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Post by chicagogal2 on Nov 20, 2010 16:21:22 GMT -5
Just a suggestion - have you ever read the book called the 5 love languages? I found that to be very helpful when we were going thru a hard time early in our marriage. I would just sit down and say hey, I think it's important that you know how I feel but be very calm about it. Tell him what your expectations were for the day and how is actions hurt your feelings. As easy as it would be to dole out the same to him for his birthday I have always found just be kind, even if he doesn't deserve it - then you look like a rose and he will start to see the jack ass ness in his ways hopefully. When do you find out about your exam results?
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Post by cherry on Nov 20, 2010 18:19:56 GMT -5
Jenaya I agree with all of the girls, you're not bratty and I certainly hope hubby wouldn't take it that way if you brought the issue up because you have every right to feel hard done by. Nobody wants their birthday to be a none event, it's a day that should be marked and as your hubby it's reasonable to expect that he would say 'I celebrate the day you were brought into the world' or 'lets do these things to make you so happy to be alive' I'm glad that you were made a fuss of by the others who love you in your life. Let us know how it goes if you talk to him about the lack of birthday celebrations. I was really hoping it would be a special weekend to make up for your work-heavy week possibly getting in the way of your 2 special days.
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Post by JC on Nov 21, 2010 17:36:27 GMT -5
Chica! I have read the book and I love it. I even made him read it. Believe it or not, my husband was still confused after he read it. He's not the typical person that knows how to feel things like the rest of us. It's like his brain is too complex. I have no idea what his love language but I'm starting to believe it's that Acts of Service one. My love language (probably to nobody's surprise) is physical touch. lol I literally have not had time to talk to him about this. I have another exam tomorrow and I'll get a whole week break from exams! YAY! I just plan on saying, hey I didn't expect much but I didn't think you'd just blow off my birthday either. In the future, I would like it if you made my birthday just a little more special of a day than any other regular day.
Then I'll just leave it at that. I really don't want to make a huge deal about it. I have bigger things to worry about.
Thank you ladies for everything! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!
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Post by pretty on Nov 21, 2010 19:56:10 GMT -5
yeah better to just not make too huge an issue. plus they do remember for a long time when you getreally upset with them they take it too hard.... way to be a grown up Jenay, you will never regret it hope you enjoy your exam-free week....
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Post by JC on Nov 22, 2010 7:07:41 GMT -5
Thanks pretty. My first reaction and thoughts were not as "adult-like" haha. I had to think about it for a few days before I reacted with anger. I guess I just decided that I don't care as much anymore. Yeah my feelings are hurt but it's not gonna change anything. I'll just tell him what I would like to see happen in the future and leave it at that. And it's not like I expect to be showered with gifts! I just wanted a steak or something! LOL
BTW, one more exam today and then I can relax... kinda.. actually, now I'm gonna have time to finally get to the doctor! LOL
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Post by pretty on Nov 22, 2010 13:05:09 GMT -5
I will say I am also often VERY upset with my husband. He is just sooooo different from me (and different in lots of ways from almost every other human alive today). One thing though is that he does work his ass off and in his eyes, he is doing it for me and for no other reason. This is a guy who never had a stable life, ever, before we met.... anyhow sometimes I'll finally (finally!) lose it on him and read him the riot act. Itnever ceases to surprise me the way he sees things. Like how you mentioned that your hubby brought up money and you ended up in a fight. This may have been his way of communicating to you that he feels inadequate to provide you with gifts, dinner out, etc. If Warren had said the same to me, I might later have the shattering revelation (usually after pulling it out of him painfully with pliers) that he's communicating something real to me. If he had said that it would have seemed OBVIOUS to his man brain that he's covered lack of gifts AND no dinner out just with the phrase "we are broke, and I feel like sh!t about it" anyhow not making excuses for your guy, whom I know you love to distraction, and you're actually HOPING there's some other more compelling issue underneath, well I'm here to remind you they are simple beings, these men, and respond to nothing better than constant love and support, especially when they fvck up bad..... and keep it simple for him don't want to add another brick to that wall. I would just say, hey, I know you're upset about money, but money don't buy what we have now. and then tell him your feelings were hurt with the no-gift no-card bday, but that you didn't want to show him up because you know he feels rotten anyway. At this point the confession (I feel bad about that, I'm sorry, etc) will most likely come pouring out. (This is the part where you tell him you're a bigger person than that, normally, but you DO like a little pomp and circumstance on your BIRTHDAY, but that he can make it up to you on Christmas.... ) good luck today sweetie. I live vicariously through you.... wish I was still inschool! ah, Master's degree?
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Post by JC on Nov 22, 2010 14:13:36 GMT -5
Hey thanks pretty. It sounds kinda like our husbands are the same! LOL It boggles my mind at how my husband sees things. It makes me want to slap myself! I get so infuriated sometimes and frustrated! Thank GOD for our marriage counselor. I literally asked her to move in with us. HAHA She's the greatest at translating what we're trying to say to each other.
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Post by chicagogal2 on Nov 22, 2010 21:40:01 GMT -5
Well said Pretty! I agree - you so smart! Jenaya - just reinforce to him that it's the little things like you don't expect to be showered with gifts if money isn't there right now but he could give you a foot massage or run out and get you a coffee that you like, just something small but meaninful - clean the house for you etc...
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Post by cherry on Nov 23, 2010 18:23:10 GMT -5
I agree. I would have been peeved that it just wasn't made to feel special, gifts aside there were so many sweet things that would have made you cry because of the sheer heart that was put into it. Thought that counts and all that. I keep in mind that I have to at least match the sweetness of what was done for my birthday. It's sad that they don't think like that. I'm hoping that next year won't be such a bust for you guys. If you sense it's gonna be another crappy birthday, ask him to pay for you to hop over to lovely warm Cali for a few days so you can really celebrate. So glad you had a good response from your friends and family.
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