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Post by Karen on Jul 29, 2011 18:30:41 GMT -5
She'll figure it out, Jenaya, but it'll take her forever and you'll be on to much better friends by then. She doesn't deserve what little energy you have!
Sounds like a good pact to me!!
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Post by Lady Tewlie :P on Jul 29, 2011 22:49:20 GMT -5
How messed up is the world that so many of us have had these toxic people in our lives?! I had a similar run-in with a former friend of mine who completely turned on me. It was like a scene out of "Mean Girls", but she was in her 40's!
I think it went downhill because we originally bonded at a time when we were both getting out of sh*tty relationships. But when my husband and I got engaged, she started to turn on me, like she couldn't stand that I was happy and no longer "hated men". She knew my husband before we started dating, and she had even been pushing for us to try being more than friends - even went as far as taking credit for us getting together, which was maybe 1% of how it happened - but when we got engaged, she started being passive-aggressive and catty. I don't even think she was aware she was doing it, but I decided it wasn't an excuse, and it did not mean that I had to put up with it. I learned a lot of self-respect from my previous sh*tty relationship, and frankly, I didn't have the energy for it.
I won't go into more details, partly because I had to put it behind me, and partly because I don't want to bore you with the drawn out story, but after a couple of attempts on my part to be understanding and to try to work it out, I completely cut her out of my life and never looked back.
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Post by JC on Jul 30, 2011 1:19:50 GMT -5
It feels good to cut these people out of our lives. I'm glad you have moved on from a crappy person. I need to do it more often.
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Post by hellsbells on Jul 30, 2011 3:58:10 GMT -5
I'm seeing a friend tonight who is the one I least turn to cos she drains me. She pretends to 'get it' but then still moans and twists when I don't want to do everything she thinks I should be doing/wants me to do. Tonight will be a turning point. I've learnt through my therapy that I'm just too darn nice to people at times, for the sake of keeping the peace, but if she has a go tonight, I'll have a go right back!
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Post by Lady Tewlie :P on Jul 30, 2011 11:18:07 GMT -5
I usually have a very hard time with cutting people out like that, and I have a hard time not being nice to people even when they sh*t on me. I've noticed I've dealt with it better as I've gotten older, and part of it is because I hit a saturation point and just couldn't deal anymore.
I have a brother who has some emotional issues who can be like this, but the hardest part of dealing with it was that I knew that at the core he was a very good person with a kind heart, and when he was more lucid, he could be a good friend. The problem is that on some level he took advantage of the fact that I had a soft spot for him and would take an enormous amount of abuse and be forgiving because it was the illness speaking. But it hit a level where any good I was doing was not getting either of us anywhere - no less abuse from him, and he would always find a way to shoot himself in the foot with or without my support.
I think dealing with someone like him made me more forgiving on some level because I would see the underlying psychology behind why they were behaving that way, and I would feel sorry for them. Where most people would have walked away a long time ago, I was more forgiving. How messed up is that?!?
I actually went to a shrink for a while because of this and the emotionally abusive former relationship I was in (not at all coincidental), and I told the dr that the person did this or that, but that it wasn't their fault because of their underlying disorders and that they didn't really mean it. The dr responded, "does it really matter?" That really struck me. If someone comes up and punches you in the face, whether they were lucid mentally or not does not make your face not hurt. It took a while to stop always putting other people's feelings in front of my own when they took giant steps over my boundaries.
The friend I cut out, btw, had a lot fewer redeeming qualities, so it made it easier to walk away.
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Post by hellsbells on Jul 30, 2011 11:23:16 GMT -5
You've hit the nail on the head. I make excuses for other peoples bad behaviour all the time, and forgive them, but it's led me to have my own issues because 'my needs' aren't being met because I'm too busy putting other people's first. Well no more. And I'm happier, nicer person to be around because of it!
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Post by Lady Tewlie :P on Jul 30, 2011 22:51:37 GMT -5
Hmm...we should do a poll to find out whether there is some connection between people with endo and their subjection to and long-term tolerance of toxic people.
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Post by 1234 on Jul 31, 2011 8:41:51 GMT -5
Maybe it's because we have messed up immune systems. We don't send the endo cells packing, and we don't send the friends packing either?
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Post by hellsbells on Jul 31, 2011 11:49:06 GMT -5
I had quite a good night with said friend. Because I'm a lot happier these days, she responds to me differently. She actually has very similar issues to me, childhood stuff, alcoholic parent, IBS...and I think this is why I tolerate it. I know she needs help too. We did get a bit irate with each other at the end of the night but as of this morning it's all history and there's no issue. So hopefully, I can salvage this friendship. She's actually my oldest friend. We've known each other almost 30 years. But, if she does piss me off, I'll tell her. No more mrs nice girl!
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Post by jessabug on Jul 31, 2011 21:12:46 GMT -5
Helen I think I have a friend somewhat like yours! She's super controlling in a weird way, and if I don't tell lean on her emotionally exactly how she wants me to, she freaks out at me. On the day before my laparoscopy to diagnose endo, she picked a fight with me because I "wasn't opening up to her emotionally." .... I had told her how I was feeling and that I was sad, but apparently that wasn't enough -- according to her, those emotions needed to be RELEASED, aka she wanted me to cry to her on the phone and was pissed that I hadn't done so. She, too, has similar issues to me, aka IBS, alcoholic uncle, endo (you'd think she'd GET it?!?!?), both our moms had cancer... and I guess you're right, that's kinda what makes you more tolerant and willing to hold on. But damn, it's getting to a point where I almost can't handle it any more! She is SO high maintenance... I'm her roommate, and her only friend, which makes it kind of hard to just walk away from her. I wish I could, and I've actually tried to once (I never, ever, ever have confronted or bitched out a friend... but I finally was so fed up with her that I went at her for literally an hour and let her have a piece of my mind... she cried and made a bunch of excuses and said she's been trying to change over summer... so I buckled). Anyhow.. looks like I needed to vent I guess! Sorry! I'm glad you can stick up to your girlfriend now yee-haw!
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Post by hellsbells on Aug 1, 2011 6:47:00 GMT -5
Yep. High maintenance pretty much covers it!!
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Post by gemstone on Aug 1, 2011 7:00:01 GMT -5
That's cool you got some stuff sorted. It feels good when you can move on, in any direction, and I hope you can salvage your friendship.
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Post by JC on Aug 1, 2011 10:45:28 GMT -5
Yeah high maintenance is a good term for it! Some friends just suck the life out of you! I'm glad you had a nice time with your friend Helen.
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Post by jessabug on Aug 4, 2011 15:31:44 GMT -5
So I had an interesting convo with said 'friend' today... a little background info she has been sick the past week or so with some digestive issues. This girl is unfortunately a bit of a drama queen (she refers to having tests done as "being in the hospital") so if she has to go to the imaging center for an ultrasound, or to get her blood drawn or something, she calls it "going to the hospital." Just a bit over the top in my opinion. Anyway, we are roommates and she has been living at home over summer while I'm living in our apartment still. She has been sending me her portion of the rent check, but the past couple of months she's been lazy about it and hasn't been getting her check to me until around the 7th-10th of the month (rent is due on the 1st). Our rent is EXPENSIVE, and I can't afford to pay the whole thing by myself and have her reimburse me. So today I sent her a nice text that read: "Hi! Still haven't gotten the check yet.. Any chance you can start sending it sooner so that it gets here before the 5th? I thought that what happened before was a one time thing but I can't keep asking my parents to lend me $$ so in the future need to receive your check in the mail on time before I can write the whole check. Thanks! Ps -- I got my tooth back!!! ;D" Her response? "Jess I'm really sorry but being in and out of the hospital hasn't been my choice I talked to my dad and he forgot it on his counter. It should be there soon" ?? "In and out of the hospital" ? She has not once been admitted to the hospital. I also do not see how that in any way impedes her ability to put a check in the mail (especially when she gave it to somebody else to do anyway). Grr.
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Post by hellsbells on Aug 4, 2011 15:37:39 GMT -5
Drama queen!
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