will have her on her feet again - YAY!). So how do I balance the emotional aspect of it for her? I am a little confused and have struggled with this for a couple of years now. I have absolutely no problems "taking matters into my own hands..." during periods of pain, or surgery recovery, etc. That is one thing I learned to do well through IVF... We actually discuss this together quite openly and it is not always a "solo" thing, lol. Any advice you all could offer?
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Post by hellsbells on Feb 1, 2011 12:36:08 GMT -5
Umm...yeah...depending on what/where the pain is. I actually get pain on arousal, once I get past a bit of foreplay it tends to ease off. If your wife has the drive but has pain, what about a bit of oral titillation? All the pleasure without the pain. Tell her she looks sexy, make sure she knows she can initiate when she's in the mood. Write her little love notes telling her how much you love and appreciate her. And just make sure she knows you don't blame her in any way.
You're awesome!!
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Post by chicagogal2 on Feb 1, 2011 12:42:06 GMT -5
Hi again! It's a tough disease sometimes to deal with. I often find myself feeling very guilty that my husband got stuck with a lemon with my endo though he always is there for me and supportive, it's just my own personal baggage that I carry with me especially when I'm having a pity party. I would say how to make her feel sexy if just simple things, tell her how pretty she looks today, compliment her outfit even if it's just a cozy pair of jammies she's wearing, tell her how cute she looks. Just get a movie and snuggle under the blanket with her. Kiss her forehead when you tuck her into bed after the surgery, all those little things make me feel so good when my husband does them for me. It sounds like you both are openly communicating, just sit down with her and tell her how you feel. Tell her that you are scared to hurt her or make her feel pressured into sex when she's not up for it. My hubby is great at just flat out asking me if I want to "do it" and if I don't he'll ask me if I want to help him or he'll just go do his own thing if you know what I mean. We have found very creative ways to still tend to his needs while still being sensitive to the days when I just don't feel good. Maybe you can tell her that when she's up to it to come and make a move on you so that she feels like she's in control and on the days she feels good to have sex you can. I have found endo to be both a blessing and a curse in our marriage. It has brought us so much closer in how we communicate and the curse is well, trying to get pregnant and forcing myself on days when I just don't feel like it. I guess too going back to the sex being painful, if it's just 1 or 2 positions that hurt her maybe try some others where penetration isn't as deep, that could help alot as well. I think what you said about feeling resentful towards the disease is very common. It's not fair and it's not a fun disease to deal with but it sure sounds like you both are making the most of the situation and taking full advantage of enjoying life ( read your other post and it was very sweet ). Does your wife know about this message board? Maybe this would be a good place for her to come for information. This board is by far one of the best resources I have found on the internet for endometriosis. Like I said, I think you are doing all the right things and I'd just tell her that on the days you are not initiating sex it's not because you don't find her sexy, it's because you don't want to inflict any pain on her if you are seeing she's been having a bad week endo wise. From a female perspective, you are scoring major brownie points and it sounds like you love her very much!
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Post by pretty on Feb 1, 2011 13:28:18 GMT -5
my husband is a realist and has had his own very serious health issues in his life. before we knew I had endo, he was the one to sometimes forego sex because he has broken his back and neck and sometimes was just not into it. anyways he's been great dealing with me, becuase our attraction is pretty basic, and doesn't have a lot to do with sex, does that make sense? we are attractive and sexy to one another endo and broken back included. and we are like teenagers so when we have a good day, watch out! but I think the thing to remember is to be friends with your partner, and realize that NOBODY's life is perfect, some people refuse sex without having endo, and some relationships fail with two perfectly 'healthy' people.... me and my hubby have our issues but lack of sensuality is not one. we just refuse to go there. maybe sex isn't as frequent as either of us want, but this is my best friend, and we get through it with a good sense of humor and the occasional shot of tequila (to get the motor running lol) I wish you the best, but don't freak yourself out! You're doing great.
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Post by Karen on Feb 1, 2011 14:17:20 GMT -5
I don't have a whole lot to add since I'm single and spent a good deal of time avoiding sex because of endo pain, but I would encourage ANYONE with pain during sex to look into pelvic physical therapy. Seriously, it can do wonders at relieving some of that pain! I still have a tiny bit of pain after penetration but not nearly as bad as before PPT, and it's so minimal now that I'm no longer avoiding sex because of it... Another thing that crossed my mind was perhaps having some sort of non-verbal cue so that on days when she's feeling good, she can let you know in a subtle way so you can initiate some and feel all manly and not worry about rejection or hurting her. Like maybe she could leave a bottle of massage oil in a place you'll find it or something along those lines. Might make things a bit playful, too, which would in turn boost her feelings of sexiness. Good luck! I give you kudos for even asking the question!
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Post by Heather on Feb 25, 2011 21:12:03 GMT -5
You're a saint, Jon. I think my husband would agree with you on a lot of things. Your wife and I are very fortunate to have such understanding men in our lives. I agree with all the above ideas about making her feel sexy, and I wanted to suggest reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It can only help.
Things that have helped my sex pain: eating right (especially avoiding dairy, red meat, and caffeine), pain pills 2 hours before sex, traditional Chinese medicine, and a hot pack. This board is a godsend. Most of the stuff I have tried has been because I read about it here.
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