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Post by cherry on Feb 1, 2010 20:37:05 GMT -5
I have limited but all too memorable experiences with self harm. As a way of coping with my depression and to give myself a controllable pain that could heal over, I started cutting about a year ago. I didn't realise specifically why at the time, and it started when I was given anti-depressants that didn't agree with me. As painful as it is to admit, it came very close to me taking that extra step and just opening both arms in a bid to end my own life. I know that for the most part self harm isn't to do with suicidal thoughts - as it is more control than wanting to die - but for me, the two were hideously interlocked. So if anybody would like to talk about self harm, not necessarily limited to cutting, I am here. I'm a firm believer in dispelling myths and taboos surrounding mental illness so I hope people will be able to open up about disorders as well as the odd bad thought or bad spell.
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Post by Karen on Feb 1, 2010 22:59:31 GMT -5
First off, Cherry, I think it's very brave to talk openly about. I know I had no clue as to how to react when you first told me about it. I was scared for you, but also didn't want to over-react and have you shut down and not talk about it. Perhaps part of this discussion could include what you or others may have found helpful in terms of support from others?
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Post by hellsbells on Feb 2, 2010 13:08:08 GMT -5
Yes, it is brave of you and could give other women the opportunity to get some support from non-judgemental women. I've had fantasies of suicide on and off over the years, but never really considered it. It's more a fantasy of not being here any more, rather than actually wanting to end my life.......if that makes sense? I've never cut myself in the obvious sense of self-harm, but when I was much younger I used to pull my own hair out. I'd stand in front of a mirror, gather fairly large amounts of hair usualy from just back from my hairline above my forehead, and just yank til they came out. It hurt! But I did it for quite a while. Grew out of it eventually. I looked it up a while ago, it actually has a name, although I can't remember it.
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Post by cherry on Feb 20, 2010 5:10:57 GMT -5
I think it's trichotillomania (sp?) I don't know why but that has always stuck in my head. I don't feel brave coming out about to be honest, I have this compulsion to announce my faults to the world and in this case it may have helped me because I supported through it. In some ways the attention made me so angry and resentful but people were a little more careful of my moods and kept an eye on me. I also showed my doctor the cuts when he asked, to show that they weren't infected or in need of treatment. It was definitely about pain I could control, and also that I hated my body so much. It was pain I caused, and could exacerbate or sooth, scars that I could see would heal. I was proud of myself that I could do so much without needing stitches, that I kept my scissors and wounds completely clean, even that the cuts were parrallel and tidy. That I could react to the negativity without affecting others. Very dark times. I got a wake-up call when a colleague joked 'that looks like self harm' and then realised it was, and then being on holiday and being conscious of the scars on my legs. I found it helpful to be able to say 'I did this, but I'm ok' without being forced to talk about it or show what I'd done. I think a simple 'you can talk to me' is good, but it depends on the individual. You can say 'I'm upset that you're doing this, that you're having to hurt yourself, but I'm here' and try not to be/show that disgusted and therefore alienate them, it can be a big step for someone to admit it, so if the confidante were to flip out it would hurt and teach them not to open up. Letting them know that you care, and therefore that caring means that you're sad about the self harm is ok. We would like to think that it's completely under our control but finding that we're hurting the people we love, scaring them and having them worry, can make us realise that we're hurting people when we're only trying to relieve pressure in a private manner.
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Post by Karen on Feb 21, 2010 14:22:07 GMT -5
Thanks for the insight, Cherry! Again, we're glad you're dealing with this and sharing. Like you said, a problem shared is a problem halved!
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Post by hellsbells on Feb 21, 2010 16:08:27 GMT -5
It's really hard to share this kind of experience. It's certainly been an insight to me. My older brother suffered with substance abuse/addiction all his short life, and when I researched once when I chose that topic for an essay at uni, all the research said the worst thing to do is to flip out on someone. Talking calmy and rationally is the best way to get through to people sometimes. I'm glad you're dealing with it, and sharing xx
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Post by KSA on Feb 21, 2010 19:23:23 GMT -5
Thanks to all of you for sharing. When I was younger I had such a terrible self image. I never cut but I did have eating issues. As Cherry said it was a way to control. I wanted to control so much of my life and the one thing I new I could was to not eat. It became a obsession and even when I went thru my divorce I lost control of my life it happend again. Depression hit and then the behavior followed. I now have to be very careful when I start to feel down I do not want to be back in that spot ever again. I found that talking about it helped it made it real for me. When I was doing it and everyone was saying omg you are 90 pounds I had to say something people knew but until I said it and admitted I it I could not heal.
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Post by cherry on Feb 22, 2010 16:01:49 GMT -5
Kerry I've been there too, that has been a huge longterm problem for me and only recently stopped when I got myself to think 'the best control is to eat well and keep my life on a good path' luckily this started before Christmas and I've now got a big ass but I just call it my happy bum. Every time I'm on GnRH, things start to slip, I feel so ill, people react badly to the moods and depression I slip into, and I stop eating. My appetite goes anyway so I find it too easy to stop, again, like you, I found it to be the only thing I could control.
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Post by hellsbells on Feb 22, 2010 16:33:55 GMT -5
Yep, trichotillomania. I reckon the timing of it coincided with my parents' divorce, and other issues going on too, like my brother and his problems. I can't remember how/when I grew out of it, I just did. God I used to rip out a good chunk of hair from my scalp, just behind the forehead. I most have been around 8/9 I think, maybe. I can remember standing in front of the mirror, yanking away, and I remember it felt quite good. Also ties in with me having the odd OCD tendency. It's also about that time I started to gain weight. Yeah, and here's me telling everyone I dealt with my parents' divorce really well............
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Post by cherry on Feb 26, 2010 10:41:42 GMT -5
Yeah I think actually looking at everything around a big event that you would normally not mention or be dismissive of... well it's a huge insight into your own mind. I started starving myself during myself during my first course of GnRH when we were made homeless, lost my job, cat nearly died of blood poisoning. Everyone I spoke to about it a few months later said I had coped so well with the whole summer of damnation, and there I was so proud that I had kept my 'coping' a secret. I try to look for any similar feelings now to stop myself from spiralling into some destructive behaviour or other.Bit of a walking car crash but I'm taking control back bit by bit and becoming truly strong and someone I could like.
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Post by hellsbells on Feb 26, 2010 13:00:33 GMT -5
You've been someone I DO like for a long time. Please don't be too hard on yourself, you're amazing and quite the inspiration x
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Post by cherry on Feb 26, 2010 13:28:13 GMT -5
I've got a ways to go, but talking to you guys makes me like myself and feel strong. Sharing is by far the most important thing with mental illness, and it's so nice to speak to people who understand on different levels, and that care too xx
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Post by Karen on Feb 27, 2010 8:01:34 GMT -5
I have to echo what Helen said - you ARE someone we like, flaws and all. I think it's important to note that we're ALL works in progress. You're on the upswing these days and we're all proud of you for that, even if you're not quite where you want to be just yet!
For me, in years past, sex was my version of self-harm. I did some really stupid things and put myself in some bad situations all in an attempt to get control. When someone takes something from you, it's much easier to then just give it away as a way to trick yourself into thinking you had control over your body because at one time when you didn't. Does that make sense? It took me a long time to figure that out. Now, I kind of think my dry-spell is another attempt at control, only this time, I'm trying to get control of my endo pain. I've gone to the other extreme! There's the thought that if I can avoid sex, I can avoid more pain. With the right person, though, that's something that I'm just going to have to get over.
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Post by hellsbells on Feb 27, 2010 10:05:26 GMT -5
Oh I've done that too........have been far too 'easy' with my favours over the years. I felt so unattractive that it was far too easy for me to give it away when someone showed attention. Now I'm older, I have a slightly different attitude. I'm more choosy, but still enjoy the odd one nighter, even if I want to kick them out asap in the morning, but as an adult, I think if I fancy it, I'll have it!
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Post by cherry on Mar 7, 2010 20:17:59 GMT -5
When I was a little younger I had a terrible s**tty stage. In hindsight it seems to have been as a control measure cos I was starting to confront abuse I had gone through as a young girl. Sharing this has certainly given me insight into when the destructive behaviour started! At the moment I act out against the pain by indulging and pampering which is a million times better but rather bad for my heart cos I just snack a lot and veg out!
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