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Post by Heather on Nov 17, 2010 1:02:22 GMT -5
katlit, at one point I felt so guilty about not being able to have sex like we used to that I actually urged my husband to get a girlfriend. He's a saint, and thought that was a silly idea, so of course he never got one. It does put a huge emotional strain on our relationship, not just the fact that we can't have sex much, but also that it bothers him to see me in pain and not be able to do anything. I'm sure your SO will come around, he's probably just very frustrated with everything. Try talking to him? And like hellsbells said, lots of alternative sex.
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Post by gemstone on Nov 17, 2010 1:57:51 GMT -5
I think sex is about being close or making love - you don't have to have penetrative sex to do this. I last had penetrative sex about 3 weeks ago and we ended up covered in blood and me with a UTI and pain for days. Try working around it with lots of 'alternative sex', also sessions where it's all about him, let him know that you want to please him because you love him and fancy him like mad!!!
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Post by JC on Nov 17, 2010 7:28:31 GMT -5
What's interesting about my situation compared to some of you is that my sex drive is really high. It's actually stressful at times. lol So when endo ruined sex for me, not only did I have to deal with the impact it had on my marriage, but I had to deal with the depression it caused in me. Something I love and enjoy very much was just taken away and on top of my own personal struggle I had a marriage nearly failing. What pisses me off is that when we exchange vows of marriage, the phrase "for sickness and in health" doesn't seem to be taken as seriously as it should. There should be some added phrase in there saying "in sickness and in health, even the sickness that causes sexual dysfunction." We are all sick and these guys just stomp their feet like infants demanding a lollipop. I feel like its incredibly selfish of them to be angry and frustrated at us for being sick. We didn't CHOOSE this just like people don't choose to have diabetes and cancer. Would it be right if someone were frustrated at their spouse if they were sick with cancer? Would we be feeling bad for not being able to have sex because we were vomiting from chemotherapy? Of course not. So why is this any different? WE ARE SICK. Why is it that we have to be SOOOOoo understanding of our husband's feelings if its OUR illness that we didn't choose to have in the first place. Why are we feeling guilty for something we didn't choose to have? Seriously, these guys need to get off our backs. It's not fair. We wouldn't treat them like this if the shoe were on the other foot, I guarantee that!
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Post by alivenkicking on Jul 30, 2011 2:15:54 GMT -5
I'm reviving this thread because it's 1:30 am, my love is snoring in bed, and I'm on the couch in pain after way too much physical activity in the midst of a big family wedding and allll of the drama, stress and old wounds revived that go along with that. At another time, I would have sought solace in making love to my boy, who never ceases to bring me comfort. Sex has always played a big and generally positive part in my identity, and not having that now makes me so sad. Drew gets grumpy and down on himself when we haven't had sex in awhile. It took me awhile to see that, but once I did, (when sex pain was very minimal), it was so gratifying to initiate some boom boom with him and then see his whole demeanor change. I hate that I don't have that to give him now. With all he puts up with, how well he takes care of me, how endlessly patient he is, it is maddening to watch another thing taken from him and us by this stupid illness. Lately my drive is minimal, very unusual for me, so like others have shared, I tend to forget how much time passes between our sexy times. He let's me forget, so when he finally comes around to initiating, I want to oblige him. The pain isn't awful, but the pleasure is barely there. I don't pretend any more than necessary, and while he is temporarily perked up, it doesn't bring us the intimacy it used to. Time to start working harder on that part, on being physically intimate in ways that aren't explicitly sexual. And then that pisses me off, because it's like one more thing to add to the list of what I must do differently because of endo. Jenaya put it so well - it is a loss to be mourned, and while it may not last forever, it sucks right now. Maybe it's all a test - I have a hard time believing down to my bones that anyone could truly loves for me, so rocking my man's world in the sack has brought me comfort to make up for all the ways endo tries to f*ck w our relationship. Not having that brings me back to having to believe that he loves me and wants to be with me for me, and not for the jollies I give him in bed. I think it was pretty that said how crucial it is to work through all the stuff underneath... Thanks so much for your raw honesty, ladies, which gave me permission to unload about something I hadnt fully acknowledged to myself. Sheesh, what a messy thing this endometriosis is. Lovies to all my endo sisters, your courage is contagious (i typed this on an iPod touch and it won't let me go back and proofread, plus it's 2 am and that big family wedding is in 11 hours, so apologies for no breaks)
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Post by JC on Jul 30, 2011 2:26:09 GMT -5
Awww I feel so sad for you. It's just not fair that we have to go through this. It sounds like your boyfriend is really awesome about it. I wish there was some help for us. I feel like sexual dysfunction isn't taken seriously in women and it frustrates me. Hang in there! I hope you can find some sexy time with your man. It'll feel good
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Post by jessabug on Jul 31, 2011 21:51:49 GMT -5
Jenaya I think you're so right. My guess is that it's because you can SEE theirs -- but you can't see ours. That, coupled with the stigma that women think sex is a chore, is what I think makes men skeptical of female sexual dysfunction. I personally hate how endo has ruined a sex life that I feel like I barely got a chance to have. I was telling Helen about it. I'm fairly conservative and didn't want to have sex until I was with the "right" person (not necessarily "the one," but just someone I trusted and truly wanted to be intimate with), so I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19. Sex was painful for me in a number of positions, pretty much any position in which the penis curved up towards my belly button... which is a LOT of them. I'm not going to carry on, since I know most of you here know exactly how I feel as you feel that way yourselves, but I have to admit it's a pretty devastating bummer to not be able to understand all of my friends. They love sex SO much, and they have such fun, freaky sex lives... but I don't get to, because at this point I've been so scarred by painful sexual encounters and pelvic exams. I don't know how all of your pain is, but for me what happens is I will be brought to tears very suddenly because the pain is so intense and abrupt, and it hurts so bad that I instantaneously start shaking and recoil into the fetal position (how attractive, right?). I really resent endo for this, because it's caused a serious mental block and I'm hardly able to even get turned on because I'm so distracted by my fear of pain. GRRRRR endo! Whoops.. looks like I carried on... Jeez, I'm chatty today. Time to sign off before I burn you all out on Jess rants!
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Post by hellsbells on Aug 1, 2011 7:01:20 GMT -5
Jess, I'm no psychology major but I really think that starting with the non penetrative forms of fun could help enormously. And there are ways and means you can get his rocks off without hurting yourself!
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Post by 1234 on Aug 1, 2011 8:12:40 GMT -5
hey Jess, I second what Helen said. You can have lots of "fun, freaky" sex without penetration. It's a bit humiliating to my vagina, but I swear my husband prefers to have himself in my mouth than in my vagina. And there are all sorts of other areas to explore that really can excite both you and him. Penetrative sex is just one type of fun--there are so many others.
But don't judge yourself for this, or over analyze your reaction. The pain is very real, and there are real problems for it. Pain with sex completely sucks, but don't let it stand in the way of exploring your sexuality--just start exploring other areas!
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Post by JC on Aug 1, 2011 11:10:47 GMT -5
Hey, exploring things solo is a great way to find what works for you. You may not be able to do the typical P in the V action, but there's so much stuff you can do that isn't painful. I highly recommend some alone time, wink wink Geez, us girls here are so raunchy! HAHA
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Post by hellsbells on Aug 1, 2011 14:52:15 GMT -5
I've discovered this weekend that I still get moderate pain on arousal and/or orgasm. It's bearable and worth it. Jess, getting your confidence back in the sack could deffo be helped by having some alone time!
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Post by jessabug on Aug 1, 2011 16:20:44 GMT -5
I think I've had a bit of a mental block since the initial "blow up" with my endo, but you girls are helping me to relax! and yes lucky for me i'm good at what I do.. wink wink but I have TMJ so my jaw hurst SO BAD when I go down on him. HAHA! Thanks for the encouragement, girls, you are really helping me to not feel discouraged! sorry your O's are still ouchy Hells they must be amazing if they're worth all the pain though.... ;D
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Post by hellsbells on Aug 1, 2011 16:23:39 GMT -5
They're not mega painful, I just cramp up a little bit and get some sharp shooting pains. But yeah, they can be pretty awesome :-)
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Post by Karen on Aug 1, 2011 18:56:37 GMT -5
If it helps, my best friend's husband SWEARS he'd take a hand job with lotion over a BJ anyday, and he's pretty fond of his BJs! Just a tip in case your TMJ is acting up some day... (Yes, he's incredibly open - when the three of us hang out, we always end up talking about sex!) If you go to Lush.com, you can find some amazing massage bars that men DIE over! I always get the weird look at first and within 15 seconds, they're completely on board... You can do a LOT of fun stuff with those things.
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Post by jessabug on Aug 1, 2011 19:15:34 GMT -5
Karen, I've never seen those before! ... How do they work?? lol seems like it would be tough to do a hand job with a big rectangle in your hand. Maybe I'm not being imaginative enough.. lol
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Post by JC on Aug 1, 2011 20:14:44 GMT -5
HAHAHAAAAA! Geez, we need to find a link for this stuff. There's some awesome man-down-there massages you can do too. But I say your man needs to read up on woman pleasure and get to work!
RAWR, I have the horn.
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